Allo! Allo!
BBC (ended 1992)
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Season 9
- Ep 6A Winkle in Time12/14/92
The Allies are nearly ready to reach Nouvion. Yvette asks to see Rene in the back room, where they find the two British airmen, once again shot down. The next day, the Allies reach the cafe. Gruber and Von Strohm decide to use the uniforms of the two British airmen to try to mingle out with the Allies, but they are caught as Von Klinkerhoffen arrives at the cafe to conduct the official surrender. Flick and Von Smallhausen try to use a mini-submarine to reach the ocean, via a secret tunnel under the town. Instead, they crash through the wall of the cafe, into the arms of the Allies. The war ends, and Rene is pinned with a medal as a hero by the Allies. ''The scene outside fades to the near present. A fancy Mercedes pulls into the square, where an old chauffeur, Von Strohm, opens the door for the rich owners of the car--Helga and Gruber. They enter the cafe to find things amazingly similar. They are told by Rene's young adopted son that he is outside, where Yvette is helping him use the public facility. Everyone ends up meeting in the square, next to the statue of Rene built by Alphonse. Upstairs, an older Mimi attends to the bedridden Edith. Outside, Gruber tells Rene how he became an international art dealer after the war. Rene explains that he never found the painting, which he accidentally misplaced just prior to the invasion. Gruber accidentally strikes the arm of the statue and it breaks, and the rolled-up painting falls out of the concrete statue. Stunned by the sudden recovery of the long-lost art work, everyone enters the cafe to decide how to split up the painting, now worth millions. Rene and Yvette, now carrying the painting, instead sneak over to Gruber's car. Edith, now hobbling down into the square, sees them. ("Rene! What are you doing with that serving girl?!?" ... "You stupid woman....can't you see? I...am...eloping!") The final shot is of the car pulling away from the square, with everyone else in a slow walking chase.moreless - Ep 5A Fishy Sendoff12/7/92
Alphonse continues work on the statue of Rene. Von Klinkerhoffen takes Gruber and Von Strohm golfing, where they discuss the assassination plans. Meanwhile, Flick, Von Smallhousen and Helga listen in on the plans via a bugged golf club. Later, at the train station where the painting is to be delivered, Flick intercepts the picture frame, thinking it is the original painting of the "Fallen Madonna." The villagers arrive at the coast, but instead find the Allied troops invading the beach.moreless - Ep 4The Fishmonger Float11/30/92
Michelle tries to send important microfilm to England via a homing pigeon, but fails. Instead, new plans call for the group to sail to England with the film on a motorized float under the guise of the annual fishmonger's parade. Von Klinkerhoffen tells Gruber and Von Strohm of his plans to assassinate Hitler with an exploding picture frame. Flick and Von Smallhousen kidnap Mimi and Yvette, using their clothes and keys to enter the cafe to search for the painting.moreless - Ep 3René Artois Is Still Dead11/23/92
Rene has buckshot removed from his rear. Michelle plans to smuggle Rene to England, since he is still assumed by the Germans to be dead in the windmill explosion. Flick continues to pump information from Edith. After the plans to go to England are delayed, Rene instead decides to turn himself into the Germans, faking amnesia from the explosion.moreless - Ep 2Missing and Presumed Dead11/16/92
Rene finds himself living as a love slave to the Communist resistance. Gruber and Von Strohm try to collect the painting, but Edith is unsure of its whereabouts. The pair agree to pay for a statue of Rene, who is assumed killed in the windmill explosion. Flick reveals his new face and tries to swindle Edith out of the painting. Von Klinkerhoffen takes Gruber and Von Strohm hunting, where they shoot Rene, who is escaping from the resistance by disguising himself under a elkskin bedspread.moreless - Ep 1Fighting With Windmills11/9/92
Gruber and Von Strohm return from their failed escape attempt. Rene agrees to hide the painting, still missing a boobie, and suggests the Germans fake their own kidnapping by hiding in the windmill. Rene must later rescue them, though, as Von Klinkerhoffen decides to use the windmill for target practice. Rene rescues the pair, but is left alone only to be taken hostage himself by the girls of the Communist resistance. Meanwhile, a heavily-bandaged Flick tells Helga he has had plastic surgery to avoid capture by the Allies.moreless
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Season 8
- Ep 7Swan Song3/1/92
Edith and Rene are rescued by British troops prior to their execution, and are released in the woods when their true identities are revealed. Edith's mother and Leclerc, assuming Rene and Edith to be dead, make off with the cafe's money and flee to Paris. Upon finding out that the photo of Gruber holding the painting has indeed been passed on to Von Klinkerhoffen, the two German officers decide to make their escape to Spain with the traveling flamenco dancers. Before they depart, though, they meet with Flick at the cafe to swap the painting for the 10 million francs. Both sides trick each other, though, as Flick has substituted scrap paper for the money, and the fleeing officers had only given Flick the disembodied "boobie." Finally, Yvette and Rene find out the pregnancy results were an error.moreless - Ep 6A Fistful of Francs2/9/92
After escaping from the cafe disguised as a woman, Von Strohm later agrees to pay the photo ransom to the resistance by stuffing the 10 million francs into a large dogfish, to be released into the river and retrieved by the resistance. However, Alphonse instead catches the fish while on a picnic with Edith. Realizing a profit is to be made on the large fish, he sells it to the local fishmonger, who in turns sells it to Von Smallhausen, who prepares it for a dinner for Flick and Helga. While eating the fish, the loot is finally discovered by Flick, who immediately offers a trade of the money to Von Strohm for the painting. Meanwhile, on orders from Von Klinkerhoffen, Rene and Edith are used as decoys for Hitler and Goering as the Germans plan to ambush any resistance group planning on attacking the two "Germans" as they leave town. Before they can complete the ruse, though, Rene and Edith are captured by Allied-sympathetic German troops and are lined up for execution.moreless - Ep 5Firing Squashed2/2/92
Michelle discovers that the Communist Resistance are holding Hitler and Goering (in fact, Gruber and Von Strohm) and plans to meet with the opposition to discuss radio broadcast options. However, when the two factions meet, a fight breaks out between the women over Rene (of course). While the fight is taking place, Crabtree, Yvette and Alphonse attempt their own kidnapping of "Hitler" and "Goering" from the other side of the barn. They fail when an attempt to use a charging bull goes out of control. Gruber and Von Strohm escape in the confusion and head to the cafe. Meanwhile, Flick and Von Smallhausen face a close call at a firing squad for their alleged part in the pay truck robbery.moreless - Ep 4Awful Wedded Wife1/26/92
Von Strohm decides to make a downpayment on the ransom owed to the Resistance. Crabtree tells Rene that Michelle has informed him the battery used for the mobile radio station isn't strong enough, and lead is needed to improve the power. Yvette, Crabtree, Mimi and Alphonse sneak into the church to remove some lead from the roof. While serving as lookouts for the rest of the group, Rene and Edith are mistaken for another "couple." Meanwhile, Von Strohm and Gruber are again disguised as Hitler and Goering as Von Klinkerhoffen orders them to be seen driving out of his jurisdiction. However, they are captured by Louise and the Communist Resistance!moreless - Ep 3Hitler's Last Heil1/19/92
Yvette arranges a secret meeting for her and Rene with a local priest to discuss a possible marriage. Von Klinkerhoffen revives his plan to assassinate Hitler and Goering, who are visiting for lunch. In fact, though, the two senior Germans turn out to be impostors sent as decoys. Meanwhile, Helga plans to sneak dynamite into the prison where Flick and Von Smallhausen are held. The dynamite, disguised as knockwurst sausages (what else?), instead finds its way to the luncheon for the German officers, and the two impostors are killed in the explosion. Von Klinkerhoffen orders Von Strohm and Gruber to disguise themselves as Hitler and Goering so that they may be seen driving through Nouvion alive and well. Back at the cafe, Mimi plans her own assassination attempt of the Germans, which naturally goes awrymoreless - Ep 2A Woman Never Lies1/12/92
When Michelle realizes the importance of the photo of Gruber holding the painting, she decides to blackmail the Germans for 10 million francs. Having no choice but to resort to robbery, Von Strohm, Gruber and Helga--disguised as resistance girls--plan to hold-up the incoming German pay truck. Flick and Von Smallhausen learn of the plans after drugging Helga with a truth serum, and attempt to intercept the pay truck themselves, also by disguising as resistance girls. Flick and Von Smallhausen arrive after the robbery occurs but are arrested by Von Klinkerhoffen as the guilty party to the crime. Back at the cafe, Rene and company record their first propaganda broadcast.moreless - Ep 1Arousing Suspicions1/5/92
Michelle informs Rene of her plan to create a traveling propaganda radio station, broadcasting messages on prerecorded wax cylinders. However, a parachute drop by the British fails to hit its target when the British are hit by a missile fired by Gruber, instead dropping the cylinders into the chimney of the German-controlled chateaux. Conveniently, Rene and the others take the place of a traveling Spanish flamenco dance troupe scheduled to perform at the chateaux in order to retrieve the tubes. Unknown to Rene, though, Gruber had arranged to deliver a photo and sample of the painting to an art dealer/contact within the dance troupe. Instead, the photo and samples are given to Monsieur Alphonse. ''Also, Crabtree sings again!moreless - A Bun in the Oven12/24/91
Rene tells us it is now Sept. 13, 1943, and two years have passed since our last meeting. He tells us that the two British airmen have finally escaped back to England, and Capt. Bertorelli has departed, following the Italian withdrawal. Also, the war is going badly for the Germans. For once, all is calm in Rene's world.
