American Dad! Season 1 Episode 5

Stan: (is brushing his teeth, and breaks the toothbrush) Damn Chinese toothbrushes! You know, they can make a chicken taste like an orange, but when it comes to oral hygiene, they really phone it in.

Joan Collins: Slut!
Linda Evans: Slut!
Joan Collins: Slut!
Linda Evans: Slut!
Joan Collins: Slut!

Francine: But at the last minute, God told Abraham not to sacrifice his son it was all just a test of his faith.
Kid: My uncle's doing 25 to life for sacrificing his son.
Francine: Well... I hope he found God.
Kid: He sure didn't find him in my cousin's stomach.

(Stan holds gun to Roger's head)
Roger: All of this for a "fat-ass" comment?

Hayley: Tell them the story when Jesus gets denied by his fruity cereal.

(Bullock is over for dinner and they are seated around the dinner table)
Francine: Hayley, why don't you say grace?
Hayley: I don't believe in God, remember?
Steve: Well, you sure pray when Jeff is over. "Oh, God! Oh, God!"

Roger: (Screams) Well, that sounded effeminate.

Steve: (About Roger) I can't believe he's gone...
Francine: He's up in heaven now, bumming smokes off Jesus.

(Steve, Hayley, & Francine stand in front of Roger)
Steve: No, former dad!
Stan: Nobody threatens my family. Now, get out of the way or I'll shoot you all.
Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.
Gertie: (Hitting Stan with her umbrella) Leave her alone, you two-dollar Pai Gao whore!

Gertie: (To Stan, about Roger) Leave her alone, whitey!

Roger: Don't hurt me! I know it's a cliche, but I mean you no harm!
Stan: You're the alien? But they said you'd be bigger, and with claws.
Roger: Oh, I've got claws. Look how fat you are. See? Kitty can scratch.

Francine: We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?
Bullock: Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

Gertie: Call him a carpetbagger!
Roger: (On phone with Stan) You're a carpetbagger, Stan! You know that? (To Gertie) What's that?

Roger: (As he drinks alcohol from a flask behind the Oval Office desk) Hey, look! I'm Kitty Dukakis in an alternate timeline!

Father Donovan: Look, according to the church, there are no pets in heaven. Eligible for heaven, you got your men, women, children, and apes who use sign language. Not going to heaven, you got your pets, your dinosaurs, your smart types, and self-aware robots. You ever seen Blade Runner? No, of course you haven't.

Roger: God, who do you have to probe around here to get a chardonnay?

Bullock: We've got to blow this door. Prepare the door blower! (Softly) We really should find a better name for that.

(Roger calling Hayley on the phone)
Roger: Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
Hayley: Roger?! Whoa! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences?
Roger: Oh, right. It's past noon, you're already high. Let me talk to the fish.
Hayley: Oh my God! You're really alive?!
Roger: Yes, and I've somehow acquired a nasty, old, racist sidekick. I'm at the Smithsonian. You got to come get me!
Gertie: There you are. You send me to get you a churro, and then you disappear. Anyway, here's your filthy, wetback donut.
Roger: (To Hayley, on the phone) Hurry!

(Looks at two prostitutes arguing & slapping each other on a corner)
Stan: This reminds me of something. (Gasps) Dynasty! (Gets in car) CIA! To the Smithsonian! Drive! Wait. This is my car. Even better!

(Stan drinking piping-hot coffee)
Bullock: (Referring to Roger) Our analysts have confirmed this creature is none other than the alien that escaped from Area 51 four years ago.
(Spits coffee in someone's eyes)
Man #1: Ah! My eyes!
Stan: He's alive.
Bullock: Naturally, recapturing this fugitive is our top priority. Then we can track down the bastards that have been harboring it and punish them brutally.
(Stan spits coffee at someone again) I mean really brutally. Weird stuff. Butt stuff. (Stan spits coffee at someone again) Somebody take Smith's coffee.

Gertie: Wow, the oval office. Just think of the history that's been made behind that desk.
Roger: Not to mention under it.

Therapist: (About Roger) How do you feel?
Stan: I guess I feel kind of... sad?
Therapist: And do you know why?
Stan: Because I... miss him?
Therapist: No, because... you're a lady!
(Everyone laughs)
Stan: I am not a lady!
(Stan leaves, slams door)
Therapist: Wait, Stan! You forgot your purse.
(Stan re-enters room)
Stan: Oh, I swear I'd lose my own head if... Hey! I don't have a purse!

Steve: Don't you have any feelings?!
Stan: Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.
Steve: You're a monster! I have no father!
Stan: I'm not a monster.
(Skull falls out onto the floor from fire oven, Stan kicks it back in)

Hayley: (Referring to Roger) Dad, I think he's dead.
Stan: Well, then I guess he wouldn't mind if I poked him in the eye with a fork. (Stan pokes Roger in the eye with fork, pulls eye out, everyone screams) Yeah, he's dead.

(Roger watching "Dynasty" on TV)
Joan Collins: (Slapping each other) You bitch!
Linda Evans: Bitch!
Joan Collins: Bitch!
Linda Evans: Bitch!
Roger: God, they sure knew how to write female characters back then.

Kid #1: (About Hayley) She's a harlot!
Kid #2: They should be stoned!
Jeff: Way ahead of you, kid.

Stan: Deputy Director Bullock, I had no idea you were watching. Glad I could be so impressive. I'll take my victory muffin now. Make it... bran.
Bullock: I'm afraid your usual muffin's been earmarked for someone else.
Duper: Hi, Agent Duper. Big fan.
Bullock: Agent Duper not only bested your time, he did so with a far better catchprase.
Stan: What, better than "shock market"?
Bullock: Duper?
Duper: (Grabs a grenade, pulls pin, in a Ricky Ricardo-type accent) Lucy, you got some 'sploding to do.
(Duper throws grenade behind him, explodes in the background)
Stan: Oh, we're doing accents now?