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American Horror Story S03E11: "Protect the Coven"

When it comes to comedy-horror nightmare fiestas for the senses, American Horror Story: Coven is basically the Platonic Ideal. Not since the scene in Critters 2 when the giant ball of critters rolled over an old man and left behind a wet skeleton has there been such a perfect fusion of comedy and horror as this show. In most ways this season has been perfect and it takes a truly tiresome villain to disagree with this very accurate assessment. But one way in which AHS:C is STILL underrated is in its educational value. In many ways this show is basically an afterschool special, imparting tons of valuable knowledge to troubled youth like you and me. For example, this week's episode "Protect the Coven" contained at least one major lesson that I hope EVERYBODY took to heart: Ghosts are jerks! While it is true that 100 percent of supernatural creatures and probably close to 45 percent of ocean creatures and at least 75 percent of terrestrial creatures could also be classified as jerks, ghosts really take the cake. Which I mean literally, because again, ghosts are jerks and constantly take cakes or at least knock them off counters into the trash. Whether they're interrupting our sleep or breaking our valuables or moaning about solving their murders, ghosts are truly the worst. In "Protect the Coven" a ghost straight-up swindled a lady and then stole a baby! Honestly, I know for a fact that Ghostbusters isn't based on a true story, but you better believe I like to daydream about there someday being a world where ghosts are shot with lasers and sucked into traps. That is truly a world I'd like to live in one day.

Listen to me. We need to talk about this episode because A LOT went down and it will NOT discuss itself. Let's do it!


We began in olden times, back when New Orleans was nice and normal and slaves weren't being eviscerated in the attics or turned into minotaurs. But then suddenly Madame LaLaurie was trundling around in her backyard, complaining about not being in France anymore and also having to look at brown people. Uh-oh, an origin story!


Before we knew it, Madame LaLaurie was chopping heads off of chickens and getting her first taste of American-style murder. 


This was definitely some Early Serial Killer 101-type stuff. As we all know the next step after maiming animals is shoving fingers into a bleeding man's open wound. And that happened literally minutes later in the barn!




So there you had it. If you were at all curious how Madame LaLaurie had first come to torture and murder slaves, this was it. You were not curious and neither was I, but this show wanted to gross us out up-front and it did! Great job.


Meanwhile in modern times everybody was dressed in their funeral hats and saying a few words of remembrance for poor, sweet Nan, who was now in voodoo hell. Marie Laveau even wore her best turban!


(I mean, why should I even bother putting words on that image when HER FACE says everything already? Angela Bassett's face has always been a masterpiece, but especially in this episode, you'll see.)


Anyway, just as the funeral was drawing to a close, a couple of unexpected guests arrived.



Haha wow! Okay, so it turned out Queenie survived the shooting at Cornrow City and she had reattached Delphine's head and put her on a dog leash then Queenie put on HER funeral hat and they both showed up at the cemetery to complain about whatever but then Marie Laveau immediately slapped Delphine across the face because DO NOT step to Marie Laveau when she's in her best turban. It was a weird day at the cemetery.


Meanwhile in Atlanta the last two witch hunter dudes were scheming on a patio but even a dunce like me could tell that their plan was so stupid. The plan was basically to ask the coven for financial assistance and then TOTALLY murder them. Perfect plan! It was so perfect that Fiona and Marie Laveau already knew 100 percent what the dudes were up to and just kicked back holding their respective vices in front of their faces cackling about it.



At this point we got a fairly terrific voiceover monologue from Delphine about what it's like to fall from grace and be a servant to subhuman trash witches or whatever. 


It was funny how she did NOT approve of three teens sleeping on top of the same bed, like it was somehow more offensive to her than the systematic torture and murder of human beings. What I'm trying  to say is sometimes I think Delphine has strange moral priorities.


And then Madison refused to flush the toilet so Delphine put sh*t in the soup.



Quick question, when Queenie was forcing Delphine to watch tons of movies was one of those movies The Help


But yeah, despite Delphine crying while watching a movie about civil rights, her momentary lapse into empathy was definitely over. Because now everyone was treating her like wet beach garbage and making her do things like raise a baby and ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. 


Meanwhile Zoe used some detective magic and discovered the truth about Nan's murder!


Which, duh. I mean come on, guys. Was this ever in question? Did they think Nan was just bad at taking baths? Anyway, Zoe didn't do much with this info because then Madison busted in and demanded the use of Kyle's boner.