Yvette disturbs Rene's newly-found peace with the claim that she is pregnant with his child, a "secret" that is known almost instantly by the town, the Germans and even the fighters in England. Still, the true identity of the father remains unknown. Von Strohm, Gruber and Helga concoct a plan for Helga to steal the painting of the Fallen Madonna from Herr Flick. Before turning the painting over to Von Strohm and Gruber (who wish to sell it off and escape to Spain), Helga removes one of the painting's "boobies" to insure her part in the eventual pay-off. Von Klinkerhoffen drops his first hint about his desire to assassinate Hitler, but Von Strohm and Gruber fail to pick up on the idea.moreless
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Season 7
- Ep 10The Gypsy Carnival3/16/91
Abandoning Alphonse's truck idea, Michelle discovers an old charter which states that a gypsy fair is always held on the solstice. One of the gypsy tents could be placed over the grate, and they could finally get the airmen out. Flick has Elsa place the forgery in Von Strohm's office. Rene and Edith visit the gypsies, who read their palms. The gypsy leader claims that Edith was really Romanna, the Gypsy Princess. However, he quickly changes his mind when he hears her sing. The General discovers the painting and has Von Strohm, Gruber, Bertorelli and Bigstern arrested. The gypsies cancel because of a bad omen, so the cafe staff must take their places. Von Klinkerhoffen discovers the painting is another forgery, and releases his officers just in time for the start of the carnival. Rene is a fortune-teller in the tent covering the grate. The Airmen are given a chisel to try and break the hinges from the inside. Unfortunately, Gruber comes to communicate with Rene's dead twin brother. As the seance commences, the Airmen break out and push up the rug covering the grate, frightening Gruber who runs away. The airmen are followed by THREE MORE airmen who have been lost in the sewer for weeks. However, they take one look at Edith and head straight down into the sewer again while our airmen stay up top.moreless - Ep 9The Ice Cream Truck3/2/91
Rene is forced to stuff mustard and sausages down his trousers to slide down to the airmen in the sewer, while a soup tank is being fitted to the bottom of Fanny's chair. Unfortunately, Fanny has gone to visit her sister, so Edith has to impersonate her. Alphonse tries to pry open the hinges on the sewer grate but they are too rusty, so he concocts a scheme worthy of Michelle. Rene will use his old ice cream truck to cover up the grate while Alphonse bangs at the hinges with his chisel. Meanwhile, Von Smallhausen makes a copy of the Fallen Madonna, while Flick tries to woo Helga once more. However, she has gone on a training course and is replaced by Private Elsa Bigstern, who takes to a surprised Flick immediately. The ice cream van is rolled in, and Von Klinkerhoffen protests its presence. But the heat gets to all of them and he decides to purchase some ice cream. However, as Yvette pumps it, the winch that is pulling up the grate blows out the pump on the ice cream maker, which starts spurting out vanilla all over the General.moreless - Ep 8Stuck!2/23/91
The first edition of the paper comes out, with Edith's face gracing the cover alongside the general. Michelle discovers the painting she has is a forgery and develops a plan to get both the original and the Airmen out. Von Klinkerhoffen decides that for the second edition, a mixed marriage between a German and Frenchman should take place. Bertorelli is chosen, and his bride to be is Edith, who is still single. The General arranges for a party to be held for the new couple at the chateau, inviting all the local dignitaries. Flick and Von Smallhausen sneak into the chateau via the moat while Mimi uses the dumbwaiter to let Michelle and her troops in to get the airmen out through the underground river. Fanny is able to break up the cafe by claiming Edith does not own it, and the Gestapo set off a fake fire alarm to cover their theft of the painting. To top it all off, the Airmen become stuck in the sewer in the center of town.moreless - Ep 7A Barrel Full of Airmen2/16/91
Rene is going to make a run for the Spanish border disguised as an onion seller. Just as he is leaving, Von Strohm, Gruber, and Bertorelli show up and try to get an explanation about the theft. Rene hands over the painting, which in turn is unfortunately handed over to the General. Receiving this news, Flick decides he must make up with Helga to get back the painting. Von Klinkerhoffen decides to have his picture taken at the cafe for the propaganda paper. Michelle places the wine barrels, designed to transport the airmen, in Rene's cellar. Helga ignores Flick's advances and starts dating Bertorelli to make him jealous. Flick in turn tries to chat up the waitresses at the cafe, and Von Klinkerhoffen has him thrown out. The General then asks to see the wine cellar and ends up taking the barrels (with the airmen in them) back to his chateau.moreless - Ep 6The Spirit of Nouvion2/9/91
The telephone pole plan having been discovered, the Resistance now try to get the Airmen out in wine barrels. Unfortunately, the Resistance is running out of funds, and Mimi makes a slip about the Fallen Madonna, so Michelle decides to steal the painting from Herr Flick and sell it to fund the Resistance. Meanwhile, Flick is forced to break up with Helga (Himmler told him so). Back at the newspaper, a "Spirit of Nouvion" contest is being held, as Edith, Yvette, and Mimi simultaneously show up to be photographed. That night, our heroes tunnel into Flick's office and break into the underside of the safe. At the same time, Von Strohm, Gruber, and Bertorelli break in through the front door. Rene is accidentally doused in flour before he enters the safe, and when the door is opened, Gruber again believes he is seeing Rene's dead twin brother's ghost. The Germans make a hasty exit and Rene gets the painting. He plans to switch it with a forgery, and is blackmailed by Edith, who forces him to select her as the "Spirit of Nouvion".moreless - Ep 5Lines of Communication2/2/91
Michelle and Crabtree manage to get the Airmen back (they are currently hiding with pigs) by disguising them as sacks of potatoes. Michelle also hatches another plan to send them home by cutting down telephone poles to make a raft. Helga helps Flick and Von Smallhausen narrowly escape from the monastery. Meanwhile, Von Klinkerhoffen, upset by the amount of Resistance propaganda in the town, decides to restart the old newspaper and has Rene and Alphonse appointed to run it. Flick is out of petty cash and tries to call Berlin for more, thereby discovering the phone line plot. Alphonse suggests the Germans have their picture taken with Ernest and Fanny, to make them appear more humane (but which pair needs that help more?). Michelle also favors the paper, which she will secretly use to spread more Resistance propaganda. The picture with the couple fails (due to a newlywed tiff), and so a picnic is staged. Unfortunately, it is disrupted by Flick and Von Smallhausen falling in on a telephone pole (sawed halfway through by the Resistance) while trying to call Berlin.moreless - Ep 4Hello Hans!1/26/91
Rene and an airsick Edith land in England where British Intelligence tries to find out why they aren't the Airmen. An officer from Deep Intelligence is brought in, and he turns out to be none other than Hans Geering. In the intervening time, Hans has become a British citizen with his knowledge of the Nazi army (and a little bit of brainwashing). At #10 Downing Street, Churchill desires to meet Rene and Edith, who he awards medals and citations (after a few drinks and a nap). However, Edith decides to return home after discovering that Fanny and Leclerc are ruining the bar. They are flown over Nouvion, and as Rene hugs Edith goodbye, the bomb door opens and the two of them are dropped out of the plane. Arriving back at the cafe just before they are to be arrested for being out past curfew, Rene learns that he did not qualify for the collaboration medal after allmoreless - Ep 3Eloping to England1/19/91
Rene is to be given a collaboration medal for his help with the removal of Von Flockenstuffen. Unfortunately, this causes the Communist resistance to place a price on his head. He decides once again to elope with Yvette. Michelle orders Rene to take the Airmen to the monastery to be picked up by a lightweight plane. Flick also learns of this news, and he and Von Smallhausen have themselves initiated into the brotherhood to gather information and capture the Airmen. Unfortunately, because of the dark and the fact that everyone is dressed in monks habits with hoods, Rene ends up grabbing Edith's hand instead of Yvette's, as the two are rushed aboard the plane bound for England.moreless - Ep 2Free At Last!1/12/91
Monsieur Alphonse, who made the Murphy bed, arrives to pry the couple out while Mimi tries to feed them soup through a hole using a bellows. Meanwhile, Von Flockenstuffen reveals his plans to kidnap Churchill, pulling rank on the recovering Von Klinkerhoffen. Von Strohm, Gruber, and Bertorelli have even greater doubts about the plan when the general puts them in charge of the suicide squad in the kidnapping. Flick has Von Smallhausen sprung from prison and the pair arrive just as the dynamite (borrowed from the resistance and disguised as candles) goes off in their faces and frees the newlyweds. That night, as Von Flockenstuffen is being entertained in the cafe, Helga and Bertorelli spring Von Klinkerhoffen. Von Flockenstuffen demands to visit the cellar, taking with him one of the dynamite candles. Von Klinkerhoffen arrives to relieve him just as the candle goes off.moreless - Ep 1Von Flockenstuffen In Command1/5/91
Leclerc and Fanny are brought down in the town square after the helium runs out, where they are then arrested and sent to prison. Since Von Klinkerhoffen's nervous breakdown, General Von Flockenstuffen has taken command, much to the chagrin of Von Strohm, Gruber, Bertorelli, and Helga. Edith manages to forge her own papers to release Fanny and Leclerc just as Von Smallhausen has himself arrested to interrogate the couple about the British airmen. Ultimately, the forged papers are discovered, and the newlyweds hide back at the cafe. Unfortunately, their spring-loaded Murphy bed has now pinned them behind the wall...moreless
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Season 6
- Ep 8The Flying Bed10/21/89
General Von Klinkerhoffen threatens to blow up Nouvion unless the British Airmen are surrendered. Michelle plans their escape, involving a barrage balloon, a wedding marquee & Algerian veg marrows. - Ep 7Fanny's Wedding10/14/89
The wedding of Madame Fanny to Monsieur Leclerc is brought forward to coincide with the execution of Michelle's most audacious escape plan to date. - Ep 6The Fence10/7/89
Rene finds a hacksaw blade, but it breaks. Alphonse arrives with a chisel, but this too breaks, so the group leg it to the police station to have Crabtree free them. Meanwhile, Herr Flick is beginning to feel his career is in danger, so he decides to get his hands on the Fallen Madonna to sell so he can abscond with the money. Unfortunately, because the airmen have escaped, the German officers also have this plan in mind, so they ask Rene about finding them a fence. Flick stops by the cafe and demands the painting be brought to his headquarters tonight. The secret meeting about the painting is held, with Alphonse acting as the fence, and everyone else keeping paper bags on their heads. Fortunately, the painting is traded for the gold cuckoo clock weight.
