30 Rock

Season 6 Episode 19

Queen of Jordan 2: The Mystery of the Phantom Pooper

2
Aired Thursday 8:00 PM May 03, 2012 on NBC

Episode Recap

Queen of Jordan returns! The reality show kicks off with a reel of previouslies: Angie promotes Randi as the new nanny now that her former nanny is dead. D'Fwan is appalled that Angie is opening up a clothing line. Randi asks D'Fwan to control his dog and he snaps that "he controls me!"

Jack answers the phone in his office. "Hello Angie – I mean - whoever it's going to be." Angie (Sherri Shepherd) sits in her limo with Randi (Paula Leggett Chase) and answers Jack on speaker phone. She reminds him about their meeting today to discuss her clothing line. He's ready to cross promote her line, 'Cheek' – "it's pronounced 'Chic!' It's French!" she corrects him. In a Talking Head interview, she tells the camera that now she's a reality star, she's an octuple threat: reality star, actress, singer, song reader, perfumist, IBS survivor, best-selling author of a book she didn't write, catch-phrase coiner – "I'll take that with cheese!" – she pauses on the last one. "Well, they don't all work." She explains to Jack that Cheek is "stretchable formal wear for elegant plus size women and huskier gays." Jack gets a call on his cell phone and quickly gets off the phone with Angie. Angie's Talking Head: "Rude!" On the phone is Sam Lockwood from the State Department with good news. They found Avery Jessup (Jack's wife) in North Korea. She's coming home. Jack's Talking Head interview: the CIA found a North Korean spy and will be trading him for Avery. Jack tells the camera crew that it's a personal matter and he hopes that "you guys at Bravo – sorry, the gays at Bravo – treat this with the same delicacy with which you handled D'Fwan's boyfriend's pregnancy scare."

Tracy's Dressing Room – Angie is yelling at Tracy about Jack's tardiness. She feels disrespected. Kenneth arrives and informs Angie that Jack has sent him as a representative for their meeting. Angie is livid and stomps off, vowing to give Jack "some cheese with that!" In the hallway, Jenna joins Angie offering a high-five, "giiirlfriend." The high-five is not returned and Jenna inquires about a new opening for Angie's girl friend. Angie informs her that she already has friends and stomps away. Talking Head Jenna says determinedly, "I'm very close to the Q of J cast. I will be on the show a lot."

Angie accosts Liz in the hallway and demands to know where Jack is – "do you not know where your own husband is?!" Angie Talking Heads that she knows Liz and Jack are not married; she just wants them to know she doesn't give a f--k about their lives. Liz tells Angie that Jack has a lot on his mind. His wife is kidnapped but now she's coming back and there are cameras following him around. Angie gets it: Jack is trying to ruin her big night! Liz denies this but Angie insists – to the cameras – that all that matters is Cheek's debut because that's what people care about. And at the end of Angie's big night, Tracy is planning a huge surprise. What's the surprise, Liz asks. "I don't know, Liz. It's a surprise." Angie snaps. "Do you know what a surprise is?" A drink suddenly appears in Angie's hand and she throws it in Liz's face and storms away. "Now you do!" A surprised Liz sputters, "You didn't even have a drink!"

In the writer's room, Randi is teaching baby Virginia, (Tracy and Angie's baby girl), an important lesson: "Shhh. Don't learn to talk. A woman's power comes from her silence." A dripping wet Liz walks in and notices Virginia. Randi asks Liz to watch her and Liz jokes that she's not sure because, "I might bite these fat little legs!" She leans down and pokes Virginia playfully. "I might eat those up because they're so fat and juicy!" Virginia scowls at Liz. Virginia's Talking Head: "Rude!"

Jack's Office - Jack discusses details of Avery's release on the phone when Diana, (Avery's mother played by Mary Steenburgen) enters his office. She's surprised by the cameras in Jack's office. He tells her it's for a reality show and she's disgusted. She'd like a drink. Jack offers her D'Fwan's Boutique Wine, "D'Fwine." They clink glasses and Jenna swoops in, her own wine glass in hand and announces to the cameras, "I'm a part of this as well! I played Avery in the TV movie Kidnapped By Danger." Diana rolls her eyes and Jack tells her this meeting is for family only. Diana suggests Jenna "go back to whatever Florida bathroom she crawled out of." Jenna is hurt but thanks Diana for looking on her Wikipedia page and finding out that Jenna was indeed, conceived on a toilet. She throws her drink on the floor and storms out. Jenna's Talking Head: she weeps and implores, "if a beautiful woman cries and no one hears it, did she waste $700 on crying lessons at Adrien Brody's Unaccredited Acting School?" Back at Jack's office, Diana tells Jack that when Avery comes back, she doesn't think "we should tell her about us." Jack spits out his boutique wine and glances at the cameras. Diana realizes what she just revealed, and stares into the camera, "Oh f—k!"

