90210

Last week's episode ended with a super dramatic finale, featuring drug addicted Adrianna sprawled on the ground as paramedics rushed to save her from a potentially fatal overdose. This week we opened with a less than satisfying montage sequence featuring photographs of West Beverly's Homecoming court. To say I am disappointed is like saying I was just a little excited to go to a Chanel sample sale. I mean, I am all for building viewer suspense, but a cheesy montage sequence after last week's strong and artistic episode is a bit of a letdown.



Anyway, as the Pussycat Dolls croon the lyrics to "I wanna be famous" we are treated to a photo montage sequence featuring all the beautiful people of West Beverly High. Apparently, Homecoming week has arrived and several popular students are competing for the crown. Naomi. Ethan. Adrianna. Oh, shocker – Adrianna wants to be famous. Well dear, an overdose might not win you the homecoming tiara, but there's nothing like a washed up child star overdosing to make the cover of US magazine. Hey, if you go to Promises maybe you can stay in Lindsay or Britney's old room! Bet that would just thrill Mama Lohan.



Mama Lohan might be excited but I know another Beverly Hills mom who isn't too happy at the moment. Debbie Wilson is pouring over her husband's old yearbook and noting with pleasure how her rival, one Tracy Clark, hasn't changed a bit since high school. And while that might sound like a surprisingly nice thing to say about the woman who kissed her husband, a compliment it is not. "Maybe I should pay a visit to Dr. Make it tight." Meow. Harry laughs off Debbie's remarks but it is clear that Debbie is feeling some residual anger over the whole sordid scandal – otherwise why would she be looking at those yearbooks?



Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of their children. Dixon is quizzing Annie in preparation for her driver's permit exam. Annie seems well-prepared but I can't help but wonder if the new 90210 is planning on recycling yet another old storyline? I do recall the original Beverly Hills, 90210 spending several episodes on Brenda's inability to pass a driving test. C'mon guys – it's an old, tired story. The original fans of this show aren't so old that they aren't watching… and if you're going to recycle storylines at least make nods to the original audience. Anyway, mom and dad seem impressed by Annie's preparedness but Principal Dad seems less thrilled to realize his precious daughter is that much closer to getting behind the wheel of his car.



Well his kids are about be less-than-thrilled too. The subject of Homecoming has arisen and it turns out that mom and dad are planning to chaperon the dance. Oh, great. Maybe they can even ride over in the same limo! Dixon is planning to take Silver, of course, but sadly Annie has no date. Guess Ethan hasn't gotten the kahunas to ask her out yet. Well Annie this is the millennium… ask him yourself!



Well, maybe she will. Silver and Annie are trolling the halls of West Beverly High talking about the aforementioned lacrosse stud and the 'almost kiss' they shared at the Hollywood Forever cemetery. Honestly, I'm glad that kiss didn't happen. Not that I'm not the first to jump on the Ethan/Annie train but would you really want your first kiss to happen six feet away from a rotting corpse? I didn't think so.



Speaking of all things romance, here comes Dixon with an invite to Homecoming for his favorite girl. Shockingly, Silver is not into going to the dance. Dixon's face falls just the slightest fraction, but he covers quickly especially when he learns that Silver is scheduled to have her wisdom teeth removed that day and wants him to take care of her. All together now: awwww. Dixon is definitely in love with the girl – at least if the giddy and love-struck expression on his face counts for anything.



Someone else is feeling love-struck even if she won't admit it. Undercover cop Kimberly is hanging out on the stairs talking to some resident West Beverly losers. They scatter when Ryan Matthews approaches but the sassy narc isn't phased by her 'teacher'. Of course, Ryan has no idea that Kimberly isn't 17 and her outrageous flirtation with him makes the man uncomfortable… in more ways than one if the bulge in his pants is any indicator. Okay, maybe not, but the teacher is definitely feeling the chemistry even if he won't admit to his forbidden feelings. Or at least he thinks they're forbidden. Wonder how he'll take it when he learns Kim's secret? Anyway, he tells her how inappropriate her comments are but she just takes it in stride. Cause what's he going to do? Expel her?



