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Reverend Eric Camden
Sheila: (angrily approaches Lucy with two girls behind her) Hey, Camden, you better meet me by the bus after school.
Lucy: I'm not meeting anyone anywhere.
Sheila: Okay, but if I were you, I wouldn't plan on taking the bus this afternoon.
Lucy: You know, I don't like being threatened.
Sheila: Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?
Lucy: I don't know, but you can all stop following me around, because I'm older than you are, I'm smarter than you are, and I'm tougher than you are!
Sheila: No you're not.
Lucy: Okay. (pauses) Well, my sister is. So just watch it, the three of you!
Eric: (to Theresa's parents, who are disowning her for being pregnant) Look, no matter what kinds of mistakes kids make--and believe me, my own have made some whoppers--it doesn't help to make them feel ashamed or embarrassed.
Theresa: (crying) I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say, but I'm just so sorry for everything!
Theresa's Mother: I think it's a little late for that.
Mary: Upstairs. The three of you. We need to talk.
Ruthie: Who squealed?
Simon: It wasn't me.
Ruthie: Lucy. Big surprise. Hey, where's the pregnant chick who stole Matt's car?
Annie: Kitchen. And show some respect.
Annie: Wait a minute. Why are you all together? What happened to the bus?
Lucy: I just change my mind, that's all. Too many freshmen.
Simon: Actually, I was going to walk home today, but I lucked out when Mary saw me and stopped to pick me up. By the way, she's not such a bad driver when Dad's in the car, you guys may want to take that under consideration.
Annie: Oh, just in time. The laundry just dropped off your clean clothes. All right, in the drawers of your rooms, not the floor, desk, desk chair, toy chest, bathroom counter or your bed, or my bed. Anything I find, I keep, if its underwear, I'm putting it out on the front yard where the neighbors can see it.
Simon: Sure, Mom.
Mary: Uh huh.
Theresa: My parents told me a thousand times that if they ever found out I had sex, that they'd disown me. And that if I ever got pregnant, I shouldn't even bother coming home, I was on my own.
Matt: You know how parents are, they say all kinds of crazy things but don't necessarily mean them. (to Annie) You've told us every day since I can remember, if we don't put our underwear in the laundry basket, you're going to put it out on the front lawn.
Annie: And one day I am going to do that, I am, I really am.
Matt: You see what I mean?
Eric: Annie, this is Theresa. Theresa's the one who "borrowed" Matt's car.
Annie: Pleased to meet you. Looks like we have something in common.
Eric: We called Theresa's parents, they're gonna come over later.
Annie: Do they know? Not to worry, Eric's very good at talking to parents about everything it'll be okay.
Eric: Uh honey, I was just kind of thinking that maybe you'd be the best person to talk to them.
Mary: I'm am an official licensed driver!
Matt: Chauffeur. Licensed chauffeur.
Eric: And it's not a license, it's a learners permit. Learner being the key word here.
Annie: That's right. Wherever you go, I shall go with you.
Mary: I don't care! I'm driving! And I am the greatest driver in all the world!
Mary: I got it! I got my learner's permit. And Dad got me my own set of keys. Congratulate me!
Lucy & Simon: Congratulations.
Lucy: No, it's not you. It's not your driving I'm afraid of. It's Mom. I don't want to be seen with her, especially at school, and neither do Simon and Ruthie. If you hadn't gotten your learner's permit, we wouldn't even be in this situation.
Mary: What are you talking about?
Lucy: Look, it's bad enough that Mom and Dad are all over each other in the house day in, day out, but this is like taking it to the streets...our streets, our schools, in front of our friends. Mom is a walking advertisement that those two can't keep their hands off each other and consequently, there are about to be seven of us. Seven! I'm surprised the zero population growth people haven't shown up at our door and dragged the two of them off to some seminar.
Mary: I hope Sheila beats the snot out of you.
Annie: And what have we here?
Ruthie: A hockey mask. It's for hockey. That's the one where the guys come in wearing their best Sunday suits and they look real good, and then they put on football suits and skates and fight each other with big sticks, and the ones who don't wear these masks, sometimes they don't have no teeth left, and the ones that are really ugly, they put them in a glass boxy and let people look at them and when they get tired of looking, they get out.
Annie: Where do I even begin with that?
