Here is an intimate and sexy question for you: Do you remember the first time YOU had a three-way with a pair of undead abominations? Probably not; three-ways with a pair of undead abominations are a pretty common thing these days and we've all participated in so many of them that it's hard to keep track of the FIRST time. But believe me, there used to be a time when a three-way with a pair of undead abominations was considered unusual. Special, even. Personally, I am the world's oldest living man and I grew up in more conservative times. Back then parents didn't even deliver the birds and the bees and the three-ways-with-a-pair-of-undead-abominations talk until college, if at all. So many of us went blindly, carelessly into three-ways with a pair of undead abominations, just sort of fumbling around awkwardly among all those cold and floppy body parts. But it was a rite of passage, you know? Fortunately nowadays even popular entertainments talk openly and candidly about three-ways with a pair of undead abominations. Heck, Glee has devoted at least four episodes to this topic. So while American Horror Story: Coven was late to the game with regard to three-ways with a pair of undead abominations, this week's episode "The Dead" certainly deserves points for dealing with it in a heartfelt, sensible, and classy way. Finally, a portrayal of a three-way with a pair of undead abominations that the Parents Television Council can approve of. Kudos, show.
Just kidding, this episode smelled VERY weird, you guys. I know it is TV and therefore shouldn't smell but I definitely had to put eucalyptus rub under my nostrils like in Silence of the Lambs. But "The Dead" was also a VERY good episode. Everybody got laid, yes, but some people even got PLAYED. I liked "The Dead" a lot. Let's talk about it.
We started, as most things do, in a shady New Orleans tattoo parlor where a couple of dudes were getting bad tattoos while Kyle yelled at everybody.
In a poignantly ironic admission, Kyle claimed he didn't want to get some dumb tattoo because he had plans to become the next great engineer who would prevent Katrina 2.0 and you literally cannot do that with some stupid four-leaf clover on your inner elbow. Aw dang, he had such a future ahead of him. Now Madison's gonna feel ESPECIALLY bad about murderizing him with ESP.
Plus now he had to live with all the bad tattoo choices his friends had made. Yet another thing Madison was going to feel bad about probably. Why'd you pick those tacky-ass limbs, girl? I really hope she'll figure out SOME WAY to make up for these mistakes.
But just when Kyle's day could not get any worse, look who showed up:
It was Zoe! As we all know Zoe is no stranger to bad decisions or mercy-killing, but in this episode she seemed especially murder-thirsty.
But in addition to being murder-thirsty she was also belligerent-blonde-hunk-thirsty. So nope, Kyle would not be murdered this day.
Meanwhile, Madison gave a truly outstanding voiceover monologue in which she compared her current, numb-to-pain, undead state to her entire generation. Yes, it was an obvious comparison, but also sort of brilliant. Sometimes obvious things are brilliant, just ask a Push-Pop.
So Madison was wandering around the house eating all the food (without gaining weight!) and drinking all the potions and also burning her hand with a lighter. Typical Millennial behavior!
But then all of the food was gone, so Queenie and Delphine couldn't binge-eat in the middle of the night. That's how we arrived at THIS particular season/series highlight:
Haha oh man. First of all, whose minivan was that? (They just HAD to take a minivan, right?) But also we haven't gotten nearly enough "Delphine vs. modern society" scenes, so watching her be frightened by a drive-thru speakerbox really made me laugh. Also when she claimed that cheeseburgers were the greatest thing she'd ever tasted. I AGREED.
Also, again, I loved seeing these two become friends. But things took a turn for the uncomfortable when Delphine (astutely?) pointed out that Queenie was ultimately an outsider within her coven. I mean, sure, Delphine was a racist and terrible person in general, but what she said certainly seemed to strike a chord with Queenie. I don't know BRB cheeseburger time.
Then Cordelia knocked over everything on her bedside table so that she could answer the phone and slut-shame her husband.
But despite seeming super distraught, he also seemed super in the mood to murder witches. That is my theory anyway, just judging from his array of guns. Watch out, girl!
Meanwhile Cordelia's night got even worse when she almost fell down the stairs (careful, blindey!) and Madison caught her and then suddenly Cordelia knew all of Madison's secrets.