Meanwhile, Ethan catches up with Annie by her locker. The not-quite-couple flirt a bit, making sexual innuendos and double entendrés. And then, finally, the subject of Homecoming comes up. Ethan tells her he wants to invite her to Homecoming. Annie starts to accept but, oops, Ethan's not inviting her, after all. WTF? Her smile suddenly looks more broken than giddy. Just as I am about to throw something at the television screen, Ethan explains. He thinks it's too soon after his break-up with Naomi to officially step out with someone else, and he doesn't want to hurt his long-time ex-girlfriend. But if he goes to the dance alone and Annie just happens to be there… well, there's no harm in two friends dancing together and enjoying each others company is there? Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Ethan and Annie (these two really need a joint celeb couple name. Ethannie? Anniethan?) are officially going on a "non-date." Hmm. I wonder if a non-date will hurt Naomi's feelings any more than an official date would? Cause secrets and lies are always preferable to truth and honesty.



Speaking of lies, Naomi is in Principal Dad's office facing the consequences for her actions last week regarding Adrianna's drugs. For some reason, Ryan Matthews is also in the office. WTF? Since when does an English teacher sit in on meetings between the principal and student, when he isn't directly involved in the conflict? Obviously, he's not getting enough screen time so they have to squeeze him in somewhere. Anyway, he tells Naomi that Adrianna nearly died of a drug overdose. Fortunately for Naomi, Adrianna didn't die and confessed all; effectively releasing Naomi from any blame. Since the drugs weren't hers, Naomi won't be expelled, and the D.A. has dropped the charges against her. But since she was caught flushing illegal drugs, she'll have to face an entire semester of detention. I have to agree with Ryan's advice of "take it and run." I know I would.



And speaking of Adrianna, there she is looking as strung-out as ever and climbing the entrance steps of a very expensive looking rehab center. I wonder if her ears are buzzing. Anyway, Adrianna refuses to go in, but Wannabe-Mama-Lohan offers up some comforting words of encouragement. "Baby! You are at one of the most famous rehabs in the world!" Hah, I knew it. I bet the Wannabe even consulted Lynn Spears to find out which one was Britney's old room. I bet she calls the paparazzi before poor Adrianna even checks in. She's much too excited about the whole affair, especially as she glowingly tells her daughter that their lawyer pulled some strings and got her in "gratis" which means "free" for all of you non-Latin, non-Hollywood speaking viewers. Adrianna begs her not to leave her there, but the Wannabe just tells her she's wants her to get better. Yeah, so she can hurry and get back to that grueling audition process, right mom? Ugh. Stage mothers like her make me positively vomitous.



Meanwhile, Naomi is at school yanking pictures of her ex-boyfriend and her ex-BFF off her locker door. Annie walks up and offers her support. Naomi is amazingly gracious to her... her usual mocking tones are completely gone from her voice. She thanks Annie for her kindness and invites her to come to her house for a pre-Homecoming get-together. They'll get dressed, do each other's make-up, talk about boys… all that fun, girly stuff that girls do. Oh, but I wonder how Naomi will take it when she finds out about Annie's "non-date." Now there's a mood killer… you sure picked a good time to become besties with you crushes ex Annie. And Ethan agrees. What the hell does Annie think she's doing? Well, he doesn't say exactly that but his feelings on the subject are painfully clear. Annie teases him about being jealous, but clearly the boy has a point. She can't be his girlfriend and Naomi's bestie. It just doesn't work. This is high school, after all. There are rules about it!