Out in the cafe, Crabtree has been re-united with a lost love from the academy, who also speaks bad French and is now working for the Resistance. (It is claimed that the reason no one can understand Crabtree is that he is speaking posh French and the people in the village have an accent) Rene has a forgery sent to Flick, while the Germans change their mind about the trade and ask for hard currency. Rene decides to use some of the forged money Leclerc has been hiding in his mattress to trade for the gold. The exchange will be made at the church confessional booth. Unfortunately, Edith comes to confessional and enters Rene's booth. After her confessional, the real priest shows up and ends up getting the gold from the Germans.moreless - Ep 5Intelligence Officers9/30/89
Only one thing keeps Rene from legging it to Spain after last night: there is not enough money in the till. Gruber pays another visit and says that fortunately the Intelligence officers will be arriving by car instead, while the General is off visiting Big Bertha (the gun, not his bit of stuff). Colonel Von Strohm interrogates Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen, but cannot give them their punishment, since Himmler calls and wants them released (all thanks to Helga). Michelle wants to hijack the car with the Intelligence officers and then use their uniforms to infiltrate the chateau and get the airmen out. Fanny, Leclerc, and the wheelchair stop the car and the Resistance jumps out with guns pointing. Rene and Edith are (reluctantly) chosen to be the faux officers, and are able to infiltrate the chateau. Unfortunately, the airmen end up handcuffed to the wrists of Rene, Edith, and Mimi, and the keys are in Berlin. Added to that, the car needs to be push started, whereupon the brakes jam, as Leclerc madly drives down the road and our moptley crew is stranded in the middle of nowhere.moreless - Ep 4Rescuing the Airmen9/23/89
The soggy Germans and the airmen end up on the same bank together, where the British airmen are promptly captured. Unfortunately, Bertorelli is the only one with enough English to communicate with them (he's seen plenty of Humphrey Bogart pictures), so he uses the translation dictionary, which has mixed results. Rene and Edith are brought in, but fortunately the airmen deny having known them. Helga is ordered to break off her engagement with Flick, while we learn that the airmen are to be put on a train for Berlin by Nazi Intelligence in the morning. Rene tries to communicate with London, but mice have eaten the code book.
Gruber then stops by to secretly inform Rene about the airmen and gives him the keys to both the chateau and the cell. Michelle devises a plan to fool the guards by dressing as undertakers and carrying out the airmen in coffins (as they pretend to be dead, as in episode 2.6). Meanwhile, Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as Capt. Heisengerkin and Field Marshall Von Crackenfart to also capture the airmen. Unfortunately, the coffin plan has a few setbacks: Alphonse and Leclerc get into a sword duel while Crabtree drops one of the coffins down the stairs. Von Klinkerhoffen hears the noises, but fortunately Gruber is able to just barely cover for our heroes, who make a hasty exit (aborting the rescue plan) while the Gestapo men are arrested for impersonating army officers.moreless - Ep 3The Goose and the Submarine9/16/89
As Crabtree struggles to remove the huge false ears glued to his head from the previous night's disguise, Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are arrested by the Germans while disguised as British Airmen, and try to explain what happened the previous evening (which Von Klinkerhoffen finds amusing). The General also does not believe a message a listening post has picked up (something about Jack and Jill in a bucket). He forces Helga (newly promoted to Lance Corporal) to keep tabs on Flick by marrying him, while the airmen finally make their way down the canal to the rendezvous. Helga spends all afternoon seducing Flick (who is actually quite shy). Michelle informs our heroes that they know they will be at the rendezvous when they see a goose with flashing eyes and smoke coming out of its tail. The Cafe staff rows to the estuary while the airmen once again get lost. The goose has a phone on it over which the submarine commander says they can't wait for the airmen any longer. Meanwhile, the Germans have to halt their search for the airmen when the periscope of the sub comes up right through their boat and sinks it.moreless - Ep 2It's Raining Italians9/9/89
To help alleviate the pain from the previous night's aerial excursion, many people try to massage Rene's back, but to no avail. Gruber confesses to Rene that he saw his twin's ghost, who forgave him for shooting him dead. He also warns Rene about the Gestapo plan and when it will take place. Michelle arrives and berates Rene for breaking the radio, which now has to be set up in Fanny's room. To top it all off, the airmen have still been sitting in the canal all this time.
Meanwhile, Von Klinkerhoffen decides that the regular army should be first with the "disguised as airmen" plan, so he recruits some of Bertorelli's men to be dropped out of a plane and then drop "anise balls" to give the tracking dogs something to follow. Michelle disguises Crabtree as a Resistance girl, and he captures Flick and Von Smallhausen, while Bertorelli's men (who have to be dropped out of the cargo bay since they're all scared of heights) get lost. Bloodhounds could not be acquired, so the Germans have to make do with poodles borrowed from the street walkers. The Gestapo are led to the hiding place, where they encounter the cafe staff disguised as monsters (the makeup artist used to work for Boris Karloff) as the Gestapo make a hasty exit.moreless - Ep 1Rene's Ghost9/2/89
Rene is preparing to pay his respects to his dead twin brother, but Michelle warns him not to go to the grave. The Resistance are building a communication center there, which will overcome the German jamming. Meanwhile, there is a new plan for the Airmen to wade down the canal with an upturned tin bath over their heads. Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as airmen and learn just enough English ("fa,fa,fa,fa,fa,fa") to be rescued by the Resistance. Colonel Von Strohm tries to tip Rene off about the Gestapo plans, but to no avail. Fanny announces that newly-freed Ernest and she are getting married.
Meanwhile, Von Klinkerhoffen has become aware of the unusual activities in the churchyard, and has Gruber interrogate Alphonse. The center is made ready that night, so Rene and Edith head for the cemetery. Unfortunately, Gruber and Helga decide to also visit the grave, since Gruber keeps seeing Rene's ghost saying "J' accuse" (or is it Jack Hughes?). Unfortunately, Elaine, the radio operator, has not shown up, so Alphonse gamely tries to work the mechanism. Rene gets caught on the aerial and rises above the gravesite, frightening Helga and Gruber, though Gruber asks for forgiveness and Rene complies...moreless
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Season 5
- Ep 26Enigma's End2/25/89
A series finale involving British Intelligence disguised as Policemen! - Ep 25The Big Flush2/18/89
Ren fears what General von Klinkeroffen will do if he finds out that he has stolen the gold bars, and decides to escape to Geneva with Yvette. Ren camouflages the gold as the weight of his cuckoo clock and packs it with him. Yvette enters and wonders where he has hidden the gold, and starts fondling Ren to see if he has it on his person. As usual, they are surprised by Edith who wonders what's going on. "You STUPID woman!" Ren shouts; lying that Yvette was only searching for the key to the wine cellar. All of a sudden, von Strohm, Gruber and von Klinkerhoffen show up at the caf. Klinkerhoffen says that the secret enigma coding machine has been stolen, and whoever has it will be able to encode all the messages of the German army. He demands a search of the caf and says that anyone who tries to leave Nouvion will be shot - much to Ren's chagrin. Michelle pops up at the caf - disguised as a pregnant peasant girl. She takes Ren to the back room and pulls out the enigma decoding machine from her coat. She instructs Ren to hide the machine in a wine barrel and drop it into the sewer. A British submarine is waiting to pick it up, so at a pre-arranged time, all the villagers of Nouvion will flush their toilets so that the enigma machine will reach the canal where the submarine is waiting. While the Germans are distracted, Ren, Edith, Yvette, Mimi and Monsieur Alphonse place the wine barrel with the machine into the sewer. Unofrtunately, this plan goes down the drain too: Crabtree later arrives to inform Ren that the British air force have dropped bombs on the water works and hit the water pumps. No it won't work to flush away the enigma machine. Edith comes up with a new plan: to fill up the sewer with the caf's wine. The plan works and the enigma machine is finally flushed away. The gang heads back to the caf and celebrate their success. That is until Ren discovers that Leclerc has put the wrong case in the barrel: they have flushed the suitcase Ren was packing earlier, while the enigma machine is still at the caf.moreless - Ep 24Renewing the Vows2/11/89
Edith forces Rene to marry her again by saying she will marry Monsieur Alphonse. Rene wants to make sure he owns the bar (and everything in it, he notes, looking pointedly at the cuckoo clock), so he agrees to marry her, but is not surprised to discover the deputy mayor who will officiate is... Monsieur Alphonse. Michelle reports that Operation Waterloo will commence soon to get the airmen out via midget submarine. General von Klinkerhoffen is out searching for his gold, and he suspects the Colonel. Herr Flick, meanwhile, suspects Rene - so he recruits Helga to seduce Rene and find out where the missing gold is. Rene returns the paintings to the Colonel and Gruber, this time hidden inside spaghetti packets. Rene goes out on his "stag night" (bachelor party), then wakes to his wedding, only to find that Alphonse just can't seem to bring himself to say "man and wife". Luckily, Bertorelli pops in just then with his own surprise: Christmas puddings flambe.moreless - Ep 23Enigma2/4/89
Although General von Klinkerhoffen recovered his gold from the exploded tank, he did not recover the four bars Rene had stolen earlier - and the Germans are out searching for them. Rene takes the opportunity to hide the gold by melting it down and forming it into a new weight for the cuckoo clock. Yvette and Edith try to wheedle the hiding place of the gold out of Rene, but he is firm. Especially for Yvette. ''The Germans enlist Rene to help them recover the statue in which they had hidden the cuckoo clock and the paintings, promising not inverstigate the whereabouts of the gold too closely if Rene helps recover the contents of the statue. To do so, they arrange for the Excelsior Quartet, a group of musicians scheduled to play at the chateau, to be detained while Rene and the cafe staff replace them and use the opportunity to retrieve the statue's contents.