Specifically the one about Fiona having slashed Madison's throat. Whoops! Honestly, that looked pretty bad on Fiona's part. Kind of no getting around that.
Speaking of Fiona, she'd gone home with the Axeman to get her swerve on.
Honestly these two had a passion that could heat a fire. They were sexy as hell. Just kidding no offense but I was very bored here. I mean, Axeman, where is your axe? Fiona, throw somebody across the room or something. I don't want to see you two flirting, that is gross. Old people don't feel love or horniness, this is an outrage. Teens only!
Then Fiona went to the bathroom and her hair started falling out, which made her very un-horny.
Also there was a dead body in the bathtub. It was probably the owner of the apartment, which answered my question about why a man who'd been dead for a century had such a cool, chill apartment still. Sorry buddy, but the Axeman needed to get laid.
Even though Fiona was mad about her hair falling out, the Axeman grinded up on her and she got horny again and that was that. This part was basically like Red Shoe Diaries but without David Duchovny or sexiness.
Meanwhile Zoe put her gun away and decided to teach Kyle how to speak, specifically the difference between hamburgers and food, which was OFFENSIVE to me. Those are NOT separate things. Kyle agreed:
Yeah, he was just not having it. Beat it, Zoe. Let a more worldly lady take control:
Aw, this was sort of sweet: Madison and Kyle bonded over how horrible death was. No bright lights, no "peace." Just cold, dark emptiness. But because they were now not only undead but undead MILLENNIALS, they agreed that being alive seemed very similar to being dead. Oh get over it, kids. Go to college or something.
Meanwhile Queenie paid Marie Laveau a visit at her salon and backyard gumbo restaurant (?). This scene was obviously brilliant, because Angela Bassett is perfect in every way. But also because Marie Laveau was trash-talking Fiona's coven SO HARD.
Honestly, Marie Laveau's argument that Fiona had literally dug up one of the worst people in the history of the world was a pretty sound one. What kind of organization would be cool with that? So Marie Laveau cut Queenie a deal: She'd let Queenie live there if she brought LaLaurie over. What an interesting proposition!
But it wasn't as interesting as the 17-minute side-eye that Marie Laveau gave Queenie as she left. HAHAHA ANGELA BASSETT YES!!
Meanwhile Cordelia decided to make some tea and propose a new plan to Zoe.
Whoops, Cordelia was now officially in the mom-killing business! Which seemed pretty fair I guess. Fiona had done tons of terrible things and now Cordelia was the only one who really knew about them. Plus, now that Zoe was morphing into a biiiiiiit of a maniac, this was going to be one gruesome twosome!
THERE WE GO. How had AHS waited until EPISODE 7 for this moment? Two undead teens humpin' around all over the place! Uh-oh, I hope nobody gets undead pregnant. At this point all bets are off, except for the one about needing more deodorizer in that bedroom. That the bedroom probably smells terrible is the safest bet anybody could make.
Meanwhile the next morning Fiona and the Axeman were walking around the apartment like cowboys (because of so much sex) and she admitted she was fully aware of the dead guy in the bathtub, and he admitted he'd been creepin' on her since she was a child.
Like there was this one time when Fiona was a tiny girl and she was being bullied by a grown-ass woman, and the ghost of Axeman pushed a china cabinet onto the ol' meanie.
Also he loved to creep on her when she slept:
But guess what? Fiona was NOT turned on by this news. Having sex with ghostly axe murderers was fine in her book, but if that ghost had spent upwards of 60 years watching her undress, well, that was crossing the line. Honestly, I agreed with her here. Don't be creeps, ghosts!
Meanwhile Zoe's first step in the ruination and/or murder of Fiona was to deal with the mute butler situation. And to do that she first found his tongue in the secret witch closet (still wet and alive!) and brewed up some quick magic.
Man, what I wouldn't give for a swig of that doll-head soda. (Billion dollar idea: Doll Head Soda. To be sold at Hot Topic or whatever, I don't know. BRB going on Shark Tank.)