Detention time. Naomi heads into her first afternoon of scholastic jail and rather than being grateful that she's not in, oh say prison, her disdain for her punishment is written all over her face. Give me a break. A semester of detention for possession of drugs is a damn gift. Whatever. The spoiled princess drops into a desk, much to the surprise of the bad-boy sitting next to her. His name is Ozzy, and it's clear he's got a thing for the popular girl sitting next to him. How very Breakfast Club. Their opening exchange is so priceless it has to be recorded here rather than paraphrased:

Ozzy:What'd you do to get in here? Sleep with a teacher?

Naomi: No, I turned them all down.

Ozzy: What they didn't pay enough?

Naomi: Not nearly enough.

He tries to tease her by speaking in Spanish, but she surprises him when she responds in fluent Honduran. He's a bit taken aback but takes it in stride. The whole thing would be kind of cute if I weren't so damn irritated that I don't speak Spanish well enough to understand what the two are saying. Hello, producers? Can you please remember a little thing called subtitles?



Meanwhile, Annie and Debbie are in the car going over road rules. At the same time, Navid drops in to visit Adrianna at Currents, 90210's answer to the famed Hollywood rehab clinic, Promises. Adrianna is shocked, to say the least, to see the editor of the Blaze visiting her. He explains that he's there to do a story for the school news show and wants to get her side of the story. Nice. Just in case there wasn't one person in school who hadn't heard about her overdose already, lets put it on the news. Guess Navid was busy interviewing angels when God was handing out sensitivity genes in heaven. Adrianna grabs his cell phone to send a text message to Naomi, begging her to come see her. She gives Navid his phone back and tells him she won't be doing his stupid story. He tells her that he's there for her "off the record." She just smirks. Elsewhere, Naomi reads her text message. "So will u come see me? I miss u. I need u." Naomi frowns and deletes it.



In a therapy session, Adrianna cries as she talks to her counselor. She tells her how badly she wants to see her friend Naomi. The therapist points out that it's good that Adrianna is claiming responsibility for her actions but Adrianna isn't impressed with herself. "Claiming responsibility? Yeah. So what? Obviously, it was my fault. I don't want to miss her. She was trying to help me and then I hurt her so badly, so deeply, that she's never gonna forgive me. And I can't live with myself knowing that I did something that awful."



Adrianna might not be having a good time of it, but someone else is. Silver is out of surgery, and her mouth looks all kinds of warped. Somehow though, all of this is extremely funny to her. Dixon half carries her to the couch where she collapses, giggling, claiming that having her wisdom teeth removed was like the funnest thing ever. Hmm… I wonder how many Percocet's the girl was given. Dixon goes to get her next dose and some water, but when he returns she's fast asleep. He curls up next to her, and for the thousandth time I think that these two make the cutest television couple ever.

Speaking of cute couples, I'm starting to see some possibility between Navid and Adrianna. He's back to see her at Currents and she's acting a bit warmer toward the journalism geek. She gives him some dirt on one of the celebrity patients in rehab for his story but he tells her he dropped the idea. Hmm… I wonder if there ever was a story to begin with. Maybe Navid got that sensitivity gene after all... especially when he brings out the care package he brought her. It's full of girly things like shampoos, soaps, conditioners, as well as fun stuff like a drawing kit and DVDs. Aw… either the boy is gay, or he's got a serious crush. I'm betting on the latter. Totes. Not that Adrianna can see it. In fact, she doesn't even thank him for his generosity. Instead, she just asks him for another favor: she wants him to bring Naomi to Currents to see her. "I need to apologize. It's killing me." Navid is taken aback. He promises to try but he doesn't see how he can force Naomi to come. Meanwhile, back at the Wilson mansion, Annie is celebrating the fact that she passed her driver's permit test with a 100 percent. Principal Daddy isn't so thrilled now that she's that much closer to getting her actual license.



