30 Rock Season 1 Episode 11

Jack: Good God, what does that man do in here?
Kenneth: I don't know. I've never met Brian Williams, but his dressing room needs to be cleaned up every day between 11:00 and 11:30. That way, by the time Mr. Williams gets back from the liquor store, it's nice and tidy.

Gray: I have a friend who's opening up a new restaurant in Soho, and I was hoping that you'd go with me.
Liz: (confused) What?
Gray: Uh, do you want to go out with me tonight?
Liz: (suspiciously) Why?
Gray: Because it would be fun? And you seem cool?
Liz: (confused) What?

Liz: I don't have any money, if that's what you're after. And I'm not one of those girls that does weird stuff in bed because they think they have to. If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore. And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop, so don't even try.
Gray: Hey, we all have uncles who are cops, so just take it down a notch.

Josh: I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?
Jack: Yes.
Josh: Well then yeah, genius, get me a new salad! Or, get me a time machine so I can go back in time and smack your mom for smoking crack while she's pregnant. (to Kenneth) Too much?
Kenneth: No, that's usually how it goes.

Kenneth: …more than jazz or musical theatre or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form. Think of all the shared experiences television has provided for us: from the moon landing to the Golden Girls finale; from Walter Cronkite denouncing Vietnam to Oprah putting that trash bag of fat out in the wagon; from the glory and the pageantry of the Summer Olympics to the less-fun Winter Olympics. So, please, don't tell me I don't have a dream, sir. I am living my dream.

Jack: (to Jonathan) What do you think sounds like the better idea—a talk show without a host, just the voice of the dead lady from Desperate Housewives, or a reality show with a lot of super hot nannies who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight? Never mind, this television programming stuff is just one unpredictable ass-ache, and I want you to get it out of here!

Gray: Did you get home okay last night?
Liz: Yeah. Thank you for convincing me to go back to the party, it was fun. Although I ate way too much oxygen.
Gray: Yeah, you actually got a little oxygen right there on your coat. (reaches to brush some "oxygen" off Liz's coat)

Jack: Kenneth, you and I actually have a lot in common. We're both hard workers. When I was your age, it was putting myself through college in Boston. Paddling Swan boats for the tourists.
Kenneth: Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker?

Waiter: The hors d'oeuvres today are boxes of pure oxygen infused with a saffron and a white truffle oil.
(Liz opens an empty box)