TV Announcer/Principal Lewis
Dr. Grossbard/Senator #1
Dr. Heisler/Terry Bates
The shows that Stan throws off the air after he takes over a TV network include Wife Swap and SpongeBob SquarePants. The shows have been accused by conservatives of promoting homosexuality.
There's a slight error in dialogue during the scene where Stan is at the pharmacy. Stan says to the pharmacist that, concerning the refills of ointment, he's got two left. The pharmacist says "No, remember, you blew through those and made me call the doctor for eight more." Then Stan says, "Right, so I'll just take my last six tubes and get out of your hair." The line should have been, "You blew through those WHEN you made me call the doctor for eight more" because, that way, Stan would have had fourteen more tubes of ointment coming his way instead of six.
The motel Stan visits to periodically pleasure himself is called the 'Bates Motel; an obvious abbreviation of "Masturbates." This is also the name of the motel in the Alfred Hitchcock's film, Psycho.
When Stan puts make-up on Francine, it looks clown-like, but when she is driving Steve to school, her make-up is normal.
During Stan's briefing, the list of enemies includes Osama bin Laden, Fidel Castro, and Kim Jong Il.
The sign outside the plastic surgeon Francine visits reads, "Dr. Heisler, Plastic Surgeon - We'll Make You Do-able Again."
During the 50s propaganda video, Timmy's parents leave him a note that reads, "Dear Timmy, went to get hour flag pressed, back in three hours, love Mum, Dad, et al."
The original script called for Stan to be called "Mr. Smith" instead of "Professor Smith" while teaching his sex-ed class.
Stan: (after he's done "applying ointment") Phew! Enough of that for one day. (gets more ointment) Might as well make it a baker's dozen. Besides, I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm healing. And healing feels good. Incredibly good. Like God has kissed me with a mouthful of Scotch.
Steve: (after watching Sex Ed. movie) Wow! That's messed up! So how do we defeat these evil urges?
Stan: The way I have my entire life. (clicks on light in basement) With hobbies! Hobbies keep your mind clean and your hands busy. I've had a hobby since I was your age and not once have I played a solo on the devil's clarinet.
Steve: Awesome job, dad. I really think we're winning the war on urges.
Terry: Sir, the phones are lighting up.
Terry: It's mostly death threats, but I think you're doing an amazing job. (Gets shot with a dart on the neck by Steve)
Steve: No one likes a suck-up, Terry.
(To the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star)
Stan: Lava, acid, and your crotch, these are things you must not touch.
Steve: Rest assured your eyes will melt, if you drift below the belt...
Steve: So, you're saying I should never ever have sex before marriage?
Stan: That's right, or angels will kill you.
Paris & Nicole: (On TV) We're gonna show you boys a new meaning of the words "hard time."
TV Announcer: Watch Paris and Nicole debase themselves as they desperately cling to their last shred of stardom.
Hayley: All you do is sit on your ass all day. You're such a loser!
Roger: (Gasps) I am not a loser! Hayley, you take that back!
Hayley: Okay, Roger, maybe I went too...
(Roger throws his drink in her face, they start fighting on the ground)
Stan: Hayley, what the hell's wrong with you?! Finish him! (Drops gun on the ground)
Francine: No, I just cleaned this carpet.
Steve: Hey, dad, I need you to sign this permission slip. They're teaching sex education at school.
Stan: Hmm. Could you give us a moment, Steve? (Pulls lever, Steve falls through trap door)
Francine: What was that for?
Stan: He's only 14. I don't want some unionized pervert teaching my son about nature's filthy secret.
Francine: But, honey, Steve is at that age. And they're just trying to give him a little knowledge.
Stan: "They"? Who's "they"? The smut-peddling flag burners, or the God-killing tree huggers?
Steve: Tree huggers, I think!
Stan: Well, it's clear what must be done. We have to burn the school to the ground.
Stan: Fine, fine, we'll talk to the principal.
Stan: (Takes out his lighter) Soon, my pet. Soon, I will feed you the world.
