Stan: Hayley, the only thing I have to accept is that socially I can't wear mascara even though it makes my eyes pop like firecrackers.
Bobb Todd: Tried to turn to liquid energy on me and I waddn't havin' NONE OF IT!
Bobb Todd: I'ma go out there and shoot that fat turd in the belly!!"
Bobb Todd: I'ma let you drive my trans am just as soon as I fix the GOD DANG DRIVE SHAFT!
Bob Todd: You've kissed the raccoon. You're a real moonshiner now, you S.O.B. Go forth and brew my ancient elixir with these sacred jars.
Francine: (reading Santa's letter) You were lucky this year, Smiths. But I'll be back next Christmas to kill you.
Francine: Oh my God! It looks like we found our new Christmas tradition!
(during the shootout against Santa's elves)
Steve: Dad, there's too many of them!
Jeff: I wanna help, Mr. S.
Stan: You wanna help me? Stand here and shield me from arrows until you die.
Steve: What do we do? If that elf is right, Santa's gonna kill us in less than twelve hours.
Stan: OK. Look, maybe that wasn't a real elf. Maybe it's just some midge playing a trick. We all know how mischievous little people are. Most of them don't have jobs, which give them plenty of time to think of schemes.
Steve: Why did you have to give me a gun? I'll never pull another trigger as long as I live.
Stan: Relax, Steve. Part of gun ownership is killing people by mistake.
Stan: Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.
Francine: Look, I got wooden clogs to put around the tree. I'm starting a new Christmas tradition.
Stan: What's wrong with our old traditions? Like letting homeless people smell our napkins after Christmas dinner.
Roger's opening credits disguise: Tony (the jogging outfit) from the episode "Family Affair"
Bob Todd is the second person outside the Smith family (after Toshi) to know that Roger is an alien.
August Burns Red - "Carol of the Bells"
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