Von Smallhausen attempts to move up a grade in the Gestapo, since he is only a provisional member, but when he is tested by Herr Flick, he fails the physical. Herr Flick suspects that something is up at the dinner party at the chateau, so he and Von Smallhausen go undercover as serving maids. Meanwhile, British intelligence reports that the Germans' new coding machine, Enigma, must be stolen. Michelle plans for Mimi to hide in the case of the double bass at the performance, then sneak out and get the Enigma machine. Meanwhile, Yvette and Alphonse hide in the piano to get the paintings and clock from the statue.
As Mimi, trapped inside the case of the bass, grabs the Enigma - and Yvette and Alphonse move the piano near the statue to grab the paintings, Crabtree sings! ''moreless - Ep 22The Geneva Express1/28/89
Ren desperately tries to avoid Edith but instead encounters Mimi. Ren lies - telling her he loves her but can't be together when Edith is also on the train - and convinces her to jump off. Helga drugs some coffee for the Swedish art expert so she can substitute the paintings with forgeries but she runs off when the stewards return to the kitchen. However, it's only Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen disguised as stewards but Von Smallhausen drinks the drugged coffee and passes out. Helga and Von Strohm switch the paintings. Flick steals the forgeries (thinking they are real) and switches them with yet another set of fake paintings. Yvette pops up on the train as she has learned Leclerc switched her letter with Edith's. Leclerc himself also shows up to warn Ren that Michelle is going to drop two of the exploding Christmas puddings onto the train. But he's too late as the train gets blown up only seconds later. Luckily, everyone survives and straggle back to Caf Ren. There, Edith catches Yvette in Ren's arms AGAIN. Tonight's excuse is that Yvette is upset that Edith and Ren didn't succeed in eloping. Ren is worried when he remembers that he still has the gold. If Von Klinkerhoffen finds out, many peasants will be shot. However, Crabtree reports he has gummed up the lock on Von Klinkerhoffen's safe to stop him from getting the gold. Safely back home, Von Strohm hides the paintings in a statue at his office. But suddenly, Von Klinkerhoffen drops by and asks Gruber to use his little tank to take the safe to his chateau. Von Klinkerhoffen also takes a liking to the statue where Von Strohm has hidden the paintings and takes it with him. Meanwhile, at the police station, Ren and Edith try to blow up the safe with a Christmas pudding. When Gruber arrives, it's to late to put out the fuse so they let him put it into his little tank. However, Bertorelli insists on trying the tank which of course blows up with him inside.moreless - Ep 21All Aboard1/21/89
Michelle summons Ren and the others into the backroom and reports that the British have a new plan to get the two airmen home: send a midget two-man submarine up the canal at midnight - the airmen must sit astride it wearing diving helmets. This hopeless plan finally pushes Ren over the edge - he can take no more of Michelle's plots. Secretly, he and Yvette plan to take the paintings and run off to Switzerland. However, Helga arrives at the caf and forces Ren to take the paintings (still hidden inside knockwursts) to Von Strohm. Von Strohm explains that General Von Klinkerhoffen has told him Hitler wants the paintings right away and has got an art expert to verify the authenticity. Hitler has also ordered that the peasant who was hiding the paintings be shot but Von Strohm gives Ren a quick headstart to escape. Helga tells Herr Flick about the paintings and he finds out that Hitler could not have given these orders. Von Klinkerhoffen's Swedish art expert, Yoop Hoop de Hoop, verifies the paintings as real and the General has him sell the paintings in exchange for several goldbars. Since Von Klinkerhoffen's safe has been blown up, he hides stores the goldbars at the police station but Ren manages to sneak in and steal it. Ren leaves a letter for Yvette, telling her to meet him at the 11:15 Geneva Express. He also leaves a goodbye note for Edith but Leclerc mixes them up so Edith happily heads to the Geneva Express. Mimi later finds the same letter and also heads to the Express. Only Yvette is left devastated. Helga, Gruber and Von Strohm discover that Yoop Hoop de Hoop is using the 11:15 Express to take the paintings to Berlin and they sneak after to retrieve the paintings. As if that wasn't enough, Von Smallhausen and Herr Flick also end up on the Express as they are suspicious of Von klinkerhoffen. Meanwhile, Ren to his horror finds Edith in his sleeping compartment.moreless - Ep 20Mines Away!1/14/89
At night, Ren is storing all the Christmas puddings when Yvette comes for a moment of passion. Accidentally she light one of the puddings but disaster is avoided just in time. Helga and Herr Flick finally manage to free Von Smallhausen from the church bell. Flick believes he saw the land mines in the Builder's Yard next to Caf Ren when he was up in the bell rope. Helga rushes to tell Von Strohm. Michelle informs the land mines will be transported this evening and she is planning to drop two exploding puddings down the funnel of the 12:30 Express. Flick and Von Smallhausen find the mines and hide inside them in hope of catching Resistance members. Von Strohm and the other Germans have the land mines taken back to the German air force base. Michelle comes up with a new plan to get the airmen into the mines again by sneaking them into the air force base inside wine barrels. Ren, Leclerc and Crabtree have to carry out this mission which they have to give up because they can't get into the mines in time. But Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen, who're still inside the mines, are shipped out and dropped over England.moreless - Ep 19Christmas Puddings1/7/89
The Germans are after Michelle so she dresses up like a man and hides at Caf Ren. She reports that the explosive the Resistance removed from the land mines has been in storage in a pudding factory. But since the pudding factory will soon be commandeered by the Germans, the Resistance plan to move the explosives, all 1000 kilos, to the caf - disguised as 500 Christmas Puddings. Ren is far from happy about this plan. General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives to inform Colonel Von Strohm and the others that has heard of the stolen land mines and he demands them retrieved right away. Herr Flick has received information that there is a lot of Resistance activity and secret meetings at the larder in Ren's caf. Flick decides to stake out the larder, observing it from a church bell tower. To Ren's distress, explosive Christmas puddings arrive as a delivery in Alphonse's hearse but Fanny panics when she thinks the hearse is meant for her. Meanwhile, more puddings arrive in various ways: in Crabtree's cape, Resistance girls pretending to be pregnant and of course Leclerc in an "unrecognizable" disguise as a pudding seller. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen dress up like monks to get into the church. The British airmen keep practicing their escape routine and are now able to unscrew their nuts in only 12 seconds. That still leaves little time to jump out of the land mines, though. At the church, Herr Flick tries to get a better view by climbing up the bell rope but unfortunately the large bell falls down, trapping Von Smallhausen inside.moreless - Ep 18Leclerc Against the Wall12/31/88
Edith begs Ren to marry her again, but he convinces her Denise is still a looming threat. Herr Flick interrogates Leclerc, who maintains his innocence. Flick doesn't believe him, though, and announces that unless the money is returned, Leclerc will be executed by a firing squad. Von Strohm learns the two land mines (for the airmen's escape) has been stolen and gets nervous. He orders Gruber to talk to Ren and see if he knows anything about the land mines. At the Caf, Fanny for once gets out of bed to cook herself a big potato. Unfortunately, she has cooked the potato with the spy camera to photograph the German invasion plans with. Also, the forged money in the oven has been burned up so it's now impossible to return the money to Herr Flick in order to stop Leclerc's execution. Gruber flirts with Ren and says he can help get Leclerc free if the land mines are returned. Michelle and the airmen practice the escape plan, timing the unscrewing of the nuts from inside the land mines. Michelle refuses to return the land mines but contacts British intelligence to get replacement forgeries. However, the airdrop with the replacement forgeries is overdue and time is running out for Leclerc. Luckily, they arrive just in time.moreless - Ep 17Feathers12/24/88
Having escaped from the hospital, Ren is left making his way back to the cafe in a hospital gown, which opens up the back. Gruber unexpectedly arrives and - amused by the backless hospital gown - informs him Alphonse has been killed by the exploding bedpan. Yvette is happy Ren is back but as usual Edith catches them in each others arms. The excuse this time is that Yvette is faint from the anaesthetic on the operating gown. Helga is surprised to learn from Herr Flick that the stolen Gestapo money were fake. Meanwhile, Herr Flick figures Alphonse had the money so he sends Von Smallhausen off to Alphonse's mortuary (posing as a corpse). Helga tells Von Strohm that the money are fake so they put them into Bertorelli's pants for him to return to Ren. However, Von Strohm double-crosses Bertorelli and anonymously calls Herr Flick and says the money are in the pants of a man with feathers in his hat. Michelle has come up with a new "ingenious" escape plan for the airmen: put them inside giant land mines (emptied of explosive), drop them over England and have the airmen "unscrew their nuts" to leap out in midair and land safely with parachutes. No one are particularly impressed by this plan. Denise, Louise and the rest of the Communists vote to leave for a safehouse in Abbville. Louise promises Ren to kill Denise, take control of the Communists and return for him. Bertorelli makes it to the Caf and with the money, which gets hidden in the oven. Leclerc brings the parachutes for the escape plan while wearing another "brilliant" disguise as a pillow-stuffer. Unfortunately, he has feathers in his hat and he gets arrested by Herr Flick, who of course thinks he's got the money.moreless - Ep 16The Exploding Bedpan12/17/88
