30 Rock Season 1 Episode 8

Random Guy: (flirting) Hey, is this seat taken?
Liz: (irritated) Ugh! Really, dude? I have to move my coat?! There are, like, four empty seats over there. Can't you just be cool?!
(he sulks away)
Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink.
Liz: Really? I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

(Jenna spies some guys in suits at the bar)
Jenna: They're cute. Do you think they're Wall Street guys?
Liz: Yeah, I think they're from the firm of 'Date Rape, Cokington, Cheeseball, & Jag'.

Jenna: I'm taking you out to celebrate—a girls' night. We'll meet some new people.
Liz: Oh, you mean like at a discotheque?
Jenna: Oh, boy...

(Liz watches Dennis on Dateline NBC's "To Catch A Predator" in shock)
Chris Hansen: What are you doing here tonight?
Dennis: (with balloons) I'm here to boff some chick named Mary.
Chris Hansen: "Boff some chick named Mary"... do you know how old Mary is?
Dennis: 22... I think?
(Liz screams, Dennis runs in and turns off the TV)
Liz: Oh, my God!
Dennis: Oh, crap! That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God I could tell she was 22!
Liz: Get out of my apartment!
Dennis: This happened while we were broken up!
Liz: No, no, no, no, no. I was right about you. This is a con, by the way. You on Dateline is a CON!

Jack: Guess where I was last night.
Liz: Mark Foley's pajama party?
Jack: No, Kandahar.
Liz: Afghanistan?
Jack Yeah, I took the corporate jet to hook up with my neocon inamorata.
Liz: Well, I'm glad things are still working out for you and your "mystery lady".
Jack: Actually they're not. I broke up with her.
Liz: Really? What happened?
Jack:Well, I finally realized we're not compatible. I mean I'm all for fantasy role play -- but Abu Ghraib?!
Liz: Well, you know, relationships end, people move on...
Jack: I'm glad at least I gave it a shot. Thank Dennis for making me do this.
Liz: Dennis??
Jack: I might have been too hard on the guy. He's OK.

Dr. Smew: So, what else? What else can we not call each other?
Crew Guy: How about sweaty greaseball?
Dr. Smew: Oh, very good, that's highly offensive.
Billy Huckster: Person of color!
Dr. Smew: I guess if you say it like that.
Tracy: Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch.

Tracy: Our comedy got to do more than make people laugh, it gotta make people think. I want to hold a mirror to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.

Liz: (about a Great Dane) Whose horse is that?
Dennis: Thats my cousin Teddy's Great Dane. I told him I'd watch him for a couple of weeks 'cause Teddy broke his ankle running from some black guys who pulled a gun on him.
Liz: Now why is it important to tell me that the muggers were black?
Dennis: They weren't muggers, they were cops.
Liz: So why don't you just say that he was running from some cops?
Dennis: I don't know. I mean, you're racist for assuming that they weren't cops.

Jack: (on the phone with his mystery girlfriend) So when can we see each other again? (pause) What are you wearing? Black dress? Black stockings? A funeral, oh. I'm sorry.

Toofer: Think about it, Tracy. All the best African American comedians refuse to do drag. Chris Rock doesn't do it. Dr. Cosby doesn't do it.
Tracy: Bernie Mac doesn't do it 'cause he's look ugly as hell. (pause, to Frank) Forget it. I'm not wearing a dress. It's prejudicial.
Frank: (to Toofer) Thanks a lot. Now what am I suppose to do with this sketch?
Josh: I'll do it. I mean, my parents raised me as a girl for, like, ten years.

Josh: (dressed in drag) Rodney! Don't make me come over there and beat on you with my boom-booms!

Toofer: (looking through a dictionary, sarcastic) Here it is. "-Izzle—a suffix that can take the place of anything."
Tracy: Now you're just being patronizzle.
Frank: Do you know who would love this argument? My racist grandfather.

Liz: (to two men hitting on Jenna) Really?! You think she looks like Jessica Simpson?! You could put a blonde wig on a ferret and it would look like Jessica Simpson! Oh, and by the way, Jessica Simpson would think you guys are old and gross!