(In Principal's Lewis' office)
Stan: (To Francine) These academics are expert at using mind games to implant their liberal agendas. I've dealt with them before, so leave the talking to me.
Principal Lewis: (Enters his office) Good, you're both here.
Stan: And you're both here.
Principal Lewis: I understand there's a problem.
Stan: I understand there's a solution.
Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, you're not making sense.
Stan Playing the race card already? (To Francine) I've got him on the ropes.
Francine: Thank you for seeing us, Principal Lewis. My husband is just a teeny bit concerned that Steve may not be ready for sex education.
Stan: That's right! My wife didn't spend 36 hours squeezing Steve from her birth canal so you could shove his face right back in there!
Stan: Okay, now that the square is gone, we can really rap. So, what do you need to know?
Steve: Um, everything, I guess. I talk a big game, but I actually know very little about sex.
Stan: Well, you don't have to worry about it because you're not having it.
Steve: Oh, but I guess I just thought I should know...
Stan: You don't need to know! That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
Steve: Well, I guess not, but I...
Stan: See, if I tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It'll just be a fact, an ugly, moist fact, squatting on your brain like an octopus. And you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son?
Stan: And that's where babies come from.
(Steve sees Stan & Francine making out on the kitchen table)
Stan: Uh, Steve!
Steve: Is this a bad time?
Stan: No, no. I-I was just, uh, buffing the table with your mother.
Francine: (Pouring ice on Stan) Well, luckily, it's only a minor injury.
Stan: Minor? I doubt we'd be calling it minor if it was your wee-wee.
Steve: Here's your prescription, dad.
Stan: Finally. The burn ointment. (Reads prescription aloud) "Apply to affected area." Why can't they write these things in English?! Everybody out! I'm calling the CIA doctor.
Dr. Grossbard: (On phone with Stan) Smith, I'm elbow-deep inside the Vice President's chest. This better be important.
Stan: Vital. How do you use ointment?
Dr. Grossbard: (On phone with Stan) Oh, just take a large gob and apply it directly to the affected area.
Stan: Oh. Okay, but… the affected area is my, a...
Nurse: (In OR with Doctor) Doctor, the aorta has ruptured!
Dr. Grossbard (In response to nurse) Clamp on to it with both hands!
Stan: Okay... but to do that I'm gonna have to put you on speakerphone.
Nurse: (In OR with Doctor) Doctor! The artery is retracting!
Dr. Grossbard: (In response to nurse) Pull on it! Pull with all your might!
Stan: I-I feel weird. Maybe I should stop.
Dr. Grossbard: (In response to Cheney flat-lining) Don't quit on me now, you son of a bitch! Keep pumping!
Stan: But I'm... I'm... (Yells loudly, as he reaches climax)
(After an avalanche covers them in snow again)
Moose #1: Why do we keep grazing here?
Moose #2: I don't know. I do not know.
Steve: Dad! There you are.
Stan: Of course I'm here. W-Where would I be? Alone, touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.
Stan: (Laughs) Well said, soldier.
Steve: I just want to say how sorry I am. And I hope this experience will bring us even closer together.
Stan: Of course it will. Now, get out. (Closes bathroom door)
Roger: Welcome to Roger's Place. What's your poison?
Hayley: All right, I'll have a Cosmopolitan.
Roger: A Cosmo for the lady who changed my life. Just need to see some ID.
Hayley: (Laughs) Okay, here you go.
Roger: Yeah, this is clearly fake. I'm going to have to confiscate this... Dr. Ernestine Chow.
Hayley: But I need that to get into bars.
Roger: Uh-huh. I could lose my license.
Hayley: What license? You're an alien! This is make-believe in our attic.
Roger: (Pulls out a big bat) We gonna have a problem?
Roger & Klaus: Francine!
Roger: Good to see you, Mrs. S. You just missed happy hour, but we may still have some crab cakes. Miguel, tenemos crab cakes?!
Francine: I don't want any crab cakes.
