American Dad! Season 2 Episode 1

(Phone rings)
Steve: (Answers phone) Hello? (Hangs up) Oh, crap.
Roger: What? What's wrong?
Steve: Argentina just *69'ed us.
(Roger gasps)

Waitress #1: More coffee?
(Stan & Bullock enter)
Jeff: Quick. Pretend you don't know me.
Waitress #1: I don't know you.
Jeff: Oh, I'm sorry. Jeff Fisher.
Bullock: Jeff Fisher! Let's go. Time to die.

Hayley: (Answering phone) Hello.
Jeff: Hayley, you're father's trying to kill me.
Hayley: What are you talking about?
Jeff: Your dad and some bald dude.
Hayley: Avery.
Jeff: Look, you got to come get me. I stole their car to escape, but they're only a couple miles behind me.
Hayley: They why did you stop?
Jeff: Uh... it's an SUV. We've only got one planet.

Jeff: Want me to unload the truck?
Stan: No need. Just put this on.
Jeff: Cool.
(Stan points rifle at Jeff)
Jeff: (Gasps) Is an animal right behind me?
Bullock: Jeff, we haven't been entirely forthright with you. You see, we're actually out here to hunt the most cunning prey of all.
Jeff: An otter?
Bullock: Bigger.
Jeff: A dolphin? No, that's stupid. We're in the woods. A land dolphin?
Stan: It's you! We're going to kill you! I'm sorry, but it was going to take him forever.
Jeff: You guys, very funny. Ha, ha!
(Stan shoots Jeff's hat off)
Jeff: Oh, God! You're not kidding. Please, don't shoot! (Starts crying)
Stan: Um... sir, should we maybe at least give him a head start?
Bullock: Capital idea! We'll make a game of it. (To Jeff) You have thirty seconds. One, two...
(Jeff drives off in their car)

Jeff: (Buried underground) I can't breathe.
Stan: Plenty of air out here, Jeff. I'm filling my lungs with it now.
Jeff: Mr. Smith, please!
Stan: Real men stay calm under pressure, Jeff. By the way, you only have five more minutes to learn that lesson. Two if you panic.

Stan: Well, I thought giving you a blanket party would have done the trick, but I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
Jeff: (Tied up to a post) I have blood in my ears.
Stan: All right, Jeff. This is an apple. (Holds up a banana)
Jeff: Um, okay.
(Stan zaps him)
Stan: Once again, this is an apple.
Jeff: Okay.
(Stan zaps him again)
Stan: Damn it, man! You know what this is! Be more assertive! Now, this is an apple. (Holding up a banana)
Jeff: No, it's not!
(Stan zaps him once more)
Stan: Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Did you say no? Right, right, this is not an apple, good.

Bullock: (To Stan) Say, do you perchance have any Gatorade? I'm afraid I left all my electrolytes with your daughter.

Bullock: Sure, everyone knows the CIA invented crack and introduced it to the inner city, but what we never get credit for is malt liquor. (Chuckles) Yes, that was us.

Steve: Look what I found.
(Music ceases)
Steve: Dick Cheney's Blackberry.
Roger: Oh, my God. I smell shenanigans. Gimme, gimme, gimme. (Dials phone)
(Distant phone ringing)
Tony Blair: (Answering phone) Uh! It's 4:00 in the bloody morning. Hello?
Roger: Uh, British Prime Minister Tony Blair?
Tony Blair: Speaking.
Roger: Guess what?
Tony Blair: What?
Roger: Chicken butt. (Laughs)

Hayley: Look, get this through your head, Avery. We are over. I'm with Jeff now.
Bullock: How dare you talk to me that way, you third-rate tart.
Stan: Uh... sir, she is my daughter.
Bullock: Silence, man-horse! This is between me and that filthy, cheap slut.

Stan: With all due respect, sir, suck it up.
Bullock: You'll get your promotion, Smith. Just as soon as you do one last thing for me.
Stan: Oh, come on! I've picked up your laundry, I polished your shoes... I've done everything but bend over backwards for you, and my daughter did that, so I say we count it. What else could you possibly want me to do?
Bullock: Kill Jeff Fisher.

