Gordon "ALF" Shumway [Voice/Puppeteer]
Katherine Daphne "Kate" Halligan Tanner
Kate says ALF says the handwriting of a 2-year old but in previous episodes it has appeared to be much neater.
Willie: What are you looking for?
ALF: Rebate coupons
Kate: Willie, isnt there someone we should consult about this?
ALF: TAKE THE MONEY!
Carl: The thing I want looks like a spaceship
Willie: Well, the spaceship is not for sale. . . Not that it is a spaceship, could be anything!
ALF: I'll slip out the sidedoor
Brian: We don't have a side door
ALF: Well, why not?
Willie: Just finish your will!
Kate: Mom, is Nick a violent man?
Dorothy: Yes, (glances at ALF) but he's fair.
ALF: You people are supposed to protect me from myself!
Lynn: What is it this time, food or money?
ALF: Have I become that predictable?
Willie: He placed a bet with your bookie and lost six grand!
ALF: When you say it, it sounds so sleezy.
Kate: And now the mob is after him!
Dorothy: Well, at least some good came out of this!
ALF: I, Gordon Shumway, being of sound mind and body . . .
Willie: I beg to differ!
Nick the Fish: Come on ALF, just give me the 6 grand so I can go home and use the vaporizer.
Willie: You think I placed a bet with you and now I owe you SIX THOUSAND DOLLLARS?
Nick the Fish: Well, thats the GENERAL IDEA.
Willie: What bookie?
ALF: That bookie
Willie: Kate, no one's buying anything
Kate: (snapping) I know that!
Willie: Well, it was just an observation.
ALF: Kate, quick question
ALF: Hypothtical situation. An indivdual places a bet with a professional bookie for a sizeable amount of money . . . say $6000. And he loses and he cannot cover his losses. Hypothtically, what could happen to this indivdual?
Kate: Well, hyptothtically he could have his legs broken, why do you ask?
ALF: Just making conversation
ALF: Keep an eye on #9
Willie: You mean the one who just fell?
Willie: He's not getting up
ALF: Well maybe he dropped something!
Dorothy: I think your neighbors are having a garage sale today too.
Kate: You're kidding
Dorothy: Yeah, they've gotta couple of beat up chairs and an old sofa out on their front lawn.
Kate: Oh yeah, that's the way it always looks.
ALF: Let's see, 50 bucks at 6 to 1 odds . . . that means I've won 3 million dollars, wow! YE - no, what? 300 dollars?
ALF: Hello, is this the fish?
Dorothy: Where did you get 50 bucks? Have you been going through my purse again?
ALF: Yes, but thats not where I got the money. By the way, you're out of tic-tacs.
Dorothy: It's my money
ALF: But its our inheritance!
Dorothy: For your information, I am planning to leave all my money to the alien task force!
ALF: Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?
Kate: An unsavory element
ALF: Like oregano?
Kate: Mom, since when do you bet on horses?
Dorothy: All my life.
Kate: That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack
ALF: I can picture her running!
Dorothy: I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.
ALF: About 2 hours.
Lynn: Dad, Mom wants me to sell Muffybear
Brian: And Scooter!
Willie: Now kids, we have to be strong about this. (Kate walks by with a hockey stick) No, not my hockey stick, Nooo!
ALF: (About Willie's ship in a bottle) Hey! Are you selling that?
Wille: Yes, unfortunetly
ALF: Shame, it would have been a great bottle if not for the ship inside.
Willie: It's a Nina!
ALF: Sorry, on Melmac we didnt name our bottles.
Willie: So you understand what a balloon payment is (ALF nods) and you understand what a garage sale is.
ALF: Yes, now would you please explain secular humanism again.
Willie: Look, we can't talk about this now, we've only got a week to get ready for the garage sale.
ALF: You're selling the garage?
Kate and Willie: No, no, no
ALF: Well, thats good, we're going to need someplace to store that balloon!
ALF: (Reading the credit card bills) Is this correct? $11,000 for a balloon payment?
Wille: That's correct
ALF: Well, you're getting ripped off, you can get an entire package of balloons for 69 cents.
Willie: I say Kate, you aren't selling my ship in a bottle, are you?
Politician: Excuse me Lady. Do you have any more of these $800 screwdrivers.
The title was derived from a Kenny Rogers song with the same name.
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