After launching the Long-Distance Duck, Edith is now in charge of feeding the hatchlings. Meanwhile, Yvette, Mimi, Denise and Louise all pledge their undying love to Ren. Yvette has gotten hold of disguises for the hiding Communists, but Denise rejects the ragged serving girl outfits, insisting that Edith must die, and Ren should get them waitress outfits. Monsieur Alphonse is being interrogated by the Gestapo after being arrested for passing forged notes. Von Strohm and Gruber fear that he may reveal the whereabouts and plots of the paintings, so they come up with a plan to kill him by having Ren feed him a pastry with a suicide pill. Of course the plan backfires and instead Fanny nearly eats the pill. Meanwhile, Helga tells to Alphonse where she is hiding her share of the loot and how she has a hacksaw blade hidden on her body to help him escape - but as she removes her uniform to show him, Alphonse suffers a heart attack from the sight and Herr Flick carts him off to the hospital. Numerous of crazy schemes occur in the aftermath: Michelle plans to have an Alphonse dummy and wheel in a gurney on which she'll sneak Alphonse back out. Helga comes up with a plan to stop Alphonse from talking by killing him with an exploding bedpan with a microphone inside and Von Strohm and Gruber masquerading as nurses. Michelle's plan ends up with Ren faking food poisoning and the whole cafe gang in disguise as a hospital team. But no end to the problems: they can't get Alphonse unhooked from the cardiogram machine... They take the whole bed and the cardiogram with them and leave the dummy behind. Gruber and Von Strohm blow up the dummy and think they've killed Alphonse. Ren ends up in the maternity ward by mistake but he manages to escape surgery at the last minute. The others get Alphonse with them in an ambulance but they've forgotten about Ren, who is left alone outside the hospital as they drive off.moreless - Ep 15Forged Francs & Fishsellers12/10/88
Rene is feeding the Long Distance Duck when he finds that it has given birth to a bunch of baby ducks. When Michelle delivers the microfilm, she orders Rene to launch the duck regardless of any offspring. Flick is ordered by his uncle, Heinrich Himmler, to recover the Gestapo money that was robbed from the bank, despite the fact that they were forged francs, because "it is the principle of the thing." In a hilarious exchange with Von Smallhausen, Flick works out that someone will soon spend some of the money and they can then track it down, so they go undercover as fishmongers to watch for forged money. The money is removed from Gruber's trousers to find there is just under a million francs (Michelle had taken some earlier to spend at the hairdresser's). Von Strohm splits it with Gruber, Helga, and Bertorelli. The communist girls are still in hiding in the cafe and still deeply in love with Rene, and Monsieur Alphonse is arrested by the Gestapo for passing the forged bank notes he got while at the hairdresser's. His new hairstyle with essence of hedgehog does nothing to help, making it look like his hair is standing on end. Meanwhile, the long-distance duck is prepared for launch, and it ambles on its way.moreless - Ep 14Communists in the Cupboard12/3/88
Rene has a new scheme to cure the deleterious effect Madame Edith's singing has on his cafe - he has a gramaphone with a recording of Toscanini and Jeanette MacDonald doing "Love Is Where You Find It" - and has Edith sing along, very very softly. Meanwhile, Michelle arrives and says that the proceeds of the bank robbery from the previous night should be split amongst them instead of going for the ransom. Which is just as well, since Mimi has apparently escaped on her own. Meanwhile, though, we find that the money robbed from the bank was Herr Flick's - and he thinks Von Klinkerhoffen was behind the theft! In panic at the thought of being caught with hot Gestapo money, Rene ends up with the francs shoved down his trousers.
The German officers also manage to escape on their own, so now Rene has a million francs and nothing to do with it. Gruber thinks it would be safer in his trouser's than in Rene's, so he trades the paintings in his trousers for the francs in Rene's. Meanwhile, the two leaders of the Communist Resistance are on the run, and both decide independently to take cover in Cafe Rene. Rene agrees to hide Denise, and Edith takes on Louise as Rene's musical scheme gets its first tryout, only to have Leclerc mix up the records and make Edith sing Ol' Man River.
moreless - Ep 13The Bank Job11/26/88
The Communist Resistance still has Rene and Mimi, as well as Von Strohm, Gruber, Leclerc, and the Italian army. Rene convinces the Communists that they could hold the Germans for ransom, and they let Rene and Leclerc go to act as go-betweens. Michelle suggests bombing the entire sawmill to wipe out the Germans, Italians, and Communists in one blow, but once that plan has been set in motion, they can't stop it in time to save Mimi (still in the sawmill disguised as a baby).
Unfortunately, Von Klinkerhoffen refuses to pay the 1,000,000 franc ransom, so Michelle suggests raising the ransom by robbing the vault in the local bank - after all, they have the services of the "greatest safecracker in all France." Naturally, the plan is trickier than they thought, when they get trapped inside the locked safe and need to burn some of the money to light the fuse on the explosive to get themselves out. ''moreless - Ep 12Parade of Prams11/19/88
Rene opens the show by trying to brick himself up in the wall to hide because the Germans will blame him for the mixup with the generals. Everyone else feels the same way and tries to join Rene in the brick-up, but Michelle shows up to reward him with a medal (for helping to capture the generals), and a suicide pill (to prevent him from talking). Luckily (or unluckily), the fish lorry hit a mine crater and the German generals end up back in Berlin. Von Klinkerhoffen decides to blame the fiasco on Von Strohm and will send the Colonel and Gruber off to the Russian front - but the two officers decide to hide in the Vatican, buying their way to safety in Rome by recovering and selling the paintings. They therefore force Rene to attempt to recover the paintings from the headquarters of the Communist Resistance, and Michelle shows up to tell Rene that the paintings he recovers must be sold for the Resistance funds! She, at least, has a plan to recover them, involving Rene masquerading as a Franciscan vicar wheeling a pram, with Mimi posing as a baby in the pram!
Unfortunately, Flick has come up with the same plan - with him posing as the baby in the pram and Helga as a nurse. Gruber and the Italian army take the direct approach, charging upon the HQ, and getting captured by the Communists. Meanwhile, Rene finds the paintings, and is himself found by Denise Laroque who vows to never let him go again...
moreless - Ep 11The British Invasion11/12/88
Having blown up Herr Flick with his nose, Rene tries to leave town, but Gruber shows up to report that he has convinced Von Klinkerhoffen that the French General was the culprit who blew up Herr Flick - so he has commuted Rene's death sentence. Flick is recovering in traction, while the French General (who is still paralyzed) is propped up outside the Cafe to be caught by the Germans. Leclerc takes Fanny out on a date in honor of the 50th anniversary of their meeting.
Von Klinkerhoffen intends to continue the Generals' Conference, but with a double feint - he will disguise a group of peasants as German generals and disguise the generals as peasants in the Cafe, so the Resistance will blow up the peasants instead. In toasting the forthcoming invasion of England, they manage to smash a Louis XIV crystal set Von Strohm had stolen and planned to send to his wife. Michelle arrives and reveals to Yvette that she feigned her love for Rene to get him to stay with the Resistance - and an urgent message arrives over the radio to say that another group of shot down airmen will arrive in the Cafe, disguised as onionsellers. Naturally, the German generals decide to come as onionsellers, too - everyone speaking English and talking about getting back to England is not surprising to either group of faux peasants. But the air raid starts and the escape plan comes to fruition -- and guess which group of onionsellers gets shipped back secretly to England and which get sent to take shelter in the German-HQ chateau? ''moreless - Ep 10Michelle's Secret Love11/5/88
Leclerc and Alphonse bring the duck (shot by Bertorelli) to the Cafe, to find it appears to only be stunned, not dead. Von Strohm and Gruber study a map of the Communist's sawmill and plan to storm it to recover the paintings. Michelle angrily reports that Rene's photo is useless since he photographed a blank map, but Rene has reached the end of his rope and decides to quit the resistance. To keep him in, Michelle reveals her hidden love for him and he relents. Gruber arrives to arrest Rene to be shot for the attempted poisoning. But Flick suspects the big-nosed French General of the poisoning, and heads off to find him.