Matt: It's not "no teeth," it's "any teeth," as in "they don't have any teeth left."
Annie: Thank you.
Ruthie: I got enough problems, all right?
Ruthie: Have what?
Matt: No, it's you "have" enough problems.
Ruthie: You think I've got problems, you could go to jail, mister.
Annie: "Finished". But never mind. Okay Ruthie, I think we're setting up a bad pattern here, today it's a hockey mask, yesterday it was a football helmet.
Ruthie: I like to be fair to all the sports.
Matt: Aren't you afraid you're going to hurt Mary's feelings? I wouldn't want to hurt Mary's feelings. Mary's your sister. And she loves you. And she's about three times your size and can toss you around like a basketball.
Ruthie: Mary's feelings? For a college boy, you don't know nothing.
Matt: Anything! Anything!
Annie: (about Mary giving Matt a ride to campus) I am fully aware that you haven't ridden in a back seat for years, so I'd be happy to sit behind you.
Matt: You just don't want a front seat view of Mary-O-Andretti on a four lane.
Mary: (about Ruthie wearing a helmet) That's not funny.
Ruthie: What's not funny? Who's trying to be funny?
Mary: I'm a very good driver.
Ruthie: I'm sure you are.
Mary: Then take the helmet off.
Ruthie: It's not a helmet, it's a sports hat, kinda like a baseball cap, only for football, and it matches my shirt.
Mary: Give me a break. Take it off.
Eric: (about the other kids)I'm sure they'll all get used to your driving soon.
Mary: Does "all" include you and Mom?
Eric: No, that will never happen.
Annie: Lunches are on the kitchen counter. Don't worry. This bus thing won't last long.
Mary: I hope they really hate it and they want a ride home today, but you punish them by making them take the bus for weeks and even months.
Ruthie: Punish me, Mommy, punish me.
Eric: I can't believe those two.
Annie: Sure makes me think twice about threatening our kids with anything. Boy, oh, boy they are something else.
Eric: Some days are better than others.
Annie: But everyday I spend with my family is a good one.
Theresa's mother: (to her husband) Five children and another one on the way.
Mary: Two more! She's having twins. You got a problem with that!?
Theresa's mother: (to Theresa) And now here you are with the biggest mistake of your life.
Annie: You know, I don't think God really makes mistakes!
Eric: My feelings exactly.
Annie: Of course, we as human beings make mistakes. I know I do. My husband does. My kids do, all five of them. They make mistakes. They make uninformed choices. They make naive choices. No one is perfect.
Matt: (to Theresa) I mean, you know how parents are, they say all kinds of crazy things but don't necessarily mean them.
Matt: You've told us everyday since I can remember if we don't put our underwear in the laundry basket you're going to put it out on the front lawn.
Annie: And one day I am going to do that. I am!
Matt: You see what I mean?
Annie: (about her kids, to Theresa's parents) For instance, when I go upstairs I know I'm going to find heaps of laundry dropped all over and not put in their drawers like I asked them to. But we love them. Just as I know that despite your anger, you love your daughter.
Theresa's Mother: This isn't a matter of whether or not we love our daughter!
Eric: It's totally a matter of whether or not you love your daughter.
Theresa's Father: Even so, there are some mistakes you just don't forgive. And this is one of them.
Mary: (to her younger siblings) You know, it's one thing to criticize Mom and Dad for the way they act, or the way they dress, but it's another thing to criticize them because they're having a couple little babies. I mean, those babies deserve all the love and respect we can give them, because that's all Mom and Dad have ever given us.
Theresa: I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. I don't know what else to say, but I am just so sorry for everything.
Theresa's Mom: I think it's a little late for that.
Theresa's Dad: You got yourself in this mess, you get yourself out of it.
Theresa: I told you...
Matt: Come on, Theresa, let's go. (turns to her parents) You know, when Theresa first told me she wanted a baby so she'd have someone to love her...I couldn't quite get it. Now I do.
Stevie: You've got two choices, Camden. A screamin' wedgie, or a long walk home.
Marvin: I'd choose the long walk home. And I'm speaking from experience.
Mary: (to Lucy) I hope she beats the snot out of you.
Theresa: You know, we just drove by your house on the way here. Did you know there was underwear all over the lawn?
In Germany this episode is known as, "Doubtful Driving Pleasure", translated.
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