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Colleen: You give me ten minutes with the Lemon family and I'll have them tearing at each other like drag queens at a wig sale.
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(Grizz, Dot Com, and Tracy enter Liz's office dressed in suits)
Liz: (sarcastically) Wow. Fancy suits. How was court?
Grizz: Not great.
Liz: Oh, you really were in court?
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Tracy: What are you guys doing? Going to Ludachristmas?
Frank: Yep, we heard you can't drink. You still coming?
Tracy: No, no, I can't go because of the ankle bracelet. But maybe I could go and just not drink. Hey,maybe I'll compromise. I'll go to the party, cut off my foot, and drink all I want!
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Tracy: The holidays without drinking is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I thought she was, and I cannot play the guitar!
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Jack: (to Liz) What did your mother mean when she said that you were a "beautiful genius?" Was she taunting you?
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Frank: Who cares about the true meaning of Christmas? It's about getting crap, and eating too much! It's about getting drunk, and hugging your cousin until your mom says "Frank, enough"!
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Dick Lemon: Tomorrow night I'm gonna take you to a cathouse.
Mitch Lemon: I hate cats.
Dick Lemon: You'll learn to love 'em.
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Jack: See, mother, not all species eat their young.
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Jack: Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.
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Jack: (about Mitch) In his mind, Reagan is still President? You lucky bastard.
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Dick Lemon: Life is too short.
Jack: Really? Life is too short? (whispering to his mother) Because your life seems endless.
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Tracy: Ludachristmas? Nude Year's Eve? Martin Luther King Day? All you do is drink.
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Cerie: Are you gonna do Horny Santa again, Frank? That was so funny last year when I sat on your lap.
Frank: Yes... funny.