American Dad!

Stan: You there! What day is this? Boy: The day? Why, it's Christmas day, sir. Stan: That's fantastic! Now get the hell off my lawn!

Stan: I've got it all wrong! Sutherland pushed her into politics! He's the one I have to kill! (Turns and gasps when he see Sutherland standing right next to him) Donald Sutherland: What did you say? Stan: Um... Donald Sutherland: Are you here to give Jane her massage? Stan: Yes. That seems pretty fun. (Stan enters Fonda's dressing room and closes the door) Stan: (Inside) Alright, Ms. Fonda. Lie down. You can finish that cat food later.

(The crowd are told that the function at the square is cancelled because the land is public and isn't an appropriate place for religious icons) Stan: What?! We're going to let the secularist non-believers dictate how we celebrate Jesus' birthday? (A man and his family walking past stop to talk to Stan) Man: Actually, I kind of see their point. I mean, if your not Christian, all this Christmas stuff might make you feel a little uncomfortable. Stan: (Angry) Oh, I cannot wait for the Rapture. (Points to the man) You're going to be left behind. (Points to the man's wife) You're going to be left behind. (Points to the man's baby) You're going to be left behind. (Points to the man's dog) You're going to be left... Francine: (Interrupts Stan) Stan, uh... post-Rapture... feel free to use our pool. (the man and his family start walking off) Francine: Uh, you know, if... if it isn't boiling.

Roger: Disco's Biggest Hits: 1974-1980? This tape is from the future! But that's impossible! On the other hand I am a spaceman working in Elane's... perhaps I should expand my mind view a bit.

Donald Sutherland: (To Faye Dunaway) You know, you should get involved in politics. Let's talk about it over drinks. Maybe at my place? Stan: (To himself) Let's talk about it over your brains. Maybe all over the place? (Laughs) Delightful.

Stan: Have you seen Donald Sutherland? Martin Scorsese: You might want to check between Fay Dunaway's legs.

Ghost of Christmas Past: You have to help me. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past and I took your husband back to 1970 and he bolted on me. Francine: You lost my husband in the past?! Ghost of Christmas Past: Look, if a mom takes a kid to the mall and loses the kid, do you blame the mom? (Francine gives her a look) Ghost of Christmas Past: No, no, you don't, no!

(at the 99¢ Depot store) Stan: One of your items, please. Clerk: How about this cassette? Stan: Is it 99 cents? Clerk: It's $1.07 with tax. Stan: You ever think about changing the sign? Clerk: It's not really up to me. Stan: Well, Merry Christmas. Clerk: Happy holidays. Stan: I, uh, said Merry Christmas. Clerk: Happy holidays. Stan: Just say Merry Christmas. Clerk: Management doesn't want us saying that. Stan: (pulls out his gun, points it at the clerk's mouth) Just say it! (Stan gets thrown out of the store) Stan: I had a gun. (throws his gun out in gift wrap paper) Security Guard: Happy Holidays. Stan: Grrr!

Francine: Stan, did you remember to get a gift for Roger? Stan: Roger? He's not a Christian. You think he cares that 2,000 years ago our Lord and Savior was born in a mangler? Francine: Uh, I think you mean "manger." Stan: No, no, honey, you're thinking of "manager."

Stan: Ah, this is more like it. Two teenagers sitting on an old man's lap as a midget snaps a picture. If that doesn't commemorate our Savior's birth, I don't know what does. Hayley: This year, Santa smelled like whiskey and the midget smelled like pot. Steve: I know. When did they change it up?

Stan: Francine, I'm going to completely lose my Christmas cheer if I don't get someplace where they understand this holiday pronto. Francine: We can stop by church. Stan: I don't need to be bored, Francine. I need to be reminded of what Christmas is all about. To the shopping mall!

Francine: Well, isn't that cute. Roger's making a snow angel... a face down snow angel... in a pile of angel vomit. Hayley: He's passed out, Mom. He's been binge drinking since Thanksgiving.

Stan: There's no way I'm shooting Reagan, so we might as well start learning Russian. I wonder how you say, "Hold the door" in Russian?