Jack is on full-force Damage Control. His Talking Head explains that his mother-in-law actually said "we shouldn't tell Avery about Gus," a business associate who Avery would not approve. Why? Because they dated…at Yale. He was a Professor. Will the camera crew meet him? Of course! Jack smiles uneasily.

Tracy's Dressing Room – Tracy is practicing his shooting skills with arrows and Dot Com as a target. Angie grills him on his big romantic surprise. She tells him Jack is out to ruin her big night so Tracy has to up the ante and make his surprise extra big. Tracy says he was actually planning on not attending because it's at 8pm which is the same time his Tokyo video game buddy, Takashi, sneaks online to play Mass Effect 3 with him. Angie is not having it and pointedly reminds him that he's a good husband. Tracy glances at the camera and reluctantly nods. His Talking Head: He wants Angie to be happy. But most of all he wants to do nothing. It's hard trying to have it all.

Randi comes back to the writer's office looking for baby Virginia. She finds her in Liz's office on the floor. Liz is visibly disheveled and screams, "She bit my BLEEP!" Liz puts on her glasses and her Talking Head informs the audience that, "it's work!" She's fine though, she tells the camera, as her messy hair and pained expression says the opposite.

Jack's Office – He's expecting 'Gus,' his new business partner. A strange man wearing a foil helmet with ill-fitting blazer and tie saunters in. Cleary hired just off the street. Jack shows him a few recent profit projections and hands him a stack of papers. 'Gus' tosses them aside and begins stuffing his pockets with the apples on Jack's coffee table. Jack turns to the camera and says the meeting is done and it probably didn't even need to be filmed. Diana enters and Jack introduces their business partner, 'Gus' whom she mentioned last time. She tells Jack that she didn't say 'Gus,' she already explained to the reality show what she said. Her Talking Head explains that she said "Rus," as in the mythological founder of Russia…whose name is upon the restaurant she's opening….and Jack has invested in it. "It's Russian cuisine. Who doesn't love cold, purple soup?" Jack tells Diana – and the cameras – that they're talking about the same thing and together they create a story they're both satisfied with: Rus is the restaurant they're opening and Gus is a Professor and a chef who works there. 'Gus' grins and nods at the camera, "and the grand opening is tonight!" Angie's Talking Head: "Now he's opening a restaurant the same night my clothing line launches? That is a bridge too far!" She smiles vengefully and says no one will notice the restaurant when there's a fashion show going on in the middle of it!

Liz strides through the TGS hallway holding a small pink gift bag. She nears the green room and is stopped by D'Fwan (Tituss Burgess) who won't let her through. Liz just wants to give baby Virginia a cute crinkly book she bought. D'Fwan tells her that after what happened between her and Virginia this morning, he can't let her near the baby. Liz is confused. Oh, that fat little leg comment. Liz tells him she was just being cute but D'Fwan warns her to never talk about leg size to a black woman – or baby. Liz asks if she can be honest; she's anxious about Virginia liking her because she's thinking of motherhood. She has a serious boyfriend so – "Lisa, D'Fwan doesn't talk about people behind their backs so I'm just going to tell you straight to your face that what you're saying is very boring. So I'm just going to stay out of this fight between you and Virginia." He opens the door slightly and Liz peeks in. Virginia throws a toy at her and mumbles, "I'm mad! Go away." Liz's Talking Head: "Rude."

An East Indian Curry House banquet hall – Diana and Jack frantically put together their restaurant opening. They're stressed and anxious. Diana says she's been waiting a year for…'the restaurant opening' and she should feel excited and relieved but – Jack takes her hand and finishes her sentence – "it's complicated." Aware of the camera they step apart and stand awkwardly.

Hair Salon – Randi is getting her hair done when Jenna appears, cameras in tow. "There's the gang!" she squeals. She approaches baby Virginia, who's getting her nails done, and tells her she heard what Liz said. "Liz is totally shady." Virginia agrees. Liz Talking Head: no, she's not upset that everyone went to the salon without her. It's not a feud, but she hasn't spent much time with babies and what if she's really bad at it? She starts to cry. Sniffling, she comments that she'd watch this on TV because it's good TV. "I'd feel for Liz." Tracy stumbles in, about to unbuckle his pants and asks "isn't this usually the bathroom?" No, it's usually Lutz' office, Liz tells him. He looks around. "I think I just solved the mystery of the Phantom Pooper." He sees Liz's teary face and asks what's wrong. She tells him about the fight with Virginia and he suggests that maybe children in general don't like Liz. "I'm going through something real here!" she shouts. "All anyone wants to do in these dumb shows is fight and scream and throw things." She gets up, flips over the chair and says she's going to get original up in here. She whips off her mic and screams that there's nothing real about reality TV. She flips the bird to the camera and stomps off. "You happy now, America?"

