American Dad! Season 7 Episode 8

Bob Todd: You've kissed the raccoon. You're a real moonshiner now, you S.O.B. Go forth and brew my ancient elixir with these sacred jars.

Francine: (reading Santa's letter) You were lucky this year, Smiths. But I'll be back next Christmas to kill you.
Francine: Oh my God! It looks like we found our new Christmas tradition!

(during the shootout against Santa's elves)
Steve: Dad, there's too many of them!
Jeff: I wanna help, Mr. S.
Stan: You wanna help me? Stand here and shield me from arrows until you die.

Steve: What do we do? If that elf is right, Santa's gonna kill us in less than twelve hours.
Stan: OK. Look, maybe that wasn't a real elf. Maybe it's just some midge playing a trick. We all know how mischievous little people are. Most of them don't have jobs, which give them plenty of time to think of schemes.

Steve: Why did you have to give me a gun? I'll never pull another trigger as long as I live.
Stan: Relax, Steve. Part of gun ownership is killing people by mistake.

Stan: Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.