Hayley criticizes Roger for sitting on his ass all day, which leads to a fight. Steve comes in and asks his father to sign a permission slip to allow him to join sex education at school. Stan and Francine talk to Steve's principal about the class. Stan demands that a wholesome, family-friendly alternative to sex ed is offered, and Stan ends up teaching the class. Which only Steve enrolls in.
Stan tells Steve that he doesn't need to know or wonder anything about sex. That night at home, Steve says he still has more questions. And Roger announces that he's decided to get his bartending license. Upstairs, Stan tells Steve that if he has sex before marriage, angels will kill him. But this won't be hard, because he won't get urges before then. Steve wonders about masturbation, so Stan plays a filmstrip for him in which a young boy touches himself, then screams as his eyeballs melt.
Stan then introducing Steve to hobbying as a way to keep idle hands busy and avoid self-pleasure. First up is woodburning. Stan places a board in his lap and tells Steve to burn it. But Steve misses and severely burns Stan's crotch. Francine gives him a balm for the burn, but Stan doesn't know how to apply it. He calls the CIA doctor, who's in the middle of heart surgery on Dick Cheney. He tells Stan to apply the balm manually to the afflicted area. Cheney begins dying and the doctor begins shouting at him. Stan thinks the doctors is yelling at him and begins tugging on himself, eventually getting himself off for the first time ever.
Stan spends the next two days constantly pleasuring himself. Meanwhile, Roger has set up a bar in the attic. The next morning, Francine is driving Steve to school when she realizes she forgot to put on underwear. They turn around and head home, where Stan has just took his pants off and is about to pleasure himself again. Francine is about to catch Stan in the act when he hears a floorboard creak. To far away to his pants and underwear to put them back on, he turns to face the window, causing Francine to only see his bare butt (censored in the fox version, but not in DVD and Adult Swim version) while having his aroused front to the window (to the horror of the neighbors) then walks into the closet, never turning around, Francine gets her underwear and leaves. In the closet alone, Stan sees Timmy, the young boy whose eyes melted. Timmy advises him to not get caught.
Stan checks into a seedy motel by himself. At home, Francine is finishing up her spring cleaning, which always makes her hot. Stan comes in and tries to avoid his marital duties with her. She sees a plastic surgeon about some sprucing up. And Stan starts jonesing, having used up all of his prescription ointment. He desperately throws himself back into his hobbies, hoping it'll fill the void. But it doesn't, so he decides to go one last round.
Steve, who's cleaning the gutters, looks in the bedroom window and catches Stan. Steve retreats to Roger's bar to drink away the pain. Stan comes to do the same, and they have a talk. Steve calls Stan a hypocrite, but Stan says TV forced him to do it. Stan takes Steve to go save America from TV's dirty influence. A special Senate committee gives Stan full control of the airwaves in Langley Falls.
Up in Roger's bar, Francine is complaining that Stan is ignoring her. Roger breaks the news that Stan's been abusing himself recently and Steve caught him redhanded. Down at the local TV station, Stan and Steve are doing family friendly programming. Francine comes in and tells Steve the urges he's feeling are natural. Stan finally agrees and gives Steve a talk about the bird and bees. In incredibly filthy detail. On live TV.