It's none of your business how many domino-toppling competitions I have been kicked out of in my lifetime. That exact number is between me and the domino-toppling competition officials and for the record I am still appealing many of these decisions before the International Governing Board of Domino Topplers, who are known haters. But yes, it's true, I have been kicked out of several dozen domino-toppling competitions. For one thing, it is apparently considered "disruptive" to sneak up behind people and scare them while they attempt to set up their dominos. But in my opinion the REAL reason I've been kicked out of so many domino-toppling competitions has to do with MY BEAUTY and MY FLAIR. See, I think that domino-toppling is about much more than simply watching dominos fall. No, we ought to be keeping the crowds entertained, even when we're merely placing thousands upright dominos into elaborate patterns for the hours and hours beforehand. How do we keep a crowd's attention during this tedious process? NUDITY. That is the hands-down best way to make the domino set-up process as entertaining as the pay-off. That is also why I'm in jail now.
I can't remember why I decided to share this anecdote with you just kidding here's why: "The Axeman Cometh" was a set-up episode! Definitely the least eventful episode of the season so far. But that doesn't mean it was boring. No, in addition to setting up the season's various storytelling dominos, this episode kept us very entertained with BEAUTY and FLAIR and BUTTS. Let's talk about it!
So, as the title sorrrrta implied, this episode heavily featured somebody called Axeman and he was played by Danny Huston (whose IMDB page lists him as playing "Creepy Villain" in every single thing he's been in). Axeman was from the olden days of New Orleans and he played saxophone and kept an ax in his sax case and he loved typing letters to the whole town telling them to listen to more jazz or he'd murder them with an ax. Keep this whole scenario in mind next time someone tries to tell you that the internet is ruining the world. People were constantly doing crazy stuff like this in the olden days because they were BORED.
Anyway, the Madame Robichaux Academy for Sassy Witch Tricks was definitely operating around the time of the Axeman and the most popular member was Meryl Streep's daughter and Meryl Streep's daughter was NOT happy about the Axeman going around chopping up ladies. It was wrong and rude and she aimed to fight back.
So one fateful evening, Meryl Streep's daughter made sure that the house WASN'T playing jazz.
And right when the Axeman cameth, this happened:
All the witches put on robes and stabbed him SO MUCH. That was honestly the most amount of stabbing I've seen since my Labor Day barbecue (long story). But yeah, Axeman died.
Meanwhile in modern day, Zoe was pawing through Madison's things like an agitated racoon. (Um, the fact that Madison owned a tiny handgun with a pearl-encrusted grip made me miss her a thousand times more. Now THAT is a lady.)
So then a bottle rolled across the floor and Zoe discovered a hidden chamber at the back of the closet containing so much exposition. In this case it was a lot of pictures of previous witches who'd lived there, especially witches that were Meryl Streep's daughter. This discovery made Zoe suddenly feel very militant and prideful of her witch ancestry, and it especially made her want to GET CRUNKED.
I guess because witches should only use a Ouija Board when they are completely messed up on absinthe, suddenly the academy's top three students were doing shots! And it was AMAZING. I mean:
ALL THE BEST FACES.
Anyway, the Ouija-ing went about as well as you'd expect.
It turned out the Axeman was a Chatty Cathy! At some point the girls realized they didn't even have to keep their fingers on the shot glass (?) and Axeman just kept on yammering about whatever. It's like, relax, Axeman. Finally Queenie just slapped that shot glass off the table and into the fireplace because ENOUGH.
I agreed with Queenie in this situation. A good rule I like to live by is to not have conversations with people named Axeman, especially not via Ouija Board. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I was raised right.
Meanwhile Fiona got chemo and cried and read everybody's thoughts and told a definitely dying lady that the definitely dying lady was going to be fine and should spend all her money on a super nice dress. It made me VERY emotional for real, but not as emotional as I got when I realized Fiona would barely be in this episode. Okay bye Fiona, we'll check in with you later.
So after the girls Asked Jeeves about the Axeman, Zoe truly outdid herself with bad thinking skills. She decided that they should "release" Axeman's ghost into the real world in exchange for information about what happened to Madison. PERFECT idea! Oh, Zoe. Weren't there any OTHER ghosts chillin' in that mansion? Specifically not ones named after ax murder?
So anyway, one quick Ouija session later and Zoe was suddenly on a corpse hunt in the attic.
Which, YAY! Finally somebody found Madison. But whoops, look behind you girl!
Don't worry, it was just Spalding and his fingernails. Zoe simply hit him over the head with a doll and he passed out. Spalding is not in very good shape, to be honest.
This image probably should not have made me laugh but IT DID:
Hahaha poor Cordelia. Now that she was out of the hospital she was basically Mister Magoo-ing it all over the house. Not only that, but anytime somebody touched her she'd see ALL THEIR SECRETS:
Ugh, this guy. To be fair, at this point Cordelia only saw that he'd had a sexual escapade with a redheaded lady and had not yet seen the murder part. Cordelia's powers were still kinda janky, let's be real. I mean, the murder part should've shown up first, but then again I'm not Professor of Psychics. (Not anymore.)
Anyway, after banishing her husband from the room, Cordelia tried to regain her composure only to experience the exact same thing with Fiona:
Haha tough day, girl. Yeah, Cordelia was not happy about suddenly finding out her family friend Myrtle had been BURNT AT THE STAKE. I know that whenever *I* find out my family friends have been burnt at the stake it is VERY annoying to me and sometimes ruins my entire afternoon.