And he pushed her away! Which meant that this throuple was now officially a couple.


Unfortunately, Madison was NOT happy about it and she had the ESP to prove it:




And that's when Madison pretty much straight-up informed everybody that she intended to be Supreme and make everyone wear crotchless panties (as a uniform?) and they can all go to heck or whatever. Madison was VERY grumpy.


Then Axeman wanted Fiona to go move to the countryside with him and she seemed pretty into it. I mean who wouldn't want to move to the isolated wilderness with an axe-murderer flesh-ghost. Sounds great to me.


But Fiona had a mysterious request to ask first! What could it be? (Spoiler: We would find out later on.)


Oh boy this scene was really unpleasant hence the limited screengrabs. A gardener cut his hands on the hedge trimmers and Delphine offered to tend to his wound but instead tied him up in Spalding's doll room and cut off his toes and ripped out his intestines. It was not my idea of how to properly treat a wound, but who am I to judge? Anyway, then Spalding showed up and started paying Delphine tons of compliments and despite being a ghost, he wanted to team up with her to take down Marie Laveau.


So they made a deal! What was the deal you may be wondering? (Spoiler: We would find out later on.)

As for Queenie, she was back living in the white house but she was NOT happy about it. For her part Cordelia attempted to apologize for having married a witch hunter and bringing danger into everybody's lives. She also pledged that it would never happen again.



But Queenie was NOT having it and kicked Cordelia out of her room. Which, fair enough! I mean, Queenie was being a real dick, but on the other hand she was RIGHT? Cordelia had made tons of mistakes and Queenie had no obligation to let them slide.

That's when Cordelia decided she needed to take drastic measures in order to regain her psychic abilities. And it was AMAZING.




HAHAHAH. Oh boy. That was insane. She stabbed her eyes out! But it's not clear if this ploy will work or not. Will Cordelia wake up her old Blindy self again, and break all the plates and eggs but have tons of psychic visions, or will she just break all the plates and eggs WITHOUT the psychic visions? Either way I'm sure we're in for a treat.


So then Fiona came home from making so much sex with Axeman and she immediately knew what her daughter had done. But what she was NOT prepared for was a showdown with the coven's newest grand high SH*T-TALKER.


HOLY MOLY was Myrtle amazing in this scene. Just tossing off one brutal one-liner after another, calling Fiona out, calling her trash, just opening a fire hydrant of haterade directly into Fiona's face! It was really wonderful, I'm not kidding. Obviously I think Angela Bassett is the season MVP but I might even give this episode to Frances Conroy, that's how effortlessly brilliant she was. Fiona was SHUT DOWN. So good.


So meanwhile, Delphine had pawned half of the silver so that she could buy an antique doll for Spalding. (I'm starting to get the impression that Spalding is a weirdo.) In exchange, Spalding provided Delphine with what she would need to defeat an ancient voodoo priestess:


HAHAHA WHAT! He straight-up presented to her an open box of Benadryl IN A COVERED DOLL'S CRIB. And even more hilarious? Delphine legit believed the Benadryl was an actual magic potion and got this steely look in her eye like sh*t was about to go down.


I truly cannot believe how amazing this was. What a show. What a world.

Oh, and then another truly terrific scene:


Myrtle presented Zoe with one of her finest pieces of jewelry (but Zoe wasn't allowed to look at it, because its beauty would devastate her), and then Myrtle commanded Zoe to take Kyle and leave town for their own safety. She also gave a poignant speech about how she'd never really had love (well, just the one time with DIANE VON FURSTENBERG'S FUTURE HUSBAND!!). I mean, I am telling you this scene had one-hundred thousand things going on, with Myrtle just sending out amazing nuggets of info like she was firing a Tommy gun.


Zoe could barely keep up with Myrtle's speech, which necessitated Myrtle having to slap Zoe across the face real quick and it honestly helped. OH and then Myrtle gave Zoe two Greyhound bus tickets to f*cking EPCOT CENTER.


She presented the tickets in a wooden box. Two tickets to, again, Epcot Center. EPCOT!!

Who would even bother to argue with this? Was Myrtle the best guardian angel of all time? I would drop literally anything to immediately jump on a Greyhound to Epcot Center. Anybody would. Myrtle is the best.


