Aliens in America

Franny: Everyone would just be so much better off without me! Gary: (gives her a tissue) Try to cry on the white part. Franny: Okay... Justin: (Voiceover) But then came the sweetest sound my mom had ever heard. (coming in crying) My life sucks... Franny: Oh honey! Come here baby. Justin: Make the pain go away, Mommy!

Justin: I can't believe it! You're jealous! Raja: That is crazy! Justin: No, you're jealous. You want Anita and you can't have her, so you don't want anyone else to have her! Raja: You are being ridiculous! You have clearly gone mad with lust! Justin: Said the jealous exchange student. Raja: You are...(in Pakistanian) sala haramzada kutha! Justin: (Voiceover) I once hear him say that to a telemarketer, so I knew it wasn't good.

(The doorbell rings and Claire gets it. It's Buck). Buck: Damn! Justin: (Voiceover) Buck found his new girlfriend. Claire: I'll be back later! Franny: I trust you!

Raja: (about a butterfly) She is so beautiful. Anita: More importantly, I bet she has a big heart! Raja: Actually, it's the size of a caraway seed.

Franny: Well, how are you set for business attire? Gary: Well, I've got my suit and my back-up suit. Franny: Well, maybe it's time to start dressing for success! Gary: Sounds good! (throws a beer bottle toward the trash and misses) Franny: I'll get that.

Anita: Roger, what was that all about yesterday? I don't get it, are you gay? Justin: No, he's not gay. He's just from a different culture. Anita: Is you name Roger? Justin: Um, no. Nobody's is. Raja: Anita, I am sorry if I offended you, but your behavior made me uncomfortable. Anita: You're doing it again! What are you trying to pull? Raja: Nothing. Anita, it simply saddens me to see you behave in the manner that you do. Anita: What are you talking about? Raja: It's as if the only value you have is your sexuality. Anita: Huh? Raja: And I think ou greatly underestimate what else you have to offer. Anita: Is everyone in your country as cruel as you?

Anita: You know, I've had my eye on you ever since you immigrated here. Raja: Oh, that is nice of you to say. Now if you will please excuse me, class is about to begin. Anita: Well, it's just, I've never been with such an exotic guy. Raja: Why are you behaving in such a suggestive manner? Are you honestly trying to create a romantic relationship with a complete stranger? (Anita leaves) Justin: What have you done?

Justin: (Voiceover) Anita was my first girlfriend. We used to play Sleeping Beauty together. We were going to get married one day and have 3 children: a boy, a girl, and a kitty. But then, in 1st grade, we decided to break up. It was mutual. By high school, Anita and my romance was a distant memory, but she did retain her joy of hurting me.

Franny: Whatcha doin? Justin: Look, I don't want you to freak out, but I'm going back to my old style, Mom. Franny: Oh, okay. No prob. (throws the clothes on the floor angerily) Justin: (Voiceover) She took that relatively well.

Anita: (to Justin) Nice butt, skinny jeans!

Justin: (Voiceover) I call my style, scholastic camouflage. Nothing I wear sticks out in any way, whatsoever.

Franny: I just found a cool tracker in Madison who told me that all the cool kids are wearing this right now in Orange County. Justin: No, see mom, cool hip kids can wear that, but if I wear a shirt that says "computers rock" people will just think that I think computers rock. Justin: (Voice-over) I knew this could only end badly but Project Justin gave my mom such a sense of purpose. Justin: Fine, I'll wear it. Franny: Yes! Raja: Oh, they *do* rock. Justin: (Voice-over) For some reason, Raja's endorsement didn't boost my confidence...

Justin: It's Anita. Claire: Dude, don't be embarrassed. You're not the one who kissed you. Justin: Do you think it meant anything to her at all? Claire: Oh yeah - she'll never forget you. Justin: Really? Claire: You're the biggest mistake she ever made - that lasts forever.

Raja: A 'Roman Helmet?' I am so glad to see that you are respecting Anita, Justin. Justin: It's not as bad as it sounds. Raja: Oh, so draping your genitals across somebody's forehead is not degrading? Dooley: Not when two people love each other!

Justin: I can't believe it, you're jealous. Raja: That is crazy.

Justin: No, no, no, she likes me likes me. Okay? Now the only thing I have to do is figure out how to get her alone. Raja: I cannot believe you, Justin Tolchuck. You are just like Buck and the other guys, all you want to do is bang in to her. Justin (narration) Funny thing is, up until a year ago I thought that was the expression. What? No, I'm nothing like those guys, okay? I'm just not as Muslim as you about dating.

Buck: What did your Mexican buddy do to my girlfriend, Tolchuck? Justin: Uhh I don't know, why don't you ask him? Buck: He doesn't speak English, duh. Raja: I am Pakistani, not Mexican.