This was absolutely disgusting. The girls tied up Spalding and grilled him for answers about Madison's murder, and via Nan's mind-reading abilities we had to listen to him give long creepy speeches about making love to teenagers. Is there such a thing as a mental tongue, because somebody PLEASE cut that one out too.
I did enjoy when Queenie pressed a hot spatula to her own face and made him pass out. Queenie is truly a gift.
Speaking of gifts:
That's right, Misty Day (LOL) was enjoying a splendid afternoon in her swamp garden just watering her charred, undead corpses. And let me tell you something, we couldn't see her face, body, neck or head, but it was obvious that Myrtle was LOVING IT. And look who decided to pay them both a visit!
Oh, hi Kyle! Despite the fact that Kyle had been sexually assaulted by his mother for several decades and then was torn apart by a flipping party bus and then resurrected by teen witches and then had murdered his mother with a soccer trophy and also had been wandering around in the swamplands for the past few weeks, he was looking pretty good? Still though, he definitely needed a full naked sponge bath and Misty Day was BOUT IT.
Unfortunately for some reason Kyle did not like it when matronly women got close to his crotchal area, and he was forced to go on a naked wet rampage!
That's right, he even broke Misty Day (LOL)'s 8-track player (and Stevie Nicks cartridges) and it was the most devastated we've ever seen her look. And by the way, we've seen her burn at the stake. This was even more intense than that. Poor Misty Day! (LOL though.)
Fortunately Zoe arrived so Kyle stopped breaking everything and instead gave her a wet naked hug. Unfortunately for Misty Day (LOL), Zoe needed a favor.
First off, it was very very hilarious when Misty Day didn't want to help revive Madison because Madison was too rotten/dead and instead offered to help bury her. Haha I love how Misty Day was just OVER IT lately. Now that her 8-track was broken, so was part of her soul. Stop bothering Misty Day with all your resurrection needs, everybody. She is a person too!
Anyway, she did end up helping.
A bug crawled out of Madison's mouth and then she sat up and asked for a cigarette (Madison, not the bug). Perfect. Welcome back, girl! (You don't look great, but that's probably because of society's impossible standards of beauty and also your face is rotting off.)
Another reason why Misty Day (LOL) is kind of the best: She stole all the bagels and then immediately bounced because she could tell there was an Axeman ghost in the house and she was NOT about to deal with that tonight.
OH, so this was quite a reveal:
Cordelia's husband is a witch hunter! Who'd been hired by Marie Laveau to murder all the descendents of Salem, and he'd only married Cordelia to get the inside track on all the witches he needed to murder. I guess the angry sex he'd been having with his victims was just part of the witch hunting M.O.? I don't know and never will.
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT MARIE LAVEAU'S ANGRY SPEECH. Specifically how many Emmys Angela Basset should win for it. A thousand? A thousand-thousand? All of them from now on? I rewound and watched this part four times because it was the best thing I've seen in my whole life. First of all, Cordelia's husband got TOLD OFF. Secondly there is no secondly. HE GOT TOLD. Oh man was I laughing. The thing I will always love about this show is how talented and high-class the actors are, and how they give 100% percent always, no matter what the material is, even if that material involves calling Kathy Bates a cracker. This whole speech is my ringtone now! (Hypothetically because nobody calls me.) It was the best. Angela Bassett is the best. MVP of the episode and maybe whole season.
Oh, and we even got a glimpse into the explanation behind that redheaded lady who got murdered: She'd been a witch with pyrokinesis skills and had interviewed with Cordelia about possibly attending the academy but opted out so that she could go home and troll Thomas Kinkade message boards. Also she once lit her boyfriend on fire.
Breakups are always hard, but especially when someone is accidentally lit on fire via witchcraft.
Quick request: Imagine being dead and then suddenly waking up to THIS SIGHT:
So, right away Madison was looking pretty good. However she was having trouble drinking ginger ale, not to mention remembering how she'd died. Fair enough. Those memories were probably eaten away by potato bugs.
Meanwhile Cordelia was having a rough evening. First of all she had a hard time finding her bed, and then she had a hard time swallowing pills and taking sips of water. We've all been there, girl! But also, an ax murderer ghost showed up to sexually harass her.
He chased Cordelia ALL OVER. But as a blind lady, her only defense was running around and breaking all the furniture and shrieking and whatnot. That's how the rest of the girls realized that Axeman had cometh, so they decided to run downstairs and find a magic spell to get him off Cordelia's back. But HOW would they find the right one?
Zoe now had another new power: Psychically predicting what books say!
So they joined hands, did the spell, and Axeman disappeared. I loved this part when the girls ran up to comfort Cordelia and she did this:
Haha sorry, I know blindness is no laughing matter but I am LAUGHING THOUGH.
Anyway, it turned out the spell Zoe had read actually served to release Axeman out into society where he could ax everybody!
And look whom he sidled up next to up in the club!
Oh, Fiona. I mean obviously she is in zero danger because Fiona is a #WINNER. But earlier during chemo she'd been openly praying that she could still find the love of her life someday, and it looked like she'd immediately gotten her hopes up over Axeman. Uh-oh, looks like Fiona's probably going to get her HEART axed now. Poor Fiona.
That was the cliffhanger, folks! See what I'm saying, not a ton happened in this episode, mostly setup. We DID learn what Cordelia's husband was up to. We also welcomed Madison back to the realm of the living. Plus Kyle's #butt. So all in all a very worthwhile episode! Let's see where this goes.
... What did you think of Zoe's decisions this week?
... Did you feel bad for Misty Day when her 8-track player died?
... Was Marie Laveau's rant the best or the very best?
... Should older ladies stop trying to touch Kyle's junk in general?
AIRED ON 1/13/2016
Season 5 : Episode 12