Stan: I got the promotion, Francine!
Francine: Yes, but you lost my respect. You're not the man I married.
Stan: And you're not the man I married.
Francine: That doesn't make any sense.
Stan: It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

Stan: All right, Jeff. Are you familiar with a TV show called Fear Factor?
Jeff: Yeah?
Stan: Well, today you're going on a long car trip with Joe Rogan.
Joe Rogan: Ever do it with a stripper? They're some psycho bitches.
Stan: Get in, Jeff.
Jeff: No way! I am not spending an entire afternoon with this polarizing figure. I'm going home.
Stan: Jeff, wait! Do you realize what you just did? You stood up to me. Now you're the kind of man Hayley wants. Congratulations.
Joe Rogan: What are you guys, homos?
Stan: No.
Joe Rogan: (Sadly) Oh.

Stan: What the hell do you think you're...
Hayley: Look, Avery called to apologize for what he said at the carnival. We met for coffee, and, well, I know it's crazy, but I like him. He challenges me. And besides, he has a huge...
Stan: Penis, I mean, Hayley! Damn it. I was trying to cut you off before you said...
Hayley: I was gonna say heart, but, well, you shined his shoes.

Stan: Unbelievable. I'm this close to a promotion and our darling, little Squeeky Fromme decides to assassinate my career.
Klaus: You know, I wasn't sure about the Squeeky Fromme reference, but it's a smart joke and the fans have come to expect that from us.

Hayley: Hey, if the whole CIA is at this carnival, who's out there undermining democracy?
Stan: The FBI pulls a double shift. Now, listen, when we get there, you better keep your Liberal pie hole shut! My promotion depends on it.
Francine: Honestly, Stan, what does Hayley have to do with you getting a promotion? It should be enough that you're really good at your job.
Stan: Yeah, it should. But we don't live in Shouldland. Ah, Shouldland, where clean-cut kids cruise Shouldland Boulevard, and the Shouldland High football team gets their optimistic asses kicked by their cross-town rival, Reality Check Tech.

Francine: It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?
Stan: Because there'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans. (Picks up napkin) What the hell is this?
Roger: Metrosexual soccer icon, David Beckham. I can't do swans. I don't know why.

Jeff: God, it's so beautiful out here. I want to weep.
Hayley: Yeah, look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a breakup hike.
Jeff: What? But-but-but we're so good together!
Hayley: No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.
Jeff: You're right, I so do that. But I can change.
Hayley: No, you can't.
Jeff: You're right. Let's get married.
Hayley: Goodbye, Jeff.
Jeff: Good call, babe. You can do better.

Hayley: Hello, Deputy Director Bullock. You're looking well.
Stan: Uh, sir, you-you remember Hayley, my, uh... son's sister.
Bullock: Of course, I'm surprised they let you through security. I guess those scanners can't detect half-baked, policitcal ideology, hmm?
(Stan laughs, forcefully)
Hayley: You're lucky. As a cockroach, you'll actually survive the nuclear war you're working so hard to incite. (Walks away)
Stan: (Laughing) I've already forgotten what she just said.
Bullock: (To Hayley) That's right, little girl. Run along. Go play Ultimate Frisbee with your drum circle and leave politics to the adults.
Hayley: You know, I actually don't play frisbee. I guess the CIA got their intel wrong... again.

Hayley: Dad, do something!
Stan: (To waitress) So what, exactly, is a frittata?
Hayley: Dad!
Stan: Hey, I'm hungry. This guy rode me like an animal for 3 hours! Do you have any idea what that's like?
(Pause, Hayley glares)
Stan: And now I'm not hungry.

(As Fred leaves his office with a box of his stuff)
Stan: Hang in there, Fred. You're going to beat this.
Jackson: We're rooting for you, buddy.
Dick: Remember, "terminal, fatal, inoperable" - just words.
(Fred's elevator door closes, others rush into his office)
Jackson: Hole puncher is mine!
Dick: I got the stapler!
Jackson: Dibs on his medical marijuana!
Dick: Hey, Stan, don't you want some of Fred's stuff? It's not contagious.
Stan: Oh, I'm getting the biggest prize.
Jackson: His wife?
Stan: His job. I've been working Bullock for that promotion since Fred's first nosebleed.