Rene is offered many possible disguises with which to avoid the firing squad but he ends up disguised as the French general. Unfortunately Leclerc uses plastic explosive for the fake nose. Helga fetches Flick to capture the French General he suspects, but Rene's nose is accidentally ignited and he tosses it out into the street, just as Herr Flick arrives to take the full brunt of the blast.
moreless - Ep 9The Generals' Conference10/29/88
Michelle arrives to report that it is time for the German Generals' Conference at the chateau. Rene is to photograph the plans, using what is perhaps the funniest device used in the show: a false "caterer" front with a fake hand and a camera hidden beneath a flip-up apron. Edith is assigned to provide the distraction, and given some foam-at-the-mouth pills in a bottle labelled "Curiously Strong Peppermints". Unfortunately, Leclerc has let the Long Distance Duck loose, so he and Alphonse go duck-hunting to recapture it (so it can take the film to England), but Bertorelli shoots it first.
Gruber, planning the arrangements for the conference, finds he doesn't have enough sleeping space, so he needs to rent a room at the Cafe. Flick has Helga try on the wedding dress he has gotten for her (all leather). "London Calling" tells Rene that one of the Generals at the conference is a French collaborator and must be eliminated, but Mimi jumps the gun and paralyzes the French General in the Cafe. Crabtree takes his place at the Conference, which Flick and Von Smallhausen attempt to observe. The Generals at the Conference find the bottle of "mints" and all take one, which results in them all soon foaming at the mouth. As they panic and run to the Hospital, Rene stands on a chair and flips his apron to snap the map.
moreless - Ep 8The Long Distance Duck10/22/88
Rene, having been dumped out of the Communist truck, reports to the girls that Denise has vowed to kill them all, so Edith starts hiding in various disguises (including disguising herself as her mother and as Leclerc).''Helga reports to Von Strohm that the paintings are in the Communist HQ, so they make plans to attack the Communists and recover the art, using Bertorelli and his just-arrived Italian troops. ''
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''Von Klinkerhoffen comes to report that the German Generals will be arriving for a conference to plan the British invasion, and Rene is told by Michelle that he will end up doing the catering for the conference and that he must photograph the plans, and send them by duck.''moreless - Ep 7Post-Matrimonial Depression10/15/88
Edith is upset since her plot to secretly re-marry Ren has backfired. Ren himself is far more upset, though, as he learns that Denise has escaped from the mine shaft where Michelle held her captive. It is not long before a Communist hit squad shows up at the Cafe to get back at Ren, but Edith and the others tell them that Ren is dead. Ren then has to dress up like and old man so he can pose as his own father. Meanwhile, Von Strohm is worried since Ren is the only one who knows where the paintings are, so he orders Helga to follow and protect him and write down his last words in case he should end up dead. So of course Helga has to don a costume too; dressing up as a hooker (plus a mechanical poodle and Gruber dressed as her pimp). Herr Flick gets involved too; assigning Von Smallhausen to take pictures of everyone Ren comes in contact with. Despite all of this, Denise and her girls manage to capture him in front of everybody. Luckily for Ren, though, Denise realizes that the failed marriage attempt wasn't his fault - it was the fault of Edith, Mimi and Yvette! She announces her intention to kill all three women before dumping Ren out of her Communist truck as she leaves town to campaign for head of the Comunist party.moreless - Ep 6A Marriage of Inconvenience10/8/88
Ren's wedding to Denise is due shortly and he is not too happy about it. Another person that isn't too happy about this marriage is Edith. She summons Michelle, telling her that if Ren marries Denise, he'll join the Communists. Edith has hatched a plan, which requires Michelle and her girls to kidnap Denise. Then, Edith can take her place at the altar and marry Ren. They agree not to let Ren know about the plan. Von Strohm is getting heat from Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen after the paintings were stolen from Gruber. He commands Gruber to somehow get Ren to reveal the whereabouts of the paintings. Edith arranges a romantic dinner for her and Ren at the caf. It is supposed to be a reprise of their honeymoon night before Ren is to marry Denise (or at least, so he thinks). The next morning, Michelle informs Edith that she has kidnapped Denise and put her in a mine shaft. Edith hurriedly goes to put on the wedding dress. Meanwhile, Ren is getting ready as Gruber arrives to question him. He is most disappointed to learn of the wedding. Ren assures Gruber and Von Strohm that the paintings are safe. Finally, the ceremony starts and Ren is shocked when Edith briefly lifts her thick veil to him. However, Edith's plan goes awry because Yvette and Mimi have substituted the priest with Crabtree, thus making the ceremony invalid.moreless - Ep 5Enter Denise10/1/88
Ren and LeClerc are caught between a rock and a hard place - and the Communist Rsistance. They cannot reveal their true identities, because they will be shot as collaborators to the Germans. Enter Denise, the head of the Communist Rsistance, who was Rens sweetheart in his childhood in Nancy, and whos now determined to marry Ren.
Meanwhile, Edith and the servant girls have to explain to the Lieutenant why his little tank has crashed into the public toilet, and ends up getting Grubers compassion. And the two British airmen have decided its probably better to surrender to the Jerries than to stay at Rens caf.
Back at the caf, Ren has a difficult time telling Edith that he will marry Denise, since Monsieur Alphonse has asked for Ediths hand, and Yvette has it in her heart to tell Edith that Ren will marry her instead.moreless - Ep 4Return of the Paintings9/24/88
The plan to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain goes bad, as ususal, when Edith puts the smoke bomb in the wrong chimney of the chteau, and Ren and LeClerc are forced to blow up the safe in another kind of chaos than they had originally planned. When the smoke clears they discover that Lieutenant Gruber had in his safe not the invasion plans, but the original paintings by Van Clomp and Van Gogh.
During the escape, Ren and LeClerc are captured by the Communist Rsistance, in German uniforms, and it is unclear which is worst - saying that theyre Germans, or revealing their true identities, which are seen as German collaborators.
Helga is ordered by the Colonel to be Lieutenant Grubers best friend, but during their not-so-romantic tte--tte, Edith and the servant girls steal the Lieutenants little tank to try and rescue Ren.moreless - Ep 3Criminal Developments9/17/88
The show opens during the air raid which ended last episode - Rene is running back to the Cafe, and Von Klinkerhoffen, Von Strohm, and Bertorelli are all hiding under their desks. Herr Flick continues interrogating Helga about the plot to blow up Hitler to no avail; released, Helga reports on Flick to Gruber and Von Strohm. Von Klinkerhoffen takes a liking to Helga and has Von Strohm arrange a dinner, complete with live music. Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as the musicians to discover whether Von Klinkerhoffen is truly blowing up Hitler.
Meanwhile, Madame Edith delivers the film to Monsieur Alphonse for development, where he tells her about Rene's infidelity. She confronts Rene with the accusation but believes his bald denial. Leclerc examines the picture and prepares for the operation as Michelle devises a plan for Rene and Leclerc to break into Gruber's room during a smoke bomb diversion disguised as firemen and blow the safe. But Edith and Yvette pick the wrong chimney down which to throw the smoke bomb, instead hitting Von Klinkerhoffen's chimney. This leaves Gruber still in his room as Rene breaks in dressed as a fireman...moreless - Ep 2The Camera In the Potato9/10/88
Starting off in womens underwear in the dungeons of the Generals castle, Ren is rescued by Lieutenant Gruber, and comes back just in time to be briefed by Michelle from the Rsistance about the camera which will be used to photograph the safe in the chteau, and which is hidden inside a potato.
That night, Helga and the General is supposed to dine at Caf Ren, but Helga is ordered away by Herr Flick, and the General has to endure Ediths "seduction" before he can get away. He promptly discovers the Colonel in bed with Yvette, a flying helmet and a celery.
Finally, Ren can get into the chteau, but he doesnt know that the safe is in Lieutenant Grubers room...moreless - Ep 1Desperate Doings in the Dungeon9/3/88
Herr Flick (under the identity of Frau Kinkenrotten) is still held in the dungeons, and if he cracks he can divulge that the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies have been copied. Thats why he must be rescued by Helga, von Smallhousen, and Ren - dressed as Himmler.
The Colonel and the Lieutenant are ordered by the General to let Herr Flick die in a rescue attempt by the Rsistance, but seeing the danger of getting caught in a crossfire, they dress up as Gestapo officers to rescue Herr Flick, only to find Ren chained up instead.moreless
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Season 4
- Ep 6The Jet Propelled Mother-In-Law12/12/87
The Germans arrest Ren, and the Colonel demands an explanation for the knockwursts with explosives in them. After a small lie, Ren is sent home with around a dozen knockwursts to hang in his kitchen.
The British have sent a spy camera with which the Rsistance should be able to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain, but the camera landed in the vineyard of Monsieur Alphonses, and since the Germans commendeered the vineyard, the Rsistance cannot go and look for the camera.
This problem is solved when the General orders every peasant in Nouvion to work on the vineyard, which also leaves room for some assassination attempts on the Generals life. The attempts backfire and send Madame Fanny racing through the vinefields on a jet-propelled wheelchair.moreless - Ep 5The Sausage In the Trousers12/5/87
There is still no batteries for the wireless radio underneath the bed of Rens mother in law, so Michelles newest hairbrained scheme is to have Ren and Yvette powering the radio with the generator from a bicycle until the stolen batteries from a German midget submarine are delivered.
