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Stan: Look, honey, I'll make you a deal, you don't marry Jeff, and I won't bake you a roofie cake and tie your fallopians in a square knot.
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Roger: Why do my wrists hurt?!
Stan: Because you're lying on them.
Roger: How did you know what I was thinking?!
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Jeff: Were you close to your dad?
(Stan reminisces in his head)
Young Stan: Daddy, will you read me a story?
Stan's Dad: Who the hell are you?
Stan: Yes, I was.
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Roger: If I can't make friends with Jeff face-to-face, I'll have to do it the way fat people do: over the internet.
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Stan: (pulling open his shirt to reveal a wire) I always wear a wire.
Jeff: (earlier Jeff saw Stan in the shower, apparently shaving his chest) That's why you shave your chest? Ohhhhhh, Hayley must wear a muff wire.
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Jeff: Argh! Argh! Argh! Sorry, that's how I wake up.
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Roger: (after escaping from a burning barn) You know what I meant to ask you? How did we get out of there?
Stan: I think we did some sweet maneuvers from that movie Backdraft.
Roger: I never saw Backdraft.
Stan: Me either.
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Roger: (on the phone) Hello?
Klaus: Roger, it's me. Jeff and Stan are at Jeff's father's house in North Carolina.
Roger: Really?
Klaus: Yes. Now, in return for this information, you must give me...
(Roger hangs up)
Klaus: Nothing. If you had just waited for me to finish, you'd know I want nothing from you! (cries)
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Jeff: Wow, I can't believe you're taking me to a baseball game.
Stan: I know. I can't believe you believe that, either.
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Stan: Why can't Jeff live with his family?!
Hayley: He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born.
Stan: How... how could she do that?
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Stan: We can't choose our fathers, but we can choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit.