8 Simple Rules Season 1 Episode 6

(after Paul learns Kerry made cheerleader instead of Bridget)
Cate: Tell me, Paul. What exactly do you think... (waves her hands in the air, strokes one hand near her neck, and holds up her finger to her lips) means?

Bridget: This is all my fault.
Paul: No, it's not. It's my fault for falling in love, getting married and having kids!

Paul: If you two can't be civil, I want you to both go to your rooms!
Bridget: Dad, we share the same room.

Paul: I had a little chat with Kerry in the car.
Bridget: He did?
Kerry: Yeah.
Bridget: I hate those things! The ones where he almost cries.
Kerry: Yeah, he is such a cheerleader!
Paul: Yell captain!

Paul: This is something new for Kerry, can't you let her enjoy it?
Bridget: No!

Paul: (About Kerry) Have you ever considered she might be happy?
Bridget: Oh please, like she's ever happy!

(At cheerleading tryouts)
Kerry: Oh my god, my IQ is plummeting just by being here.

(Kerry and Bridget are arguing)
Rory: I think I'll walk to school today.
Paul: Nice move.

Cate: Paul, what are you doing?
Paul: (concentrating on video game) Couldn't sleep. Girls fighting. Re-examining my life. Had to find out why Rory is so obsessed with these games.
Cate: What time did you start finding out?
Paul: About three am.
Rory: And you're only there.

Cate: Kerry has the right to be cheerleader and Bridget has the right to be upset about it.
Paul: What about my rights? I pay for everything.

Cate: Don't you read those parenting books I give you?
Paul: No, I just skip to the chapters on how to keep them from having sex.

Bridget: You know how long I've been dreaming of this?
Paul: Well let's see, Sabrina was busted on Monday. So since Monday.

Kerry: I don't know why you're so upset. They said you might make the squad. You can spend a year doing drill team.
Bridget: You better sleep with your eyes open.
Paul: Did she say drill team? Poor Bridgie. When I was in high school we called drill team "The Dork Squad."
Cate: I was on drill team.

Paul: I'm a little stunned. Why would Kerry even want to be cheerleader?
Cate: Same reason you wanted to be a cheerleader.
Paul: Yell captain.

Paul: (About Bridget) Cate, she is so unhappy. Make it better.

Bridget: Kerry, Lindsay's called like seven times. (throws phone)
Paul: Honey, in America we say it's for you, then we throw the phone.

Paul: Hey beautiful.
Cate: Oh Paul please, I've been in catheter hell all day.
Paul: I'm good.

Paul: I'm mad at you! It was something you said.
Cate: What?
Paul: Let's start a family.

Bridget: You know, you've made this, like, the third worst day of my life.
Paul: This is worse than lost in the forest?

Kerry: Mom, did you know dad was a cheerleader?
Cate: Well, I married him, so I guess not.

Tommy: In high school, I was a cheerleader...
Paul: Me too!
Tommy: ...magnet.
Paul: Me too! Cheerleader magnet!
Tommy: (To coworkers) Hey, back in high school, Hennessy was a cheerleader!

Cheerleaders: The owls will stomp... stomp on you!
Kerry: How exactly does an owl stomp on you? It only weighs like one pound.

Kerry: Two! Four! Six! Eight! These mashed potatoes are really great!

Paul: When I was in high school, we called drill team the "dork squad."
Cate: I was on drill team.
Rory: Way to go, Dad.

Kerry: I can't believe you're encouraging your daughter to join the airhead squad. Aim high!
Paul: They're not all airheads, Kerry.
Kerry: No, some of them are potheads.

Paul: Nowadays cheerleading is qualified as a legitimate sport.
Kerry: Sport? Ha!
Cate: Besides, it would look good on Bridget's college application.
Kerry: College? Ha!