Soon, however, Helga comes in, dressed as a Gestapo officer and explains that Herr Flick has disguised himself as a secretary sitting outside the Colonels office to hear what the Colonel is up to. The Lieutenant discovers this and the General puts Herr Flick in his dungeon.
The Lieutenant is finished copying the paintings (The Fallen Madonna... and the Van Gogh), and delivers them as sausages. Sausages also comes from Captain Bertorelli (real ones), Monsieur LeClerc (submarine batteries), and Officer Crabtree (explosives), and soon theyre all mixed up in the German officers pants.moreless - Ep 4The Flying Nun11/28/87
The Gestapo suspects that the Colonel and the General are in on a plot to assassinate Hitler, so Herr Flick goes undercover as Private Irma Von Kinkenrotten (a secretary to replace Helga, who Flick has kidnapped - though she escape disguised as Flick himself) and plants a somewhat bizarre daffodil-shaped microphone in the Colonel's office, where Gruber and Von Strohm are making plans to get rid of Bertorelli in some way. Meanwhile, as Edith prepares for her wedding, and receives bouquets from fortune-hunting Capt. Bertorelli, Rene & Co. must get the aerial for their new radio above the jamming signal of Herr Flick, so they disguise Mimi as a small nun to obtain a box kite which they fly to contact London and request plastic explosive to blow up the safe in the General's chateau to get the British Invasion plans. Of course, Michelle has to nearly have a nervous breakdown in the Cafe before Rene agrees to this crazy plan. And unfortunately, Monsieur Alphonse catches Yvette and Rene having at it, so he considers Edith "back in play".moreless - Ep 3Good Staff Are Hard To Find11/21/87
Since Marias disappearance, the caf needs another waitress, but Ren and Edith has somewhat different ideas about who should fill the position, but finally Michelle from the Rsistance brings tiny Mimi from another cell, to be Rens bodyguard.
Ren finds out just how fanatical Mimi is when she tries to poison Herr Flick in the backroom of the caf, which Ren manages to stop.
In the meantime, General von Klinkerhoffen gives the Colonel a new assistant, Italian liaison Bertorelli, who fortunately knows nothing about the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies or about the afairs with the waitresses, but as soon as Bertorelli enters Caf Ren, he sees the Colonel with wet celery behind his ears. Seeing his chance for amore, he goes upstairs with Mimi only to be thrown out again.moreless - Ep 2Camp Dance11/14/87
Dressed as girls from the Folis Bergeres, the entire gang (the staff and the Germans) escape from the prisoner of war camp, and completely against plans bring the two British airmen with them.
Outside again, the Colonel finds that the Captain is missing, only his glasses are found. The servant girl Maria cannot be found either, and it turns out that she accidentally mailed herself to Switzerland as a Red Cross package.
Herr Flick and von Smallhousen intercept a message from London and try to send their own message, but Ren catches on and tosses the radio out the window, which leaves the rsistance without a means to contact London, until Michelle thinks of the radio in Lieutenant Grubers little tank.
But instead of getting new instructions, Ren and Edith are found out by the Colonel, Helga and Gruber - who finally learn what happened to Hans.moreless - Ep 1Hans Goes Over the Top11/7/87
Having been trapped in the POW camp, Rene is enlisted in the plan to re-dig the tunnel, by getting rid of the dirt. Hans and the Colonel are playing cricket, though not very well, and Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are digging their own tunnel into the camp. Monsieur Alphonse arrives at the Cafe to report to Fanny the news that Rene has been captured, but Rene and Company join in on the British prisoners' plan to escape - though only one person can escape in this way. The plan involved a plank laid across a barrel, and Rene leaping on one end (from the top of a shed) to fling the person on the other end out and over the fence. Naturally, the Colonel volunteers Hans for the escape, and after numerous attempts actually manages to get over, and is spirited away into the woods by the Resistance.
Meanwhile, Helga reports the situation to Gruber, and together they decide on a plan to rescue the Colonel, the Captain, and Rene, involving Gruber dressing as a nun. Officer Crabtree, though, reports to Alphonse and Leclerc with his own plan, involving everyone escaping in "droon poops". Meanwhile, though, the gang inside join a variety show for the purposes of covering a rather chancy plan of escape. But do they all make it out? The cliffhanger leaves us mid-dance...moreless
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Season 3
- Ep 6The Great Un-Escape1/9/87
While the Captain is sitting in the caf, sulking because the Colonel is not talking to him since Edith used the Captain's gun to shoot two tarts the night before, herr Flick from the Gestapo is listening when Ren is talking to London on the wireless. He soon cracks the code surrounding the message with the plan to dig a tunnel from the mortuary to hide the British airmen.
But it's soon apparent that the two airmen and Monsieur Alphonse need help with the digging, and the caf staff are called in, leaving Madame Fanny and LeClerc in the caf. But the Colonel and the Captain follow Ren, discover the tunnel, and are captured in the prisoner of war camp, where the General is about to perform an inspection...moreless - Ep 5Pretty Maids All In A Row1/2/87
After the plot to get the two British airmen out failed, Maria disguises them as waitresses at the caf. Meanwhile, a frustrated Ren returns to the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies. He hides it behind an ugly painting in his caf which is immediately recognized by General von Klinkerhoffen as a Van Gogh and requisitioned for his office in the chateau. He also requistions the two new maids in Caf Ren - or as they are better known: the two British airmen in disguise.
Realizing that the two airmen will be recognized right away, Michelle of the Rsistance comes up with another hairbrained scheme of digging a tunnel from Monsieur Alphonse's morgue into the prisoner of war camp and smuggling in the two airmen into the camp.
To get the airmen to Monsieur Alphonse, Edith comes up with a typical French Saturday pastime: a fandango festival which ends in the husband running away with two ladies of the night and the wife killing them. Using the Captain's gun, loaded with blanks, madame Edith "kills" the two airmen dressed as hookers in front of a shocked Captain Geering.moreless - Ep 4Flight of Fancy12/26/86
With Ren again in the possession of the sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies, the attention turns to getting the two British airmen out of France. The problem is that the old airplane that was to be used is in the back of the museum. But Michelle proposes a steam engine tour through Nouvion, and Herr Flick allows it, thinking its a good opportunity to observe any foul play.
Michelles newest hairbrained scheme of getting the airmen out will of course need 80 meters of suspenders, and its Rens job to get them from every Frenchman in Nouvion, which he does under the noses of the Colonel and the Captain through his newly founded brotherhood of the Nightowl.
Herr Flick and Helga arrive in his staff car to spy on the show, and The Colonel and the Captain arrive in a steamroller, also to spy on whats happening - and the result is pretty obvious, which prevents them from see the spectacular failure of the launching of the airmen. The suspenders that was supposed to drag the plane up in the air with a car backfires, sending Ren backwards at breakneck speed.moreless - Ep 3The Sausage In the Wardrobe12/19/86
After Maria is sent to Lieutenant Gruber with the sausage containing the real painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies for copying, she is caught by General von Klinckerhofen, who places the sausage in his wardrobe and helds Maria hostage until his lawn-mover engine is returned by the Rsistance.
Herr Flick, the Colonel and the Captain, and Ren hears about this and decides to go to the chateau through the secret passages and steal the sausage from under the General's nose, using Helga, Yvette and Lieutenant Gruber as erotical bait. Who will substitute the sausage first?moreless - Ep 2Gruber Does Some Mincing12/12/86
The sausage containing the (real) painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by van Clomp, which was taken by Lieutenant Grubers dog, is minced by the Lieutenant - but fortunally he discovers it first and saves it. At the same time, the missing knockwurst means that Monsieur Alphonse cannot get back the money which he leant to pay the ransom of the kidnapped sausage. The rsistance pays him back with Monsieur LeClercs badly forged money. But after everything seems to getting back to normal, the sausage is sent to Lieutenant Gruber to make another copy. Also, Michelles latest plan to get the airmen back is by an old plane with the motor from general von Klinkerhoffens lawn-mower, which is hidden in the wheelchair of Rens mother in law.moreless - Ep 1The Nicked Knockwurst12/5/86
After the Colonel makes Ren promise not to hang out with the Rsistance anymore, Herr Flicks sausage (containing the forgery of the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies) is kidnapped by the Rsistance, not the usual Rsistance, but the Communist Rsistance. The Colonel and the Captain are anxious that it doesnt come out that they have switched the paintings, and order Ren to come up with the ransom, which Edith gets from Monsieur Alphonse.
The ransom is to be left by Ren and his staff, dressed as German soldiers. But the whole thing is watched by German soldiers dressed as French policemen, the Gestapo dressed as French Rsistance girls, and the Colonel and the Captain dressed as trees. And of course, Lieutenant Gruber stumbles upon the meeting, and his dog cant help but chase the sausage.moreless
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Season 2
- Ep 7The Gateau From The Chateau12/26/85
Literally picking up immediately after the end of episode 2.6, the silk balloon with the two airmen lifts off in the air, and the French folk return to the cafe to sigh with relief. The balloon takes off amidst German flak but the wind shifts and they end up crashing back into the Cafe, where Rene hides them inside moose heads in the pool room.
