Alice, I Think

Season 1 Episode 7

Miss Smithers

Aired Sunday 7:00 PM Jul 23, 2006 on CTV

Episode Recap

In the kitchen, Diane is cooking; Mac comes in and hands something to Alice, and the two of them run to sit at the table, laughing. John comes in and sits down to the sound of a huge fart. Alice and Mac both look disgusted; Diane picks up the whoopee cushion off her own chair and looks at John; he simply says "excuse me".

[Opening credits]

At a local drug store, the reigning Miss Smithers is performing one last duty of her tenure by opening the incontinence section while a crowd stands around.

Alice's Video Diary: Alice tells the camera that every year, the whole town flips out about the Miss Smithers pageant, and then wonders where they find these girls. She then announces, "the day you see me enter the Miss Smithers is the day that Finn joins the Rod & Gun club."

In the living room, the family and Finn are playing a board game; he announces that he's joining the Rod & Gun club; Alice snickers into her hand. Finn explains that since he owns a used sporting goods store, it only makes sense for him to belong to the Rod & Gun club. Diane tells him he'll be joining animal serial killers; John suggests that it's not such a good idea since Finn is... Diane finishes the sentence with the word "klutz". They recall some of his finer moments of klutziness. Finn tells them that he's going to join, and that to improve his chances he's promised to find a contestant for the Miss Smithers pageant; he looks meaningfully at Alice. Diane immediately goes on the offensive, saying that no daughter of hers is going to enter a sexist beauty pageant. Alice agrees with Diane, until she hears that there's a $200 clothing allowance.

Alice's Video Diary: Alice is counting the money. She tells the camera that Diane says she's being hypocritical, but Alice thinks she's being open-minded by proving that substance can triumph over shallow pageantry. From downstairs, Diane calls her. John and Diane come up to Alice's room and tell her that if she needs the money so badly, they will give her the $200. Alice is surprised, but Diane assures her that they feel very strongly about it; she hits John, who then agrees. Alice tells them that their bribery won't work. Diane is angry, and tells her that if she insists on participating in this slap in the face to feminism, she's on her own, and won't get any support from the rest of the family. Diane goes downstairs, followed by John, who wishes Alice good luck before he goes. Alice turns back to the camera and says that if she hadn't already entered it, she'd enter now out of spite.

Downtown, Alice is heading to the thrift store, figuring that she needs to get four outfits with the $200. As she passes a store, she sees a pair of red leather pants on display; they cost $175 and she buys them. At the thrift store, she buys whatever she can with her remaining $25.

At the Rod & Gun Club, Finn is horrified by what Alice is wearing, and asks if she killed the old woman to get her clothes. He tells her that she looks like Margaret Thatcher; Alice insists that it's appropriate for a first meeting and that she's saving her best outfit for last. Finn takes her inside. Finn addresses the club, introducing Alice to them with assurances that she cleans up real good. Alice stands, not knowing what to say, then finally says that she's happy to be there, although she doesn't eat meat, adding that she won't judge them if they won't judge her. This gets a round of applause, which is more than Finn hoped for.

At the Beaver Lodge, the Pageant Head is telling the contestants what they can expect if they win -- a year of magical moments opening strip malls and lots of waving. The contestants introduce themselves, beginning with Miss 4-H, followed by Barb who is Miss Main Street, then Violet who is Miss 2x4, then Alice. She seems to be the best contestant, until Miss Snowmobile walks in; she's blonde, beautiful, and socially conscious.

At home, Alice is practising jazz dancing; Finn is not impressed. He tells her that he's worried, and so is the Rod & Gun Club; they've heard that Miss Snowmobile has something worked out for the talent portion of the competition -- ice sculpting. As they talk, Diane comes out of the bedroom wearing only her bra and panties. Alice is shocked; Diane tells her she is showing Alice how ridiculous she'll look on stage, but Alice points out that she's not going to be in her underwear. Mac is unfazed, and takes a cookie off the plate Diane is holding. As she leaves, John comes in with a garment bag. Finn wants to know what he has in the bag, and opens it to find a tuxedo. John admits that they've asked him to M.C. the pageant, and defends his choice by pointing out that Mac is doing the sound and lighting for the pageant.

At Bob's office, she tells Bob how stressful it is to be in the pageant as she drinks Pepto Bismol straight from the bottle. Bob tells her that she was brave to enter, but shouldn't buy into the culture's obsession with beauty. Alice takes this to mean that he thinks she's going to lose.

At home, John whispers to Alice to take his tux to the community centre, and he'll see her there later. Diane comes in and wishes Alice luck, even though she doesn't approve; John claims that that was what he was doing as well. Alice wants Diane to come, but Diane holds firm on her stand, and says she's disappointed that Alice hasn't come to her senses. John agrees, so Alice tells Diane that John is hosting the show; he immediately points out that Mac is doing the lights and sound, and Mac points out that he's doing it for school credit. Diane tells them to go to the flagrant display of women as meat. They leave and Diane shouts after Alice, "Don't slouch!"

At the Beaver Lodge, John takes the stage. He nervously introduces the contestants and makes bad jokes and inappropriate comments that do not impress the crowd.

Backstage, Alice practises her speech. Finn comes in, angry that she spent her budget on red leather pants, and tells her that she'll look like one of the boys down at the leather bar in them. He then tells her that the Rod & Gun Club wants to make some changes to her speech, as they feel it's too negative. He tells her that all the other girls are going to be spewing things about world peace and curing hunger and disease, and they want her to do the same.

During the speech portion, Miss 4-H suggests that she would seek to cure mad cow disease, so that they could deal with world hunger; Miss Snowmobile gives a moving speech that ends with her saying that they should all move towards a goal they all hold dear: world peace; Miss Main Street tells the crowd that her juvenile record doesn't count once she's 18, then adds that she's all for world peace; Alice comes out, her red leather pants squeaking, and speaks about how to improve Smithers. The crowd doesn't seem to take this well, so she starts throwing in everything she can think of, ending with helping the children and world peace. The crowd is stunned.

Outside, Finn asks Alice what that was; she tells him that the Club wanted her to change the speech, so it's their fault. She heads off; Finn asks where she's going, and she tells him she's going home as she's done making a fool of herself. He tells her that she can't quit, and that she's not the only one who feels like a fool sometimes. He tells her that this is his chance to fit in, and begs her to stay in the pageant; he begins crying. Alice tells him that he's the most popular guy in Smithers; he admits that he's not really crying, and that he just wants to hang out with burly men and shoot guns. Alice leaves.

At home, Alice lies on the couch. Diane asks if the pageant is over, then sees the leather pants, and is disgusted. Alice tells her that she made a fool of herself. Diane figures out that the pageant isn't over since Mac and John aren't home yet, and makes Alice go back; the only thing she hates more than beauty pageants is a quitter.

They arrive back for the talent portion of the pageant; Miss Main Street is just finishing her demonstration of how to gut a fish. Miss 4-H is about to give her demonstration of cow-milking. Miss Snowmobile does a ribbon dance, then Alice comes out to do her jazz dancing. The crowd applauds. At the end of the pageant, Miss Snowmobile is crowned the new Miss Smithers, while Alice takes the 3rd Runner Up title. She says that even though she didn't win, the Rod & Gun Club still accepted Finn as a member.

On the shooting range, Finn is firing a huge gun and having a ball. He high-fives Zeke; as their hands meet, they share a meaningful look.