Haha and then THIS scene happened. Fiona and Marie Laveau showed up at the witch hunter headquarters without bodyguards (a.k.a. LIKE BOSSES). Fiona requested a "filthy" martini and Marie Laveau asked for a DIET SPRITE obviously. Then the negotiations got underway.



And then after Fiona pretended to make a counteroffer the caterer took off his vest and opened his sax case and WHOOPS! It was Axeman!



He just axed EVERYBODY. And then this was the look on Marie Laveau's and Fiona's faces when he was going wild on everybody's butts:


PERFECT. And there was even this part where Axeman chopped off a man's ARM and then picked up the arm and fired the GUN that was still attached to it!


Honestly everything about this scene was breathtaking. Even at the end, when the main witch hunter guy sassed Fiona and drank a sip of tea and then spit on the ground in front of her.





Like, I am telling you, Marie Laveau's reaction shots were everything that is good in the world summed up in one woman's face. And yes, at the end she 'Grammed the carnage. Guys, my heart is swelling with love for this show right now. These people know what I'm talking about:


#ROMANCE


Later that night after Fiona took off to go do sex with Axeman, Delphine saw her opportunity to drug Marie Laveau's sparkling wine with Benadryl. It started to actually take effect! Marie Laveau berated Delphine and smacked her rump, but she eventually got loopy enough for Delphine to get out a huge knife and knife her!


But, you know, there's that whole thing with Marie Laveau being invincible, so.



Haha then Delphine sheepishly admitted that she believed Benadryl would neutralize Marie Laveau's powers and Marie Laveau looked downright bemused! Then she decided to chase after Delphine with the knife because fair is fair.




And then Spalding jumped out from nowhere and hit Marie Laveau on the head with a doll and she fell all the way down the stairs! As it turned out, he'd lied to Delphine because he knew Marie Laveau could not be killed, but he could at least try to get her out of the picture so that he could raise her baby by himself! Because yup, that was his plan all along! A creepy ghost wanted a voodoo priestess's baby.


So yeah, now apparently Delphine had to figure out a way to bury Marie Laveau permanently, and Spalding had a playmate. It's a touching story, really.


Okay this was actually touching. Zoe seemed ready to hit the road but Kyle didn't want to. It was because he was worried he'd go all Frankenstein-monster on the next person to tick him off. Which, if we're being real, would probably happen every 10 minutes at Epcot Center. Like, it's a wonderful place and all, but tourists can be real nightmares in that humidity. But Zoe hugged and kissed him and comforted him and convinced him everything would be okay and suddenly they were both running through the bus station!



It was really lovely! And look at what was going on in their facial regions:


WHAT THE HOLY HELL? What are they doing? What is happening to their mouths? Why are they shaped that way? Are they having strokes? The answer is no! Zoe and Kyle were SMILING. Out of happiness. They did it! Victory!

Except, the scenes from next week show them back at the coven, but whatever. Momentary victory at least! Guys, what a wonderful episode of television. I loved this episode. I hated the poo-eating and also the slave torture, but the rest was so overwhelmingly good that it's like who even cares? I don't have a lot more to say about it, it's all hyperbole from here on out. Best best best. Best.

Two more episodes! I'm already readying my last will and testament because I will probably die without this show.

OH LAST THING: So, allegedly Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk have begun weaving hints about Season 4 into these last few episodes. We know it'll be set in 1950. This episode had references to '50s sci-fi (the theremin) and also McCarthyism (the witch hunter dude mentioned it). But in my opinion the biggest hint was those bus tickets. I've always wanted this show to do an amusement park themed season, and guess what was under construction in 1950? A FELLA CAN DREAM, RIGHT?

But please do tell me your thoughts and theories. This is a fun game!

OK BYE


QUESTIONS

... Who will be the Supreme?

... Wasn't the witch hunter agency shockingly terrible at their main job?

... Is it a good idea to antagonize the person who both cleans your toilets and prepares your food?

... Which of Marie Laveau's turbans did you like better, the black or the gold?


