Larry: Ally, when you do have child, no matter how much you think you're prepared for it, you'll be stunned by the capacity you have to love somebody.
Larry: How does it start?
Ally: Uh, um, with a dream.
Elaine: He's not bad. I was better, though, right?
Elaine: It's just, I've sent signals to you before you never picked up on.
Mark: Like when you dry-humped me?
Elaine: That would be one of them.
Mark: I thought you were great, Elaine.
Elaine: Thank you. I appreciate that.
Mark: Did you get any dates out of it?
Elaine: It wasn't about getting a date.
Mark: My question is, did you get one?
Elaine: No, I didn't. All right?
Mark: Would you like one?
Elaine: A date?
Elaine: With you?
Elaine: You're asking me out.
Mark: Great. Oh, I know this is a stupid question, but I'm gonna ask anyway...
Elaine: I don't have a penis.
Mark: Excellent. Eight o'clock?
Elaine: That'd be great.
Ally: Are you really trying to have a serious conversation with a red blinking nose?
Renée: He's gonna be fine.
Ally: And how can you be sure?
Renée: He's got you.
Ally: I have to pee.
Larry: Gosh, that's so romantic.
John: What about movement, y'know? I'm stiff. I step like I'm trying to kill bugs.
Ally: Forgive me because I have spent my whole life crafting this little list of how it's supposed to go when I meet somebody and as I've gotten older I've become more willing to make compromises. There's only one real prerequisite left on the list for the man in my life...
Larry: What's that?
Ally: I have to love him.
Mark: I just seems a little desperate to me.
Elaine: This from a man who dates women with schlongs. I'm sorry, that was rude. Mark, I haven't had a real boyfriend in seven years. I AM desperate.
Richard: There's only one thing you can do, John. You've lied to her. You need to go to her now with a bigger lie.
Larry: You'd be surprised what an incredible companion music can be.
Elaine: It's more about a applause for me. Without a stage and an audience I have no use for music.
Nelle: Oh, please, he's nothing but a dangerous myth. The fat washed-out alcoholic fiddles with elves. He's a pedophile too, he gets kids to sit on his lap while promising toys. Let's salue our client.
John: Last year you said you loved Santa Claus.
Nelle: He was in last year. Now he's out.
Larry: I always hated Christmas. Uh oh, I should have saved that for later in the relationship.
Ally: Mmm, I don't know if I can be with a man who hates Christmas.
Larry: I'm allergic to the down feathers in the couch, all right. There's cholesterol in eggnog. The tree is a fire hazard and twinkly lights can cause seizures.
Ally: The Christmas season starts as soon as you put up your tree. I think the world could, uh, extend the yuletide spirit a week. (car honks) Ahh, bite me!
Larry: Ah, there's the spirit.
"Winter Wonderland" performed by Macy Gray
"It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones
"Tomorrow" performed by Jane Krakowski
"Christmas is Coming" performed by Calista Flockhart
"All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" performed by Calista Flockhart
"Jingle Bells" performed by Calista Flockhart
"River" performed by Robert Downey Jr.
"Treat Her Right" by Peter MacNicol
"White Christmas" by Irving Berlin
This episode aired in Atlantic Canada 3 hours earlier due to Canadian federal general election coverage later that evening.
Episode Title: "'Tis the Season"
The title is a reference to a 1994 family Christmas themed movie titled "Tis the Season," set in Hawaii.