30 Rock

Jack: Milton, I'm your son. Milton: Of course you are. I could have known that from the minute I saw you. I have a son! A beautiful son! Jack: And I have a dad! Milton: Fate has brought us together, Jack. To open a whole new chapter in my life. Jack: Yeah, isn't it amazing? Milton: You don't know the half of it. I need a kidney.

Jack: Oh, Len, come in. Lenny: Thanks for meeting me here. Jack: This is my office. Lenny: I known. Well, once I'm in the building, I can get into the cafeteria, and that means free ice.

Liz: Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is sixty. Pete: No, that's ridiculous. Liz: Think about it: he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead— Pete: He falls asleep in chairs, he doesn't know how to use a computer, he's always mad at the TV— Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS. Liz: He might be seventy!

Len: I guess in the divorce settlement, she got all our friends. I gave my gun to my pastor—you know, in case I get the old gloomies again.

Jenna: (about her new catchphrase) This is it! This is the defining thing of my life; it is not going to be that hit and run!

Jack: Tracy, why did you never try to find your father? Tracy: Because he's dead. Jack: How do you know that? Tracy: Because I'm rich, and if that man were alive, he'd be living in my pool house and I'd be paying him $200,000 a year to mow my lawn.

Liz: Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family, when a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop... until he pees himself.

Jack: (on finding his father) Why would I want more family? Liz: Because maybe he's awesome. Why don't you just ask your mother who it is? Jack: No, no, not Colleen. She had her reasons for keeping this from me for 50 years, and I don't want her to relive it. Also, I want something really juicy to whisper to her on her deathbed.