General Erich von Klinkerhoffen takes command of the area due to all the Resistance activity. The Colonel has hidden the world's first cuckoo clock (shown back in the pilot) inside a bust of his head, but Hans sets it working and ends up beating it into submission to stop the ticking. Von Klinkerhoffen assigns the Colonel to seduce Edith in hopes of learning more about the Resistance, and the Colonel passes the mission on to Hans.
The Resistance is aware of Von Klinkerhoffen's reputation as a vicious fiend, Herr Flick is unhappy that Von Klinkerhoffen has interfered in Gestapo affairs, and the Colonel and the Captain don't like his usurpation of power, so everyone tries to kill him at a Kaiser's Birthday Party arranged by the Generals' new ADC, Lt. Gruber. Herr Flick picks the blowdart death pipe of the Katari tribe, the Resistance picks dynamite inside the birthday cake (with a candle as the fuse), and the Colonel picks a poison pill in the wine.moreless - Ep 6Herr Flick's Revenge11/25/85
After Ren ran away from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, he hides. Hes rescued by Michelle from the Rsistance who smuggles him back into the caf dressed as a member of the Rsistance, while she explains to Monsieur Alphonse that Ren is the bravest man in France.
But Herr Flick has captured the Colonel and the Captain, and brings in Ren as well, and torture them unless they reveal where the painting of "The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies" is hidden. They are rescued by General von Klinkerhoffen.
With life back to normal, theres only a matter of getting the British airmen out. As the General imposes a curfew, Michelle's plan is a funeral for Madame Fanny.moreless - Ep 5The Duel11/18/85
Ren tries to hide from the seconds of Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, but in his stead Lieutenant Gruber accepts the duel. However, the Colonel and the Captain want to save Ren and plans an exercise to "accidentally" kill Monsieur Alphonse. The plan is thwarted by Herr Flick, who has discovered that the sausage that was sent to Berlin containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies did not contain any painting - either real or fake. Herr Flick correctly assumes that the Colonel and the Captain stole the painting, and arrests them and cancels the exercise. Now Ren has to fight the duel on his own, while Yvette and Maria grieve on the sidelines and his wife Edith catches up on the gossip of the week.moreless - Ep 4Swiftly and With Style11/11/85
After failing to destroying the train which will take the copy of the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies to Hitler, Ren and the Captain are captured by the Rsistance, only to be rescued by Herr Flick (who accidentally explodes his Gestapo car). The Colonel and the Captain are afraid that Hitler will understand that the painting is a copy, and prepare to escape to Switzerland. But they need not worry - the RAF managed to bomb the train instead.
In the meantime, British agent in disguise, officer Crabtree has a new escape plan for the British airmen: a hot air balloon. Unfortunately, the silk has ripped, and the Rsistance needs for Ren to replace it with 40 or 50 silk knickers. When LeClerc steals Helgas knickers, Herr Flick demands that Caf Ren be searched.
But Ren has his hands full with Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, who proposes to madame Edith. Who will she choose? The rich undertaker or Ren?moreless - Ep 3The Policeman Cometh11/4/85
We pick up the action mere moments after the close of the previous episode, as the airmen-filled cow narrowly escape being milked by a German patrol while awaiting the landing of the plane. As they watch disappointedly, the plane does not land, instead jettisoning two parachutes, one of which yields a new escape package. The other yields Officer Crabtree, sent from "British Ontelligence Headquitters" - disguised a policeman, he is supposed to blend in. Unfortunately, his French is abominable, getting the vowels wrong as often as not...
Meanwhile, the plan to blow up the non-painting-filled knockwurst on its way to Hitler has hit a snag - Rene can't find anyone to blow up the train. But Helga works out a plan involving Lt. Gruber's armored car and its mounted 20 mm gun, and Rene and Hans end up out trying to shoot the train. Plus in this episode: Hitler's speeches at double speed!moreless - Ep 2The Wooing of Widow Artois10/28/85
Ren is caught in a dilemma when he must choose between the women he loves: his waitresses Yvette and Marie, and his wife Edith, who as his widow has all his money. Unfortunately he cannot bring himself to woo Edith again, so Edith seeks the attention that she can get, from other suitors in town.moreless - Ep 1Six Big Boobies10/21/85
After the British airmen are gone for good - or so Ren thinks - there is still the problem of Herr Flick owning all three copies of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies (one original and two fakes), and while Herr Flick kidnaps Lieutenant Gruber (a former art house worker), the Colonel and the Captain start to plan their next move.
All the while, Ren's widow Edith have found Rens will, and being the sole beneficiary, goes on a spending spree with Ren's money to attract better suitors. And the British airmen return - as nuns. They are last seen hidden in the piano.moreless
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Season 1
- Ep 8The Dance of the Hitler Youth10/26/84
The Colonel's birthday party becomes a perfect opportunity for getting the real painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies back from Herr Flick of the Gestapo, and substituting it with the forgery that was made earlier. The plan is to not invite Herr Flick but make sure that he hears about the big Binge - a traditional feast with genuine Bavarian dances featuring girls dressed as the Hitler Youth - so that he will have to come. In the meantime, Ren and Edith are supposed to walk into the office of Herr Flick and substitute the real with the fake. Of course, they fail - which means that Herr Flick now both has the fake and the original plus a second forgery, which he commissioned on his own in order to have money for his marriage with Helga after the war...moreless - Ep 7Reds Nick Colonel10/19/84
The communist résistance wants to make a martyr out of the dead René, and kidnaps the Colonel and the Captain. To make matters worse, they offer them on a platter to René´s twin brother René, so that he can shoot them. - Ep 6The Funeral10/12/84
René tries to go back to his normal life after his fake execution, posing as his twin brother, also named René, but the funeral arrangements are difficult when there is no body, Monsieur LeClerc is cheaper than the regular priest and the coffin is filled with anti-tank bombs. - Ep 5The Execution10/5/84
Hans mistakes the nitro for gin and accidentally blows up the railway himself! The Germans capture Rene, Yvette, and the peasant-disguised Colonel and Captain. As Helga, Leclerc, and Edith each attempt to help the gang escape, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and demands that the only known saboteur be shot. This means - Rene's death by firing squad, with Lieutenant Gruber in charge of the squad!moreless - Ep 4Saville Row To The Rescue9/28/84
The Colonel & the Captain and Herr Flick are all disguised as onion sellers while the German uniforms are being remade by the Jewish tailors of London. Michelle delivers a bottle of nitro-glycerin disguised as a bottle of Bols Gin to hide in the Cafe until they come to fetch it that night to blow up a German railway. But thinking it's gin, Edith begins spreading the nitro around - to her mother and the hens in the back. Although they attempt to get their spare uniforms, the Colonel and the Captain find that they have been sent to Paris for cleaning and are not available. Which makes them desperate, as they have found out that General Von Klinkerhoffen, the famously hard-nosed German General, is coming to visit the next morning.
The German officers insist on joining Rene and company when they go out on their expedition that night - the Resistance is heading out to blow up the railway with the gin, but first they intend to rendezvous with a plane from England, which is reportedly bringing the new German uniforms, and will take back the painting (to be forged) and the two airmen (effecting their escape). Luckily, the Germans being along is a help when they need to get past an unexpected sentry; unluckily, the plane that arrives is carrying not the uniforms, but a tailor to do a fitting - and is only a two-seater, so it can't take the airmen back with it...moreless - Ep 3Pigeon Post9/21/84
After the Colonel´s and the Captain´s uniforms are borrowed by the British airmen, and later burned, they will have to send for replacement uniforms. Supplied by Michelle are carrier pigeons, which madame Edith accidentally cooks and serves to Herr Otto Flick. - Ep 2The Fallen Madonna9/14/84
The Colonel & the Captain mull over their situation and decide they should probably hand over Rene and the painting to the Gestapo in order to get rid of Herr Flick. But Rene convinces them that they could hand over a forged copy of the painting instead (with the assistance of a conveniently-located forger), and gets them to lend their uniforms to the escaping British officers so the Brits can take the painting to England to be forged.
Meanwhile, everyone keeps handing Rene poison pills "to make it easier", Herr Flick decides his relationship with Helga should include an intimate dinner in Rene's back room, and Hans figures out that putting cheese in one's ears improves the sound of Madame Edith's singing.moreless - Ep 1The British Are Coming12/30/82
We meet Ren Artois, owner of a small caf in the French village of Nouvion during WWII. Ren leads a simple life and is married to the tone-deaf Edith (who nevertheless loves to sing) and at the same time carrying on secret affairs with his two waitresses, Yvette and Maria. At the same time, Ren tries to maintain a good relationship with the occupying German officers - offering them the bedroom services of his waitresses in exchange for food and supplies.
All of this quickly changes when Michelle Dubois, a member of the French Resistance, arrives with two British airmen that must be kept hidden at Ren's caf. A radio (to contact the Resistance) is also installed.
Meanwhile, the Germans - Colonel Von Strohm, Captain Geering, Lt. Gruber and Private Helga - have been busy getting their hands on the town's remaining valuables such as the first cuckoo clock ever made and the painting "The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies" by Van Clomp. However, simple life is not to last for the Germans either as the ruthless Herr Flick of the Gestapo shows up. Hurriedly, the Germans form an alliance with Ren and decide to hide the cuckoo clock and the painting at the caf to sell them after the war is over.moreless