Roger: Good, because there's no Miguel or crab cakes.
Dr. Heisler: Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger. But may I suggest a third breast?
Francine: I don't think...
Dr. Heisler: Okay, how about two in the back? Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super boob.
Francine: Can I just get a little Botox?
Dr. Heisler: (Sadly) No one ever wants the super boob.
Francine: What's going on?
Stan: Steve fell off a ladder. He's dead inside. We're gonna go save America.
Klaus: Francine, you seem oddly unfazed.
Francine: No, no, I'm shocked and confused. It's just that I paralyzed my face to make me look prettier.
Klaus: Oh, why didn't you say you were having work done? I would have gladly gone halfsies on the super boob.
According to the series DVD commentary and collection of deleted and alternate scenes, there was a scene after Stan locks himself in the closet where Timmy (the boy from the "Wages of Self-Abuse" film) encourages Stan to masturbate.
In this episode, we learn that Steve is 14 years old (Stan brings it up just before he and Francine talk to Principal Lewis), but in the "Pilot," Hayley says "think you'll hit puberty before you turn 14?". Obviously, Steve has had at least one birthday since the pilot.
This episode was originally supposed to air as the second season premiere, but FOX did not want to air an episode, where there was a small amount of terrorist references and appearances, on September 11th.
Channel 7 (AU) airdate: March 8, 2006.
BBC TWO (UK) airdate: December 20, 2005.
We observe another peculiarity in Roger's anatomy: in addition to squirting goo every seven hours, lactating and producing eggs every six years, and crapping gold and jewels, at least one of his organs -- the pancreas -- is semi-sentient, quite vicious, and can survive outside his abdomen for an extended period.
The music playing when Francine goes back in the house to get her underwear is "O Fortuna" from Carl Orff's "Carmina Burana." According to DVD commentary, this song was almost not used because the recording kept getting lost.
When Stan needs clarification on how to apply his burn ointment, he calls and interrupts the CIA doctor, who is performing open-heart surgery on Vice President Dick Cheney at the time. Cheney has undergone several such operations in the past.
First appearance of Principal Lewis since the Pilot.
Stan's "Clean TV" studio is called: "W-Ang Studios."
The name on Hayley's fake ID card is "Dr. Ernestine Chow." Which means we now know Hayley uses fake ID cards to get into bars/clubs.
The show Roger and Klaus are watching in the beginning is "The Simple Life - Life Without Parole."
This episode had a viewer discretion advisory about discussions of sexual behavior before the beginning of the episode in its original airing on FOX.
Langley Falls Post front page headline: "Israel Pulls out of Gaza, Gaza not Pregnant."
[adult swim] airdate: September 29, 2005.
The scene in which Hayley removes Roger's pancreas is an allusion to the 1979 film Alien. In the film, an alien comes out of a man's chest, Screeches, and runs across a table to escape, knocking over everything in its path.
Langley Falls Post front page headline: "Israel Pulls out of Gaza, Gaza not Pregnant."
The Langley Falls Post headline is a spoof of the contraceptive techinque of "withdrawl" where the male withdraws his penis from the female's vagina prior to orgasm/ejaculation. It is the least reliable and effective contraceptive technique because of pre-orgasmic ejaculate as well as the fact that a lot of people forget or are unable to withdraw in time or at all in that moment, which can result in pregnancy.
Roger: Oh, what fresh hell is this?
A famous quote of writer Dorothy Parker and the name of a biography about her. Reportedly, this is what she'd say when she'd answer the phone.
Episode Title: A Smith in the Hand
This is a paraody of the proverb, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."
Klaus & Roger: Francine!
This is a throwback to the popular NBC show Cheers, wherein the character Norm, played by George Wendt, would enter the bar, named after the show, everyone would shout, "Norm!" Klaus and Roger do the same thing when Francine enters "Roger's Place."
TV Show: The Simple Life - Life Without Parole
A spoof off of the actual reality show, The Simple Life, starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, where they go out to the real world and experience what life is really like.
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