30 Rock Season 1 Episode 9

Kenneth: My mother always told me that, even when things seem bad, there's someone else who's having a worse day. Like being stung by a bee, or getting a splinter, or being chained to a wall in someone's sex dungeon.

Josh: (impersonating Jack on the phone) Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see a doctor. I keep pooping during sex.

Jack: If you insist upon going all Murphy Brown on me, let me give you a tip. Don't smother your child with affection to compensate for not having a man in your life. Don't say "You're the only man I'll ever love." Even babies know that's creepy.
Liz: Of course.
Jack: Don't put little notes in their lunch bag that say "Mommy's watching you." People find those things.
Liz: I bet you behaved yourself, though.
Jack: If your child is a terrific hockey player and a gifted flautist, don't make them play the National Anthem on the flute in front of their teammates.
Liz: Your mother did that?

Jack: (about motherhood) Is this what you want, Lemon? To breathe life into another human being just to spend the rest of your days slowly sucking it out of them?

Liz: Didn't you have a vasectomy?
Pete: No, I just told my wife I did.
Liz: And she doesn't get pregnant how?
Pete: I fake it.

Kenneth: Good morning, Mr. Donaghy.
Jack: Go to Hell!
Kenneth: (pleasantly) No, thank you.

Liz: What's going on? Business got you down?
Jack: Business doesn't get me down. Business gets me off.

Dr. Spaceman: (answering phone) This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Liz: (confused) Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I got this number under fertility in the Writers Guild Health Manual?
Dr. Spaceman: I'm also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So, what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can't personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.

Liz: I'm not firing Josh.
Tracy: You always take his side.
(flashback)
Liz: Tracy, stop tasering him!
(return to present)
Tracy: See? I need to be respected, Liz Lemon.

Liz: (To Jack) Well, you're right again. Write it down in your little "I'm Awesome" book.

Tracy: This is untoward. This is not toward!

Jack: My mother tried to send me to Vietnam to make a man out of me... when I was twelve.

Liz: So Cerie, how long have you known this guy, that you're... marrying?
Cerie: It'll be two months in three weeks.

Liz: Please, do not bother Jack. He is in a weird place right now.
Tracy: B.B. Jackson's condo?
Liz: No.
Tracy: A children's clothing store in Dubai?
Liz: Just stop guessing!