A while later, Annie is over at Naomi's getting ready for her non-date with Ethan at Homecoming. Of course, Naomi has no idea that Ethan and Annie are planning to hook up later because if she did I'm sure that mascara wand she's wielding would be jabbing Annie in the eye about now. But she's happily clueless. She offers to lend Annie a pair of awesome Manolo Blahnik heels for the dance, and Annie happily tells her how much fun she's having. It's like having sisters! Yeah, Annie, except sisters generally don't steal each other's boyfriends. Anyway, Annie eventually musters up the courage to ask Naomi how she feels about Ethan dating other people. Naomi tells her that she just wants Ethan to be happy. Yeah, just as long as he isn't happy with any of your friends, right N? Tracy steps in to announce that Naomi has a "gentleman caller." Naomi looks totally startled, and I'm sure Annie is feeling a stab of worry too… is this more of that bubble Silver's always on about? Has Ethan run back to Naomi? Ah, but no. It's only Navid. Of course he's there about Adrianna's request… which is a bit odd when you think about it. Why would he choose Homecoming night? He had to know Naomi would be getting ready for the dance. Seems like Navid is turning into someone's puppet…



Meanwhile, Silver wakes up in major pain, asking when she is supposed to take another "pirate". Dixon laughs at her... she meant Percocet but since you can't say 'Percocet' on the air, this is the writer's very clever way of getting around it. Anyway, she's pretty annoyed with Dixon for not waking her up to take her pill an hour ago, when it was due. Now the girl is seriously hurting.



Someone else is seriously hurting: Debbie, even if she won't admit it. She's trying to pretend she's okay about the kiss Tracy planted on her husband, and the child they share too, for that matter, but mother-in-law Tabitha sees right through her. She tells her daughter she needs to stand up for her relationship, and her words are surprisingly kind for a woman who has never had a single nice thing to say about her daughter-in-law. "Look, I could squash you with an eye roll. But you could take on Tracy. When it comes to brains, and beauty, my dear, she's no match for you." Debbie is stunned into silence for a minute and so am I. But Tabitha isn't Tabitha for nothing. As soon as Debbie thanks her she says "That's okay. I won't remember it in the morning." Hah, now there's the Tabitha we know and love. Well maybe she recanted a bit, but I have a feeling her words left the desired effect. I don't know about you but I'm looking forward to a serious catfight!



Speaking of catfights, I wonder how long it will take for Annie and Naomi's fledgling new friendship to dissolve into a Kelly/Brenda like endship. And yes, that was a deliberate misspelling. But for now the two destined frenemies are on the fast track to being BFF's, especially since Adrianna seems to be on the outs with N. The new besties arrive at the dance, looking positively smashing, and unimpressed with the lush décor. Well, Naomi is anyway. Annie reveals a bit of the Kansas left in her when she gushes over the amazing band the school managed to book. Hey, it's a luxe life, but some of us have to live it, don't we?



As the girls take in the dance floor, the bad-boy from detention appears at Naomi's side. He insults her outfit, all but calling it slutty, and then moves away, leaving Naomi staring after him. Annie wants to know who that was. "He's a smart ass," she tells Annie. "With a hot ass," Annie notes. Naomi stares at her. "That sounds like something I would say." Indeed, Annie. Are we trying to turn into Ms. Clark? First her boyfriend, then her shoes, and now her biting wit? What's next? Are you going to go blonde and perm your hair? Anyway, Naomi heads off to get some drinks, conveniently leaving Annie alone to look for Ethan, her non-date for the evening.

Meanwhile, Navid has headed back to Currents to see Adrianna, sans Naomi of course. He tries to pretend that Naomi had a headache and might even skip the dance, but Adrianna sees right through the lie. She tells Navid he's always been a bad liar (how does she know?) and tells him she'll just have to handle it herself. There's a bit of a manic gleam in her eyes as she says it, and suddenly Adrianna looks more scary than tragic.



