American Dad!

Hayley: But you were paralyzed by a gun. Stan: No, I was paralyzed by you. Look, I'm not going to point fingers here, because I can't. Because of you.

Stan: Hey, don't worry about me. I'm still your same old dad. What's that sound? Oh, I'm peeing. Fantastic!

Hayley: (Hears laughter) What the hell! That's the burglar! Dad staged the whole thing! Francine: Yeah, I get it, Hayley. I'm unrape-able, not stupid.

Hayley: I'm such a hypocrite! Francine: Honey, he was robbing us. And he was gonna force himself on me. Hayley: He said that? Francine: Well, no, but I assume. (Hayley glares) Francine: What? You think I'm not attractive enough? That-That what? That he's just skip me and go straight to you? Well, aren't we conceited?

(Gunshot is heard) Hayley: I... I shot him. Stan: Murderer! Just kidding. You saved the family, kiddo. Pizza? Let's order pizza.

Stan: Look, the NGA is the only thing in my life that means anything to me. Francine: (Coughing) Ahem. Stan: What, are you getting sick? Don't come near me! I can't afford to get sick!

Hayley: NGA Land? A gun park?! Stan: Yeah, Sugar Mountain closed down years ago. This is basically the same thing, except instead of riding a choo-choo through Fairy Book Land, you'll ride a bullet through a mugger's chest.

Francine: The point is, there was a time when you two weren't always fighting. Hayley: That was before I knew Dad was a gun-toting maniac. Stan: Beatnik! Hayley: Warmonger! Stan: Chupacabra! Hayley: I'm the Mexican Bigfoot? Stan: You heard her! She admitted it!

Stan: See? Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Guns defend people against people with smaller guns. Hayley: You're such a fascist! Stan: Peace pusher! Hayley: Murderer! Stan: Hermaphrodite!

Terry: (On TV) Our top story, a car was broken into Cherry Street this afternoon. My car. The suspect was six-foot two and a bastard!

Stan: Before we adjourn, let's recite the NGA Oath. Hold hands. Come on, it's not gay, there's guns in the room.

Roger: What the... Hey, that was my cookie! Steve: You snooze, you lose. Roger: "You snooze, you lose," huh? Hmm, okay. Eat up. (Narrows eyes) Eat... up.

Francine: Oh, sweetheart, don't be so dramatic. Besides, aren't you having fun cooking with mommy? Hayley: I'm not "cooking with mommy." Dad handcuffed me to the oven.

Roger: Did you save me a cookie? Francine: You bet I did. Last one. Roger: Oh, cookie, you look so good. Shh, shh, don't speak. I'll go get some milk for your bath.

Stan: Hey, son. Steve: Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! (Knocks bookshelf on Stan) Stan: (Feels nothing due to being paraplegic) Somethin' on your mind, champ? Hayley: Steve, what are you doing?! Steve: Something we've both wanted to do for years, "sis." (Brings his sister into a passionate tongue-kiss, much to her dismay) Roger: (To a dazed Hayley) Oh, my God! Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy!

Roger: Hey, you're in my seat. Hayley: Sorry. Early bird gets the worm. Roger: "Early bird gets the worm," huh? Huh. Enjoy the seat. (Close-up to him narrowing his eyes) Enjoy... the seat.

Stan: (After getting shot) Hayley... tell Roger... he's annoying. (Collapses)

Hayley: Look, Dad, now that you can't work at the CIA, have you given any thought to what you want to do with your life? Stan: I sure have. I want to make a difference. I want to be an activist. Hayley: Really?! Oh, that's great, Dad! (Hugs him) Stan: Thanks, honey. Come on over here and give your dad a hug. (Briefly surprised, Hayley steps in front of Stan and gives him another hug)

Steve: These people aren't rich. Look at their house. It's a box!

Stan: (About the ride) You come out the exit wound! Whee!