American Dad!

Jack: Hello, Stan! Long time, no partially see!

Stan: (To Jack) Daddy, now let's find that uranium you told me about.

(When Stan and Francine are locked in the little glass room in the basement) Stan: Roger, get us out! Roger: Yeaaah, I'm gonna have to check with Jack on that. Francine: Roger, he's not coming back! Roger: He'll be back! He'll send for me!! (Runs out of the basement and turns the lights off) Stan: Francine, do you even like Roger? Because I think we've done enough for him.

Stan: (To Jack) Dad, look!! (Stan is hanging upside down, Jack continues to ignore him, Stan falls) Stan: (Sadly) Dad, you missed it.

Roger: (To Francine) Well, if the Jack-anater says you're a spy, then you're a spy.

Stan: (To Francine) Dad's taking me on a mission! But first we're going to get some cheeseburgers and milkshakes! Are you jealous? Yeah, you're totally jealous!

Stan: Francine, you were right. My dad's a thief and a con artist. I'm just a sucker in an itchy turtleneck. And what I did to you, go ahead, punch me in the face. Francine: Oh, Stan. (Hits him with a lamp) Stan: Ow! I said punch, not lamp. Francine: That's for locking me in the basement without giving me any laundry to fold! You know how I hate down time! Stan: Take pity on me. My whole pathetic life's been based on a lie. I'm a nobody. (Francine hits him with a lamp again) Stan: Ow! Stop it!

Jack: Can't you just let me go, son? After all, I let you go, and you were just a baby. Stan: All right. But the jewels stay with me, and this is your last robbery. Jack: You have my word. Goodbye, son. Stan: Wait a second. Where are my keys? Jack: (In Stan's car) I swear on my grandchildren, this car is the last thing I ever steal! (Stops car, breaks parking meter, and takes all the coins)

Jack: Sorry, Stan. I can't go to jail. You know what they'd do to my eye socket in there?

Stan: I can't believe you chose a life of crime over the most precious jewel of all: a son's love. Jack: Oh, hold on a second. (Grabs cell phone) Hello, French Riviera? Yes, can I buy a chateau with my son's love? Stan: Yes, yes, we all know the bit.

Jack: Stan, it's time I told you the truth. I didn't come to town just to see my grandchildren. The fact is, I'm retiring. Stan: Dad, no! You can't! So many people will be left unkilled.

Roger: Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do a hundred. Hayley: Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather? Roger: No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?

Jack: Now, scare me up some bourbon, spaceman. Roger: God, not even a "please." Treat me like a doormat, why don't you? I'll be right back. (Runs off giggling)

Bullock: Good God, there's a bomb in my office! Stan: Oh, my God, it's a giant bomb! How fudge-making! CIA Agent #1: There's a bomb? CIA Agent #2: What's going on? CIA Agent #3: Someone brought fudge?

Grandpa Smith: And that's how I lost a testicle. Steve: Wow, Grandpa! I thought I heard every story there was about Betty Davis. (Roger walks in) Grandpa Smith: Ooh! What's that? A bugaboo? Steve: Roger, you're not supposed to be in here while Grandpa's visiting. Roger: Don't worry, Gramps. I'm just a faded memory of the girl you kissed on VJ Day, wandering through to get some Cheez-Its. Klaus: Hey, while you're in there, get me an Otter Pop. Alexander the Grape!

Stan: Oh, Dad, these eggs are the best. Francine, taste these eggs. It's like Dad plucked them from the ovaries of an angel.

Steve: Gentlemen, I made out with a chick -- she's an older woman. Snot: Yeah, how old? Steve: She's 80. Snot: Dude, she's got wrinkles. Steve: So do raisins, but those taste pretty sweet. Now, if you need me later on, check the retirement villa, apartment 2C. I'll be PoliGripping third base.

