30 Rock

Liz: (finding out Jack's charity dinner isn't that night) Why are you wearing a tux? Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

Jack: A cookie in the middle of the day? Liz: I gave blood. Jack: Does that burn calories?

Tracy: What else is on my mind grapes? I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan, and not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of.

Jack: (Practicing for a charity dinner) Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills they named Welch's grape juice after him because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers' mind-grapes. Liz: That doesn't even make sense. Jack: No, it doesn't, does it. I wrote it down in the middle of the night.

Tracy: (crazy on meds, seeing Pete in a toupée) No! Past Pete is here to kill future Pete!

Jack: (to Conan) Well, Tracy's feeling a lot better now. He's under a doctor's care. Conan: Ya, thats what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during commercial break.

Kenneth: Well, I got started in the NBC page program, and before you know it, I'm making hit movies with my best friend and roommate Zach Braff. (takes a sip from his invisible mug; laughs) What? Who told you that? Well, yes I do know how to clog, but I don't think anybody wants to see me do that... (waits for non-existent audience reaction) You do? Really? Okay. (Kenneth begins to clog; Conan enters) Conan: You're a weird guy, Kenneth. Kenneth: (still clogging) See you tomorrow, Mr. O'Brien!

Liz: I need you to go to the pharmacy. 46th and 8th. Go pick up Tracy's medicine. Kenneth: Yes, sir!

Tracy: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America. Toofer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we'll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy. Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife. Tracy: Me and my wife like to play 'rape'. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I'll put on a ski mask— Pete: Okay, not that. Frank: Hey, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up. Tracy: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong. Pete: No. Tracy: Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone. Pete: What was that? Tracy: I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy— Pete: No.