Previously Aired Episode

AIRED ON 1/13/2016

Season 5 : Episode 12

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So... I don't really do recaps cause lets face it... I just saw the episode. But your funny as hell dude and you hit all the right points. I actually love your blog. Stay awsome.
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Weakest episode so far imo. The origin story had me so bored I was skipping parts, and that's a first on AHS. It picked up after that, but as much as I admire Kathy Bates, her character is grating to me and the less I see of her the better.
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Best lines this episode "You flush my shit bitch!!" Madison is a straight up boss! and "The rotting leaves smell like an olympian's ejaculate." It was hilarious when Delphine thought she could bring down the voodoo queen with Benadryl.
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This season is beyond perfection. I thought AHS only has the éntertainment' value, but Coven proved to be relying on high quality writing and splendid characters: Marie Laveau, Myrtle Snow, Madame LaLaurie, Misty Day, Fiona, Spalding, Papa Legba, Madison, Cordelia,Nan... A trully amazing ride.
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Amazing season, AMAZING episode, and AMAZING REVIEW!
these actresses... I'm... just... speechless...
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OMFG. AHS: Epcot would completely slay me.
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Hahaha, the whole Benadryl thing was funny but MAJORLY STUPID. Like, didn't she read the package's directions? I bet nowhere in there did it say it was indicated for de-souling ppl or that it was one of the side effects.

Sorry, I know I'm using a lot of non-words.

Also, I think/hope Cordelia will kill Fiona at the end and finally prove she's useful for something.

And speaking of Cordelia, maybe she should kill everyone else too, like what the heck with the meanness toward her ah? She's not the Supreme so she's not the one supposed to be protecting the coven after all.
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she's from a whole different time period before there was such a thing as benadryl or medicines of the same type. It is completely logical to think she would have no idea what benadryl was and would easily be convinced it was some kind of magic potion.
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But she can read, right? It clearly says on the package what it is for
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If Delphine does bury away Marie the way she did to her, then Marie won't be able to kill the baby and finish her voodoo sacrifice. I doubt Papa Legba will be happy with that... I wonder what the consequences for unfulfilling their trade will be.

Also, apart for the sight, did Cordelia possess any other powers or was she just a really useless witch?
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She already gave papa the innocent soul....it was nan. Now the baby is just hanging out ;)
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Papa Legba will come back next year. Soooo, if Delphine succeeds in burying Marie away, Marie won't be able to give him a soul then. Hence, Sansasnark's comment makes sense. Papa won't be happy about that because she can't fulfill her end of the deal.
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Nan was nowhere near innocent. Remember that she murdered the bible-thumpin' mother by making her drink bleach. She was proud of it & made that clear when she threatened to kill Laveau.
As far as Papa Legba taking her in the baby's stead, I honestly don't quite get it yet, but I believe that issue will (or at least should) play out in the story before the end.
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Fiona admitted Nan's soul was "almost" innocent - but the bitch (the Bible-thumping neighbor) deserved it!
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Oh, I agree 100% that insane jesus crispy had it comin'...however, Nan's still uninnocent, & 'almost' simply doesn't cut it. Devious little Fiona (supreme or not) can't play games in anywhere near the same league as a Loa by a longshot, methinks. Papa Legba's gonna make her & Laveau suffer for trying to weasel out of the deal (& Nan's gonna be the hand that makes it happen) =D
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I think axe man is using Fiona to get to the coven since "the coven" killed him. She slapped Cordelia for letting a witch hunter into the house. I think Mr Axe is up to no good. Lets see what happens. I also think Kyle being back in a bus is so not a good idea.
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I didn't think about that. The Axeman does have an axe to grind of his own where that coven is concerned. I think his liking for Fiona is serious enough, though. What I don't understand his how he can be an invisible spirit but suddenly now he's not only visible but tangible
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Zoe let him go.. I think
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"Bottomless panties for everyone!" ...oh man what an awesome episode. Repulsive...and awesome. I really miss Nan though :(
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Only two more episodes and sadly only two more AHS:C recaps here!
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Oh my god. There aren't enough adjectives expressing how awesome this season continues to be that I can muster right now. Cordelia to make herself seem useful removed her eyes with pruning shears! Zombie boyfriend declares himself for killer vag. pushing away my personal choice (and his future wife - so it seems that maybe Eric's daughter getting arrested for DV during production was just two very close cast mates working through how to pull this sh!t off? I mean it looks like there must have been so much awesome going on on these sets and everyone had to bring their A+++ game every day to get noticed.). Zoe and Kyle going off to EPCOT after a verbal beat down from the lesser of two queens of this Episode - Ms. Frances Conroy's 'Myrtle'. The discussion regarding the unseen piece of jewelry may have been my favorite part of the episode - because we never saw it but we knew it was fabulous. And then the real queen returns from the dead! Queenie came back and just didn't want to have anything to do any of these losers - BUT especially didn't want anything to do with the Princess of the Pity Party Cordelia. Why didn't Ryan Murphy go all Kurt Sutter with this season and make all these episodes longer because I am just hating it when the episodes end. Nothing beats the gold turban, nothing. Still think Delphine is going to try to 'Russell Edgington' LeVeau and try to bury her in concrete. The whole Benadryl ruse was great. Apparently no one really gave a shi! about Misty. I would have thought Myrtle would have been all over her disappearance. I would have thought Madison would have been strolling around the house in Stevie's shawl but that may have been too awesome and too obvious. Just keep being my Wednesday evening safety net 'Coven'.
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oh, Price. You make me feel like I'm not the only weirdo on the planet who likes this kind of shows and scenes. The axeman murdering the hunters was perfect!!!!
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I always thought Benadryl had magical powers...
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Seen from the perspective of 1830 it probably does. :-)
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And Benadryl provides magical relief against allergies!
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Marie Laveau was a cruel, but fair woman at the begining of the season. She was more than the voodoo queen. She led a COMMUNITY in New Orleans for centuries. Remember how she avenged the black boy death? Remember how she was kind and nice to that old lady who won a free hairdo, and with all the people of that neighborhood?