Francine: Hi, honey. Stan: Aw, Francine, Bullock stuck me with another pathetic assignment. I'm in a rut. My career is going nowhere. Roger: Well, if you need a place to go, how about the market? Oh, and, Francine, FYI: Cheese Nips are not the same as Cheez-Its. Why have a list if you're not going to follow it? (Throws box on ground and steps on it)

Stan: All the cool missions go to the young guys. Francine: Stan, maybe you're just having a mid-life crisis. You want to cheat on me? Stan: A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on! Francine: Listen, sweetheart, you have a stable job, an adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world. Stan: Oh. Oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. (Grabs phone) Hello? Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family. Francine: Oh, Stan, please. Stan: Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello? UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy.

Stan: Francine, I don't want to be a pencil pusher. I'm a killing machine. Francine: Oh, sweetie, I know. Why don't you just talk to your boss and tell him how you feel? Stan: That's perfect! I'll plant a bomb in his office and then diffuse it, so I can prove I've still got it.

Steve: Come on, guys, guess who I am! Hayley: Oh, uh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I don't care. Steve: It's Gavin from my algebra class. He's always doing this. Klaus: Well, you tell Gavin to pay attention. The students in China pay attention, and they outnumber us four to one. The Red Dragon awakens.

Steve: (Trying to "guess" Grandpa Smith) Um, um, okay, okay, uh, dead? L - Lifeless? Oh, Lindsay Lohan's eyes!

Father Donovan: (At Grandpa Smith's funeral) Okay, what do we got here? Ah, beloved Grandpa. Course. God forbid I get to spice up my day with a murdered stripper. Francine: Stan, maybe you should say a few words. Father Donovan: Great, thanks for landing this. I got tee time in, like, 20 minutes. (Leaves) Stan: So... tacos? Who wants tacos? I'm buying. Hayley: Gosh, Dad, you're not even gonna say anything about your own father? Stan: Oh, he didn't like tacos.

Francine: I can't believe you lied to me all these years. Stan: And the best part is, I'm still lying to you about a bunch of other stuff.

Hayley: So, you're a despicable CIA fascist like my father. Jack: No, doll face, I work for the Scarlet Alliance. It's more secret, more deadly, and everyone wears a turtleneck. Klaus: Sounds like a disco I used to frequent in Berlin. I did lines with Falco in the men's room. Greedy, greedy Falco.

Francine: Yeah. About your amazing dad. I still can't believe you kept this from me. Stan: But... he said not to tell. Francine: But I'm your wife. Stan: And he's my dad. That's nature's wife! Don't you get it, Francine? The whole reason I joined the CIA was to be like him. Francine: What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years? Stan: Only the manliest man in the world. Honestly, you should be having sex with him right now. He'd do you right. You want me to go get him? I don't think he's asleep.

Francine: You quit the CIA?! Stan: That's right! I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance. Francine: A chance?! You don't even have the job yet? What about your family?! Stan: Francine, this is my dream. My life will finally be rich with adventure. Francine: Oh! Adventure. Hold on. (Grabs phone) Hello? MasterCard? Do you accept payment in the form of adventure? Stan: But... Francine: (Still pretending to be on the phone) Hello? Colleges? I'd like to pay my son's tuition. I don't have any money, but my husband is rich in adventure! ("Hangs up") Stan: Well, what'd they say?

Jack: Okay, these are blueprints of the National Gallery of Art. Stan: Finally! All-out war against artists. I've longed for this day. Jack: No, Stan. Terrorists have smuggled uranium in a shipment of Egyptian artwork. Stan: Terrorists? You mean Al-Qaeda? Jack: Al-Qaeda? Please! Al-Qaeda wishes they could cater these guys' parties. We have to break into the museum and get the uranium before they do. Roger: No! It's too dangerous! You and I could be so happy together. Jack: What? Roger: I said, Cheez-It? (Walks away slowly)

Francine: (Answering door) Hello. Are you from a religion? Because we're happy with the God we have now.

Jack: Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman. Stan: Right, so we should pound on it for, like, two minutes? Jack: No, you've got to gently work the dials until she surrenders. And it opens.

Stan: (To his father, after shocking Francine) Dad, you missed it!