American Dad! Season 2 Episode 14

Jock #1: Did you hear what Vince Chung just said?
Jock #2: Yeah, he's so popular, you forget he's Asian.

Stan: Oh, my God!
Roger: Oh, my God!
Stan: My son's a slut.
Roger: I just made that bed.

(Francine's pager beeps)
Francine: Oh, it's work. Tell your father I'll be gone all night. Man, these hours are brutal. No wonder those doctors on Scrubs don't have time to be funny. (Leaves)
Klaus: I like Scrubs.

Johnny Four-Legs: That was amazing, Dr. Smith. Let me introduce everyone. You know Blind Jimmy. I'm Johnny Four-Legs. These are the twins -- Large Monty.
Large Monty: Hey, how you doing?
Johnny Four-Legs: And Little Tex.
Little Tex: Howdy.
Johnny Four-Legs: And that's Deaf Teddy. We call him Wheels. But it don't really matter what we call him, 'cause he's deaf. Ain't that right, Melissa?
Deaf Teddy: Nice to meet you.

Barry: But we're behind on our project for the science fair.
Stan: How do I say this nicely? (To Snot, Barry, & Toshi) Loser! Loser! Loser!
Steve: Dad!
Stan: I'm kidding! (To Snot, Barry, & Toshi) Not kidding!

Doctor: (Looking at Francine's "diploma") Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oh! Yeah, this degree is a complete joke. No one will ever hire you.
Francine: But you just said "Oh" like you were impressed.
Doctor: Yeah. Yeah, I did.
(Long pause)

Stan: Let's not panic. The CIA scientist gets back from vacation in a few days. So until I get the antidote, we just have to keep your magnificent ta-tas under wraps.
Steve: What am I supposed to do now?
Stan: Strap 'em down with these Ace bandages. It's what Hilary Swank used to hide her breasts in Boys Don't Cry. You know, that movie where she got what she deserved?
(Steve gasps)
Stan: An Oscar! And brutally sodomized.
Steve: Dad!
Stan: In a review by Derek Simms of the Detroit Free Press!

Steve: Damn your experimental steroids!
Stan: It's okay, Son. You're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage.
Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect all right. I have boobs!
Stan: Oh, my God!
Klaus: I know. Talk about a butter-face.

Francine: Well, today, I became a surgeon. My diploma.
Hayley: This is printed on the back of a Chinese take-out menu. You've clearly been scammed, Mom.
Francine: Doctor! I didn't go to school for 12 hours to be called "Mom!"

Stan: Son, I know a better way we can make you a better athlete and get you in with the cool kids.
Steve: Really? How?
Stan: Well, we could embark on a strict three-year training program where we'd spend lots of time together, bonding as father and son.
Steve: Oh, I'd like that.
Stan: Yeah, me neither. That's why you should take these steroids.

Stan: Come on, Coach! I didn't pay you to not play my son! Scared he's going to be too good? (Starts clucking like a chicken)
Coach Andrews: (Sighs) 30 years of smoking and I'm still alive.

Francine: Her film made me look like a boring housewife who's only good at cleaning.
Roger: Oh, that is an outrage!
Francine: Thank you, Roger.
Roger: You're a terrible cleaner. Look at this place. It's filthy!