30 Rock Season 1 Episode 13

Kenneth: It's like Dr. Laura Schlessinger says. Women should be more accommodating to their men, for the health of the marriage.
Cerie: She sounds smart. Is she really a doctor?
Kenneth: No, I think she's kinda like Dr Pepper.

Jenna: My vagina is a convenience store—clean and reliable, and closed on Christmas.

Cerie: (playing Marry, Boff, Kill) I'd kill Lutz. Sorry, Lutz.
Lutz: The thought that you would do anything to me is awesome.

Jack: (about Bianca) It's gonna take all day and into the night to deal with that crazy woman: fighting, conniving, clawing at each other.
Liz: Are you angry or excited right now? I can't tell.

Liz: (On the phone) Hi, my name is Liz Lemon, and I received flowers from your shop tonight and I can't tell who they're from. (Pause) No, no, I did read the card but it's not signed.... No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess... Well, that is just... Oh, oh, well you know what, I found the card, actually, they're from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks! (Hangs up)

Tracy: Hells yes Liz Lemon. And I had plans. Me and Angie rented the penthouse at the SoHo Grand where we will drink wine and pleasure each other.

(Playing with the TV remote after bringing a hooker with him to Tracy's hotel room)
Jack: Ooh, video games! We could play video games.
(Someone knocks on the door)
Angie: (Grumbling to Tracy) This is the second-worst Valentine's day we ever had!
Liz: (At the door) Hi, is Mr. Donaghy here?
Angie: Another prostitute?!?

Bianca: Johnny, promise me you won't sell the Arby's.

Cerie: (to Kenneth) If you want to tell those guys upstairs we made out, that's okay.

Josh: Cerie said she would do it with you.
Kenneth: Well, that just makes me perspire.

Jack: (about Bianca) I wish I could touch her boobs again, she really had a fabulous pair of boobs.

Frank: Your tan's fake, your hair's fake.
Jenna: Well, not the front.

Jack: Always remember, marriage is a competition and after eighteen years over overtime I am finally going to claim victory.

Tracy: I have to be downtown dressed as a ninja by ten.

Frank: (to Jenna) Did you just come from a Suzanne Somers lookalike contest?
Jenna: Hilarious Frank. Actually I just came from performing at Vagina Day.
Toofer: Is that an offshot of The Vagina Monologues?
Jenna: No. We are in no way affiliated in with The Vagina Monologues. Vagina Day is charity event founded by a group of celebrities who have for whatever reasons, never been asked to participate in The Vagina Monologues. Every Febuary 14th we improvise monologues about our lady parts for the homeless.
Liz: Oh, to benefit the homeless?
Jenna: No, just...for them.

Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
Bianca: Damn it Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.

Frank: Well what about me? I just took a whole bunch of Cialis cos I have big Valentine's plans tonight.
Liz: With who?
Frank: Nobody.