American Dad! Season 1 Episode 3

(Steve has been kicked in the groin by one of the girls he is asking for a bra)
Snot: How's your bra quest going?
Steve: (smugly) Making progress. A girl just groped me with her foot.

Stan: These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our times. (pointing out the various wigs) The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan, the Maria Shriver.... (looks directly at the audience) Stay tuned.
Hayley: Those are horrible!
Stan: Hey! Girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice!

Stan: (To a stripper in a sheep-herding outfit) Hey, Bo Peep! I know where you can find your sheep: in hell!

Hayley: Jeff's here. Later.
Stan: Who's Jeff?!
Hayley: My boyfriend, don't wait up.
Stan: Boyfriend? How can she be old enough to have a boyfriend? She still wets her bed.

Stan: Hey, turn down that rap music! It's a bad influence! I swear, yo, shorty be leaning on my last nerve.
Francine: Well, what do you expect? You shaved her head in her sleep, and putting her hand in that bowl of warm water that was just overkill.
Stan: I wanted to see if it works, it totally does.

(Hayley sits down in the passenger seat of Jeff's van)
Jeff: My mom had me right where you're sitting.
(Hayley looks down with disgust)

Steve: (After Hayley walks in bald) Whoa, nice dome. You're almost as ugly as Roger.
Roger: I'm not ugly! Am I?

Stan: (As Hayley's stripping) Woo! Yeah! Shake it, baby, you will not break it!
Francine: It took me nine months to make it!

(Hayley hangs upside down on pole, wig falls off)
Man #1: Oh, man, that's gross!
Man #2: Yeah, that's the one place you want them to have hair.

Stan: (To clown) How much longer do I have you for?
Clown: Two hours.
Stan: Go read to my wife.

(Hayley is stripping in front of a guy)
Man: Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy?
Stan: I am!

Francine: (Gasps) Hayley's working at a booby bar?! And she traded shifts with Tina?! What does Tina have to do that's so important? Oh, wait, this isn't about Tina! (Gasps) This isn't about Tina! It's never been about Tina.

(At a party)
Hayley: Jeff, you were so good at dinner.
Jeff: Babe, we're good together. Which is why I was thinking you should move in with me.
Hayley: Whoa. It's only been three weeks. Besides, I don't think my dad would be too happy with that.
Jeff: Babe, your dad digs me. I can tell he wants us to be together.
(Two guys hired by Stan enter through ceiling window, kidnapping Hayley)
Guy: Great, now it's officially a sausage fest.

(To his friends)
Steve: No, no, no, you know what? Not only am I going to that dance, but I'll bet each of you 20 bucks that I also get boob.
Snot: Bring back the bra to prove it?
Steve: I'll do you one better -- I'll wear it back. (Pause) No, actually, I'll just bring it.

(Stan is lying on the bed)
Francine: Stan, you're so stressed. You want me to make you happy with my mouth?
Stan: Yeah, I guess so.
(Francine starts blowing raspberries in Stan's stomach, Stan laughs)
Stan: Ah, that helps a little.
Francine: Stan, maybe you'd feel better if we met this boy. Why don't we have him over for dinner so you can get to know him?
Stan: That's brilliant, Francine. Now rephrase it so it sounds like my idea.

(Stan is disguised as a Russian at a grocery store)
Stan: (In Russian accent) Paper or plastic?
Hayley: Burlap.
Stan: (In Russian accent) I, too, share your annoying concern for the environment.
Hayley: Dad?
Stan: (In Russian accent) No, no. I am former communist named Petrov. Like you, I embrace insane left-wing philosophies which are best discussed in comfort of parents' home.
Hayley: Dad, leave me alone.
Stan: (In normal voice) All right, I've had enough of this. You're coming home with me right now or else.
Hayley: Or else what?
Cashier: That'll be $38.40.
(Stan takes Hayley's credit card)
Hayley: Hey!
Stan: Or else you can't use this. Your mother and I gave you this card, and I can damn well take it back.
Hayley: Fine, I don't need your money.
Stan: Good, 'cause I'm completely cutting you off.
Cashier: Petrov, go restock that stuff.
Stan: (In Russian accent) Can't Susan do it? I on break in, like, two minutes.

(Pinning Jeff against his van)
Stan: How could you let Hayley do this?!
Jeff: Do what?
Stan: Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Ho's, her Ding Dong's, her Suzie Q's, her... her... uh... aw, God, what... what are those called... ? Those little, uh... pink with coconut... ? They're really good...
Jeff: Her Sno Balls?
Stan: You bastard!

Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stan: Smelly and ungrateful, but this American toast is delicious.

(Hayley walks in with green hair)
Roger: Wow, Hayley, some dye job. (Laughs) The carpet matched the curtains.
Francine: What'd you do to your hair?!
Hayley: I dyed it at a Green Party rally.
Stan: You missed family game night for that? Go wash it out! You look like a slutty wad of money.
Hayley: No way!
Stan: (Points gun at Hayley) Yes way!
Francine: Stan!
Stan: She started it!

Jeff: Hey, I just hope one day, I, too, have a daughter who's as smart and wonderful as Hayley.
Francine: Aww... isn't he sweet, Stan?
Stan: He sure is. Next time I'm out of Jolly Ranchers, I'm just gonna suck on Jeff.