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Fiona: You were supposed to be setting boundaries.
Will: You completely dropped the ball on the birds-and-the-bees conversation.
Fiona: Yeah, but I'm the mummy. I get to decide when to have the conversation about sex with my kid.
Will: Okay, well, I'm the neighbor, and when your son comes over at inconvenient times asking inappropriate, awkward questions, I'm going to answer, because I... (arriving at a realization) Because I'm attached to him, Fiona. He's a good little dude. I mean, he's weird, but he's a good dude, and sometimes little dudes need big dudes' wisdom.
Fiona: Well, just how graphic was it?
Will: (whispering) Pretty graphic.
Will: Okay, before you get all angry, I want you to know that I turned down sex with a woman named after a soft drink to help your son tonight.
Fiona: (with slight sarcasm) How very tragic. I could've gotten laid tonight, too, you know?
Fiona: No. I mean, it was a disaster even before Marcus yelled "intercourse" in the middle of a crowded restaurant.
Fiona: (angrily to Will) After everything that we talked about, you had the talk--- the talk--- with my son?!
Will: (sarcastically) Okay, oh, I'm so sorry that a ten-year-old doesn't know where babies come from!
Marcus: I'm eleven! Why can't you ever remember that, dude?!
(upon seeing Fiona and Lou at the restaurant)
Marcus: (shouting, to Lou) Back the HECK up off my mother! I know what this is! This is foreplay! Don't you DARE intercourse her!
(Lou arrives to pick up Fiona and meets Marcus at the door)
Lou: Oh, hey there, little fella. Is your mom home?
Marcus: (rigidly, displeased) Mother's in the other room. She'll be out momentarily.
Lou: (uncomfortably) Okay. What's your name? Mine's Lou.
Marcus: Your name is of no interest to me. It would be a waste of my time to commit it to memory, for you are merely a blip--- a momentary pitstop on the road to Willsville.
Fiona: Is it weird that I haven't had sex with anyone since Marcus's dad?
Dakota: (shocked) Oh, honey.
Dakota: (somewhat horrified) No. Things grow over.
Fiona: Well, no, no. I know it's been a long time. You know, I've been wondering about getting back out there, but you--- you make sacrifices, don't you? You put your own satisfaction aside when you have children---
Dakota: Did you hear me? (emphatically, indicating Fiona's "lady" region) Things. Grow. Over! Okay, nobody panic. We just have to get you back out there.
Fiona: (to Will about Marcus) Look, if he's confused about your role in his life, that's on you.
Fiona: If he sees you as a father figure, it's because you act like one.
Will: No, I don't.
Fiona: You do. You're always out there playing with him, and you take him to baseball games, and you build forts with my good pillows... You do father-son things together.
Will: (somewhat offended) We do kid-kid things together.
Fiona: Well, he doesn't see it like that. Actually, this is a good conversation that we're having right now, because you need to stop acting like a father and start acting more like a neighbor, because your relationship with my son is very unhealthy.
Will: (offended) Says Norma Bates! I'm gonna tell you something, okay? What you guys got going on here is a "Bates Motel" situation. And I've seen Psycho. I know how this ends, okay? And it's--- (groans in disgust) I gotta take a shower. And you know what? Now I can't even take a shower 'cuz I'm too scared. Listen, for Marcus's emotional well-being and for my safety, will you please get laid?! (to himself as he leaves) Eleven years? I can't go eleven days!
Will: Hey, Fiona, We've got a situation.
Fiona: Is Marcus okay?
Will: Nope. He thinks that I'm going to be his father.
Fiona: Why does he think that?
Will: Because he's convinced that you and I are gonna start dating.
Fiona: Oh, that's ridiculous. I would never date you, ever. Ever.
Will: Well, Marcus does not know that.
Fiona: I think I know my son.
Will: Well, I think I know my neighbor, okay?
Fiona: Oh, and besides that, Marcus knows that I don't date.
Will: (surprised) Uh, excuse me?
Fiona: Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I can understand why you wouldn't understand that. I know your life is a revolving door of sexual interludes...
Will: That's correct.
Fiona: But normal people, when they have children, things change. You take the sexual part of yourself and you put it on pause.
Will: And exactly how long have you been on... (mimicking Fiona) pause?
Marcus: We should get a dog.
Will: Who should get a dog.
Marcus: All of us. You, me, and my mom.
Will: (somewhat surprised) Life lesson coming at you, dear Marcus: What we have here is called a fence, and it's here because we are not an "us." You and your mom are an "us." I am just a Will.
Marcus: You wouldn't be just a Will if the fence wasn't there.
Will: Well, barring a tornado, which is uncommon in this region, this baby isn't ever coming down. Ever.
Marcus: It will when you marry my mom. I mean if--- if you marry my mom.
Will: (completely caught off guard, stammering) Uh, listen, I gotta--- I--- there's, there's a--- I have a thing, I have a thing that's been very, uh--- I have a Will thing. Why don't we...?
Marcus: But wait! We're not done playing Dadminton--- I mean badminton. Badminton.
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