American Dad! Season 2 Episode 3

Barry: So, why would Dan Vebber become a cyber-terrorist?
Steve: What do we know about Dan Vebber?
Snot: Well, he's a grown man obsessed with The Lord of the Rings.
Steve: That's it! By destroying modern infrastructures, he hopes to create a Middle Earth in the here and now.
Stan: That's it! I've cracked it!
Barry: But wait a second. Steve was the one who...
(Stan pulls out his gun, Barry stops talking)

Stan: Look, Steve, if you could translate his notes, then I could capture this madman and be one of the cool agents again. Please, son, I really need your help.
Steve: Fine. I'll help you.
Barry: Look, Mr. Smith, your stress zits are going away. Yay!
Stan: Oh, God, I want to hit you!

Stan: Steve, may I speak to you for a second?
(Pause)
Barry: Come on, Steve. He's your dad.
Stan: Shut up, fatty-fat-fat-pants! Wow. Seriously, I have no idea what that's about.

Stan: (After all the CIA agents ditched him) I'm telling the President on you!

Roger: Yes, I had a conversation!
Taco King: What are you doing on my corner?
Roger: Hola, Taco King. ¿Como estas?
(Taco King knocks Roger's pamphlets out of his hand)
Roger: Guess I should've used the formal "usted."
Taco King: You're cutting into my business!
Roger: Oh, come on. I bet if you let me inside your hard shell, I'd find a lump of soft meat. (Laughs) That came out wrong.

Jackson: Hey, Stan. How come I've never seen this son of yours before?
Stan: Darnelle's been to the office a hundred times! Or are black people invisible to you, you racist bastard!

Hayley: Look, you said you wanted a job so you could meet people.
Roger: (In a "Jumbo Juice" costume) No, no, it's good. It's fine. The costume's nice and spacious. There's enough room in here for everything, except my self-respect.
Hayley: It's not my fault the job market sucks. I didn't vote for Bush.
Roger: Let it go, Hayley.
Hayley: Never!

Francine: Stan, stop grinding your teeth. It's not your fault that nut-job is still out there.
Stan: Forget national security! We have a real crisis! Our son is a geek!
Francine: So our son is a geek, who cares?
Stan: You knew? What else have you been hiding? Maybe the fact that he's not even my son. Please, please, tell me you slept with another man. Tell me it was in our bed and he was wearing my tie as a headband. And-and you grabbed the tie to gain leverage, and then apologized, embarrassed. But he said, "No, baby, you grab what you need to grab to keep doing what you're doing." Tell me! If you ever loved me, you'll tell me that's what happened!

(On TV)
Greg: The cyber-terrorist has struck again.
Terry: That's right, Greg. This time he hacked into the computer system at the largest refinery on the East Coast, essentially shutting down all oil production.
Greg: Oh, well, I hope that doesn't include olive oil. Someone promised to make me paella this weekend.
Terry: Great, now it seems like an obligation instead of a treat.

Roger: Well, going to the beach as a Saudi exchange student was an awful idea.
Hayley: Well, I'm sorry no one talked to you, but we can't risk anyone seeing you.
Roger: Hayley, I'm a social creature. I need to mingle. You know, back home, I was a greeter at Falaxido. It's kind of like Wal-Mart, except when people work there for 18 years, they aren't proud of it.

Snot: I've never been to a baseball game before!
Stan: Yeah, well, wait 'til you hear who pulled some strings to get us into the Yankee locker room.
Barry: You?
Stan: I said wait, pork chop! Whoa, whoa, ha. Where'd that come from? Uh, yes, Steve's friend, it was me.

Stan: Steve, how would you like to go a Yankee-Oriole game tomorrow?
Steve: Really?
Stan: Absolutely. If you want to get good at something, you have to see it done up close, by professionals. That's why I took your mother to Bangkok last summer. Oh, her pad thai is delicious now.
Snot: Uh, Steve, you were supposed to go on a mission with us tomorrow.
Stan: You're all invited.
Steve: Cool! Can we wear our uniforms?
Stan: Absolutely. And I got you all baseball jackets, too. (To Barry) Your size would have cost me two bucks extra, so, uh, just bring a sweater.

Hayley: Roger, have you lost your mind? You know you can't let Steve's friends see you.
Roger: Oh, Hayley, they won't notice I'm not Francine. They're 13. They'll never take their eyes off my sweater meat.
Hayley: Look, don't go down there. I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.
Roger: That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place. It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search. Did I say thrill? I meant fear.

Bullock: I've never seen this language before.
Stan: No one has, sir. That's why we're flying in our top code-breaker. His name is Tom Jorgenson. He's notoriously difficult to work with. Some call him a genius; others call him a madman. But he's the single most valuable weapon our country has in our war on terror.
(Helicopter crashes into dam)
Stan: Scott here is, uh, pretty good at the Jumble.
(Helicopter parts fall on Scott)
Bullock: Damn it! There's a maniac out there jeopardizing the security of our nation! We must focus all of our resources on catching him.
(CIA agent whispers to Bullock)
Bullock: Right after softball practice.