Back at the dance, Annie calls Silver to check on her swollen friend, which makes no sense since she knows her brother is there taking care of her. Obviously this phone call is a plot device to get Silver to the dance. Annie tells Silver how much Dixon must really love her since he's there taking care of her when he really did want to go to the dance. Silver narrows her eyes in surprise. See? Told you: plot device. Now Silver will do either one of two things: get all mad at Dixon for lying to her and their relationship will suffer, OR she'll get dressed up and insist they go to the dance. I really hope it's the latter because I love the cuteness of Silver and Dixon. Those two really need a couple name too, but I can't think of a good one… Dilver? Blech. Sixon? Don't think so. Six? Maybe. Oh! Got it… Vixon. Perfect.



Meanwhile, Ethan and Annie finally manage to "bump" into each other and then head for the dance floor hand in hand, Naomi the last thing on either of their minds. But Naomi is definitely thinking of them as she watches them dance closely, Annie's cup of punch hanging loosely in her hand. Ozzy walks up to her then, and takes the cups from her hand. "Naomi Clark can't be the girl with two cups." He leads her to the dance floor and rather than argue she tells him, "You better not touch my ass." What? You can say "bitch" and "ass" on television but not Percocet? What kind of lame sense does that make? Anyway, Ozzy is a surprisingly good dancer. He twirls and dips Naomi with practiced ease, as if he's been doing it for years. As they dance, they talk, and he learns she has detention for the entire semester. He's amazed: he only had it that one day. Maybe Ozzy isn't the bad boy he's pretending to be… but I'm betting he is. Or at least hoping so... all these clean cut kids can get a bit, well, boring. Even Adrianna's potentially edgy storyline is getting a bit too after-school special. Ozzy could be just what this white-bread, clean-cut show needs. But one thing is bothering me. Why is Naomi always taller than her boy-toys? Hello, ditch the spike heels, tall-girl! If I were her, I'd be yelling at some costuming people, pronto. And that casting director needs to be fired, post-hasty.



Anyway, Naomi and Ozzy converse in some more Honduran, and again I grow super-annoyed. This would be cute IF WE KNEW WHAT THEY WERE EFFING SAYING! Moments later, Naomi catches sight of Annie and I smell major confrontation brewing but just as things are about to get scandalous, Adrianna sidelines her ex-BFF. What the hell? Isn't she supposed to be in some detox sesh or something? Adrianna claims she's out on a night pass, but Naomi isn't fooled. She knows the girl is lying: they don't let you out for a night to go to a dance, for Kabbalah's sake. Anyway, Naomi tells her they can't be friends anymore because she can't deal with all the lying and the drama. A few steps away, a nosy Annie watches the whole scene unfold.



Out in the hallway, another scene is unfolding. Undercover narcotics officer Kimberly has managed to infiltrate a ring of drug dealers and is in the middle of a purchase when Ryan Matthews appears. The dealer beats a hasty exit but not before Ryan snatches the bag of drugs, and drags Kimberly off to see Principal Harry. Harry takes the drugs from him, but his calm manner infuriates Matthews, who starts yelling and threatening to call the school board, the L.A. Times, and anyone who can take down the principal, who he sees as completely ineffectual. Kimberly has finally had enough though, and her next words stun him to the core. "Oh for God's sakes, I'm a cop you dumbass." Ryan, who had a monologue full of words only a moment before, can only manage one word: "What?"



Well, Ryan might not have a lot to say right now, but Naomi sure does. She and Annie are talking about her dunzo friendship with Adrianna, and Annie thinks Naomi should give her another chance. Of course she does: she's from Kansas. Naomi segues the conversation to Annie's blossoming romance with Ethan. "I really wanna be friends with you, Ann." Annie tells her she'd like that, but Naomi isn't done yet. Nope, the girl smoothly manipulates the conversation, telling Annie they can't be friends if she's dating Ethan. "Friends tell each other everything, you know? And if you're with Ethan, I'm not gonna hear about your first kiss, or going out on dates with him. These are things were supposed to share together." (Please. Who even calls it "going out on dates" anymore? That is like so 1955.) Anyway, apparently Naomi is still giving Annie her guilt trip. "Annie, boyfriends come and go. But friends stick together." Oh, please, can someone pass me a vomit bag? Hypocrite, much, N? Fortunately, Annie calls her on the bull, reminding her that she didn't stick by Adrianna. Naomi tries to claim that was different, but Annie doesn't let her off the hook... Adrianna was her best friend and she needs her now, more than ever. Maybe someone never told you this N., but friendship is about more than shopping, Pinkberry and necklace swapping. It's about personal sacrifice and putting your friend's needs above your own. Or so I learned in Kindergarten.