So anyway, Zoe placed the tongue back in Spalding's mouth so that he could talk, but he immediately sassed her! He sassed her so much! Which was a bold move considering he was a full-grown man wearing a chartreuse kimono. Anyway, his tongue was still enchanted and he had to tell the truth, so he admitted that Fiona had been the real murderer. Then Zoe murdered HIM.
Well, Spalding, you had a nice run. The nicest run. Just a great life doing wonderful things. You'll be missed deeply. Thoughts and prayers to Spalding's family.
Apparently Queenie was still mulling over Marie Laveau's offer, so she finally decided to confront Madame LaLaurie about what she'd done in her past. When asked what was the worst thing she'd done, LaLaurie described the time she murdered her #1 slave's newborn baby on account of her husband having fathered the child. Oh, and then she bragged about using its blood as a moisturizer, directly to the mother. ("Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's [the blood of a newborn]." —Maybelline)
I truly don't want to be controversial here, but I think LaLaurie was wrong to have done this and Queenie agreed.
There was this weird moment where Delphine seemed almost sympathetic as she pleaded that she came from "not only a different time, but a different WORLD." I am not a historian but I'm fairly sure most people of that time/world didn't use the blood of newborns for skin treatment and then gloat about it to the newborns' mothers. So part of me was like, "Oh, Delphine seems awful sorry," but then the rest of me was like "Whoa, is that first part of you insane or something? Is that other part of you having a stroke? Honest question." Anyway, yeah.
So after Zoe washed off all of Spalding's blood, Madison approached her in the bathroom to have a frank convo about corpse sex. I'm honestly not sure because I was so obsessed with the bathroom fireplace that I couldn't function. A BATHROOM FIREPLACE. How had I not noticed this before? Also: I WANT ONE. GIVE ME ONE. I want a bathroom fireplace right now. Right now. 'Tis the season! 'Tis the season for bathroom fireplaces. Why can't I be rich? Why? WHY?
Then Madison did this, and IT WAS ON.
HAHAHAH YES. Yes. Yes. And yes. A three-way with a pair of undead abominations. Is there anything sexier? Probably not. I will check on that, but probably not. Let's just say no.
Meanwhile Fiona's hair was still falling out and she almost buzzed it off but then she heard saxophone music and I guess got horny again so she went to the club and confronted her man.
Was the Axeman the love of Fiona's life? It sure was looking that way. Oh, Fiona.
Meanwhile Queenie lured LaLaurie to Marie Laveau's salon with the promise of a new weave. That's when Marie Laveau appeared STRIKING A POSE.
Then several huge dudes grabbed Madame LaLaurie and locked her in a cage, which has happened to the best of us, but not necessarily while we were wearing stretched-out Ed Hardy sweatshirts with bedazzled tigers on them. That has honestly never happened to me. #blessed
Then Queenie ran at her with a scythe because sure. Why not? Queenie had also once masturbated in front of a minotaur for little-to-no reason, so yeah, let's turn her into torture-master while we're at it!
And that's how we concluded with surely the most glorious image ever seen with human eyes:
You can't tell from a still image, but the facial expressions Angela Bassett was giving off in this moment were truly incredible. Have you ever seen so much fiery fury radiate from a human face? I couldn't decide if I was chilled to my bones or TURNED ON. Angela Bassett forever-ever-ever.
"The Dead" was another one of the great ones, guys. The bountiful cornucopia that is American Horror Story: Coven just keeps delivering week after week, and this episode had so many highlights. So many. More than enough to tide us over for two weeks. More than enough to provide talking points for Thanksgiving dinner. FINALLY we can have interesting conversations with our families. "Grandma Ruth, remember the minotaur scene?" "Little Maddie just loved that incest-retribution matricide!" "Everybody finish that pumpkin pie so we can revisit the three-way-with-a-pair-of-undead-abominations scene AS A FAMILY."
TRULY, HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
... Did you feel bad for Delphine?
... Wait, is Cordelia suddenly a BAMF now?
... Will Marie Laveau's friendship with Queenie be put to the test when she hears what Queenie did with her ex?
... Can zombies get pregnant?