At the grand opening of Rus, the writers, cast and crew of TGS arrive. Angie sets up her fashion show with models milling about. Kenneth, looking polished, enters and is greeted by Diana and Jack. "Welcome to Rus. This evening we will be serving all the perogies Costco had. And then, Burger King." Liz enters in a red floral dress and sees Virginia – who wears the exact same dress. Virginia scowls. Jenna flips over a random chair and stomps over to Liz. How dare Liz wear the same dress! She knew it was Virginia's night. Liz asks what she's doing. Jenna whispers that she's hitching her wagon to Virginia's star. Liz reminds Jenna that she's had cameras following her all day; Jenna is already a star. They want her on the show! Jenna glances at the surrounding cameras all trained on her. She realizes they do want her – which means "I'm too good for this crap!" She tells the camera to get away from her. She's revoking her waiver. "Blur my face!" The camera blurs her face and she disguises her voice. "Thank-you, gays!" Jenna purrs and strides away.

In the back, Kenneth is informing Angie that no one is noticing her fashion show because there are so many interesting things going on: Jack's Oriental matter, the Liz/Virginia feud and Kenneth's beef with a cord he tripped over earlier. Angie is not happy. She just wants Tracy to show up. D'Fwan runs up and informs Angie that a signature piece cannot be worn because the model is pregnant. What now? Kenneth comments that he's the same size – he was his grandmother's favourite so he got all her old hand-me-downs. Angie and D'Fwan look at each other.

The fashion show is in full swing. Diana tells Jack that she's amazed they actually pulled this off. More importantly, he tells her, they got through this year without anything to regret or apologize for. They shake hands and smile and suddenly they are kissing. A record scratch and gasps from onlookers. Liz glares at Jack and rolls her eyes. Just then, Kenneth makes his runway debut in an awkward, robotic strut. He runs back stage, elated. D'Fwan tells him he was horrible. Angie is upset because that is the last dress and Tracy still hasn't shown up. "I'm going to kill that man!" D'Fwan watches her walk away, concerned. Kenneth turns to D'Fwan and inquires, "what's cocaine like?"

A guilty Jack and Diana stare at their guests. "What was that?!" Frank asks. Liz tries to do damage control and pipes up, saying it was nothing. Jack's like that with everybody. She stands next to him. "He's a kisser! Right, Jack?" Jack hastily agrees, claiming it's a European tradition. Liz and Jack painfully and awkwardly demonstrate this friendly tradition, much to the crowd's amusement. They shake hands and Liz sprints away. Out of the clear, Jack turns to find D'Fwan waiting to say 'hi,' and behind him, a line-up of people including 'Gus' and Jenna.

Randi, holding Virginia, walks up to Liz and tells her Virginia knows what Liz just did for Jack and would like a hug. Liz gives Virginia a big, teary hug. In her Talking Head, she holds Virginia in her lap. Virginia hugs a stuffed giraffe and Liz tells the camera that the feud is over. Virginia likes her toy giraffe so much, the show is sending them both on a fun girls' getaway to Somalia!

An angry Angie bursts into Tracy's dressing room. He's playing a video game. She yells that she spent the last 20 years supporting him and he can't even come out and give her a standing ovation. "I'm sorry that I turned what was supposed to be a quiet, romantic evening into a giant fight in front of all these cameras!" he tells her, then glances around at the cameras and smiles. Angie realizes that all cameras are trained on her and this is the end of her night. This is her finale! She begins playing along, yelling at Tracy for "causing all this drama, and starting this riveting fight!" "We are a trainwreck you cannot look away from!" Tracy shouts. They continue screaming and trashing the room; tables flip, mirrors smashed, threats made. "This divorce may last all next season!" Tracy yells and they both glare at each other, and then glance at the cameras. Good (reality) TV!

The episode ends with a sneak peek of next week's "Queen of Jordan:" D'Fwan comes by to say 'hi' to Jack – yet again. Kenneth meets another cord he doesn't like. Liz and Virginia stand amongst rubble in Somalia, "you were two hours late, you stole all my hangers and YES, I'm drunk! I'm on vacation!" she yells at Virginia. Virginia reclines in her stroller and scowls at Liz.

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