Well, Naomi might not have grasped that concept yet, but Silver sure has. In her darkened living room she awakens Dixon and asks him to take her to Homecoming. She's dressed in a gorgeous blue-something and even with chipmunk face, she still manages to look devastatingly beautiful. Dixon is confused, but Silver tells him he's been outed: he should have just been honest with her from the start. They don't have to agree on everything, after all. They kiss tenderly, and Silver winces in pain. Dixon promises to stop for some aspirin on the way. Yeah Dixon... cause after Percocet, some aspirin is really going to make all the difference.



Speaking of making a difference, Debbie is determined to show Tracy just who she's messing with. She confront her at the dance and tells her that if she doesn't back off of her husband then they are going to have a very big problem. Tracy scoffs at her. "Gosh. I don't know how I would get through the day, knowing that you were angry at me." Debbie smiles chillingly at her, in perfect Stepford wife fashion. "Let me define big problem, just so we're clear. I will hit you in the face so hard I will knock your teeth out." Debbie's smile never wavers, but Tracy's bravado definitely slips a notch or two.



Meanwhile, Adrianna is in the parking lot of the school, devastated after Naomi's rejection. Perfect timing dear... your dealer just happens to be parked nearby. Just as she is climbing into the loser's van, Navid appears and yanks her out, yelling at her not to "do this." With Adrianna safely out of the van, he rounds on her dealer. "Don't you ever sell to her again, you low-life piece of crap. Do you hear me?" The dealer punches him and turns on Adrianna. "Control your woman, A. Or next time it's going to get a lot worse." Lowlife leaves and Adrianna rushes to Navid's side and after finding him basically unhurt, asks him why he's doing this. Why can't he just leave her alone to ruin her own life? Well it turns out that Navid has been in love with her since middle school. Apparently, they used to be best friends, back before Adrianna got her own sitcom and became Little Miss Popularity. "I never forgot you. I never forgot who you used to be... I would always do anything for you. Anything." Something in his voice triggers a connection in Adrianna's brain, and she realizes that her lawyer didn't get her into Currents gratis… Navid paid for it. Or rather, his father did, at Navid's request. "I just want you to get better, all right? I just want you to get back to who you used to be." As they talk, Naomi approaches. Apparently, Annie's words struck a chord. Adrianna throws herself into Naomi's arms, apologizing profusely through her tears. It's all very after-school special-y. All it needs is an appearance by Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and we've got a perfect Lifetime movie/Beverly Hills 90210 reunion all in one!



You might think the drama in the parking lot is winding down, but actually it's just heating up. For some reason Annie is hanging out by someone's car (probably spying on Adrianna's mess of a life) when Ethan walks up to talk. She tells him that she can't hurt Naomi this way. She likes her too much to do this. Okay, but doesn't she like Ethan too? She starts to say "Well, yeah..." but he doesn't let her get to the "but" portion of her sentence. He cuts her off with an intense first kiss that rocks her world and mine, too. (Yes, I am totally living vicariously through Annie right now. Isn't that why we women watch these shows?)



And apparently, love is in the air tonight. As Ethan and Annie explore the excitement of their first kiss, Silver and Dixon dance together, lost in the dreamy ecstasy of first love. And in a secluded corner of the parking lot, Ryan sweeps Kimberly into his arms, finally able to give in to their mutual attraction and secure in the knowledge that at 25-years-old, she can hardly be considered forbidden.