30 Rock

Liz: I would be so sad if I got caught for this. Kenneth: But you're not supposed to lie. Liz: Urgh! You apple-faced goon!

Jack: (on the phone with Dick Cheney) Uh, yes, I hope Deborah wins as well. (short pause) No, they're not real, unfortunately.

Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They told us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions. Liz: I'm so sorry. Jack: I feel like I'm back in that boiler room; making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner.

Jack: They called me 'Stammerhead Shark', Lemon. Liz: What? Jack: The kids at school - they called me names... 'Mrs. Stutterworth', 'Stutterfingers', 'Stuttermilk Pancakes'... the 'butter' thing opened up a lot of doors for them.

Liz: (in sync with a MILF Island contestant on the TV) I didn't come here to make friends. I came here to be number one. (alone, mutters) Oh, God.

Frank: Jonathan, did someone turn the heat up? Jonathan: No idea. Where I'm from, we don't notice the heat. Frank: That's interesting. I didn't know it was hot in 'Assylvania'.

MILF Island host: Prepare for the craziest night of television of your life.

Liz: This show is the worst. Didn't one of those MILFs die during production? Lutz: She had too much champagne, and a monkey knocked her into some quicksand. It could happen anywhere.

Liz: Why are you still here? Tracy: I love it up here. It's hot. It's loud. There's no pizza. It's like Miami.

Tracy: Order! Order, I say. We must not be rash. We must divorce ourselves from our prejudices and appeal to our higher reasoning. This is the speaking banana. Everyone will get a chance to speak. And only then will we make our decision. Josh, my friend. (hands Josh the speaking banana) You are first. Josh: Look, I would never do this because I am loyal to the show. Tracy: That dude did it!

Kenneth: Ms. Lemon! Your eyes look like my uncle's after he drinks from the air conditioner!