American Dad!

Season 1 Episode 9

A Smith in the Hand

Aired Monday 9:30 PM Sep 18, 2005 on TBS



  • Quotes

    • Francine: (Pouring ice on Stan) Well, luckily, it's only a minor injury.
      Stan: Minor? I doubt we'd be calling it minor if it was your wee-wee.
      Steve: Here's your prescription, dad.
      Stan: Finally. The burn ointment. (Reads prescription aloud) "Apply to affected area." Why can't they write these things in English?! Everybody out! I'm calling the CIA doctor.
      Dr. Grossbard: (On phone with Stan) Smith, I'm elbow-deep inside the Vice President's chest. This better be important.
      Stan: Vital. How do you use ointment?
      Dr. Grossbard: (On phone with Stan) Oh, just take a large gob and apply it directly to the affected area.
      Stan: Oh. Okay, but… the affected area is my, a...
      Nurse: (In OR with Doctor) Doctor, the aorta has ruptured!
      Dr. Grossbard (In response to nurse) Clamp on to it with both hands!
      Stan: Okay... but to do that I'm gonna have to put you on speakerphone.
      Nurse: (In OR with Doctor) Doctor! The artery is retracting!
      Dr. Grossbard: (In response to nurse) Pull on it! Pull with all your might!
      Stan: I-I feel weird. Maybe I should stop.
      Dr. Grossbard: (In response to Cheney flat-lining) Don't quit on me now, you son of a bitch! Keep pumping!
      Stan: But I'm... I'm... (Yells loudly, as he reaches climax)