American Dad!

Klaus: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made, for years my conduct has been largely benign and yet without provocation you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flame of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now... go and begin your life of fear, knowing, that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crush down upon you cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the wrong fish!

(while Steve is holding the dead bald eagle) Stan: Steve, go mail it to Donovan McNabb. See if he signs it.

Stan: Nothing says 'American Family' like raising the flag with your wife and two kids. Let Wednesday Begin! (shoots up in the air, shooting down a bald eagle) Stan: (as Steve holds up the dead bird) Look at that bald eagle, kids. Majestic.

Greg: Do you know how many babies a year are born without an anus? Terry: That's it. No more WebMD for you!

Stan: I thought I saw every episode of Star Trek. Wait, is this Deep Space Nine? Because I won't watch that. It's garbage, and I'll tell you why. One... Francine: Stan! This isn't science fiction. This is real fiction and I think it's fantastic.

Stan: Lily, you have fantastic children, a beautiful home. I can't wait to meet your husband and shake his hand. Al: (to Lily) Hi, honey. Ah, I see you found him. Stan: (shakes Al's hand) Sir, I must tell you, you have a lovely family. You're a lucky man. Al: Uh, actually, "Al" is short for "Allison." I'm a woman. Stan: Right, right. You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but his breasts weren't as luscious your... Holy ****! You're a woman! Al: Yes, Lily is my partner. We're a lesbian couple. Stan: Oh, my God! Does Al know?

Francine: I can't believe your father would do something like this! Hayley: I can. Francine: Yeah, I guess I can, too. I don't know why I said that.

Greg: (to Francine) I can't believe you still haven't told him you're pregnant. Terry: I can't believe Stan hasn't noticed. Francine: I can't believe a lot of things: that there's life on Mars, that someone's married to Larry King, that the Harlem Globetrotters have never lost a game...

Francine: I'll do it. Terry: What? Francine: I'll carry your baby. Greg: Really? Francine: It makes perfect sense. I live right across the street and both pregnancies were a breeze for me. Doctor says I have a big spongy cervix. Oh, listen to me bragging about my vagina. It's last week's PTA meeting all over again.