Also, it was nice to see the differente betweem Salem Witches and the voodoo witches: Laveau was simple. Fiona wiped her ass with diamonds. Laveau cared about her people. Fiona was selfish. The first Salem witches were probably aristocrats slave owner ladies, and that luxurious Coven probably had slave labor for decades. I totally could get her insane hate for the white witches.

But now she is living there, using her golden turbans, being a selfish bitch like Fiona, and she doesn't give a shit about anything. I don't feel any guilt on wanting Lalaurie to finish her, yes, the immortal serial killer racist. The thing with coven is: all that has been built along this season, was totally fucked up last episode. Now just forget about it, forget about the logic, and enjoy the cool and sickly funny moments.
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Yeah, consistency hasn't been the show's strong point.
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yeah, but the characters were better written and more coherent with their own motivations on the first two seasons. At least in my point of view.
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It's strange to hear Kyle talk perfectly like he's never been that disabled Zombie kid...

Delphine's outfit at the funeral was hilarious
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Kyle really hasn't had much to do this season. Remember Fiona "spruced" Kyle up; this would mean he has better speaking ability and improved looks.
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I want to live in polygamy with Angela Bassett, Jessica Lange and Frances Conroy <3
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They would eat you alive....
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And don't even get me started on Queenie and the bold-faced and hypocritical tirade she unleashed on poor Cordelia. I'll be ranting all night. I'm afraid I cannot concur that it was fair enough. She has no obligation to let things slide, but neither does Cordelia and the other witches, letting a traitorous murderer back into the house.

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Myrtle Snow is my queen.....and whom my vote now officially goes to as the next Supreme. Anybody but her would be utterly disappointing to me. She seems like the only one who actually puts the coven first and thinks about safety of the witches. Plus, she is a complete and utter fruitcake and hilarious with it. I almost literally laugh out loud at everything she says, but when she compared the smell of rotting leaves to an "Olympian's Ejaculate", I nearly died.

She has been the total MVP of Coven for me. All the other characters are horrid and selfish and I am finding them less and less tolerable. You know something is up when you start rooting for the racist serial killer above ninety-nine percent of the other characters. She at least showed signs of remorse and redemption, whereas Marie has shown herself to be no better (worse, even) than everything she claims to despise. Apart from Zoe and Kyle and Cordelia, no other characters have anything resembling redeeming traits.
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It's worth every episode just to hear what Myrtle will say next. Myrtle is the definition of camp. And she does love her food. She's always in raptures over the next delicacy Delphine has whipped up - even the shit soup.
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Next season, Ryan Murphy, bring in the DREAM team back- Jessica, Angela, Katy and Frances. And to throw in a tickler, why not consider bringing back the original Dreamgirl herself; yep, sing it home Ms Jennifer Holliday, sing it home!
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I love you Peter Priceson.
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OMG!! What an episode! This was AWESOME!!! Where to begin....
First of all i would like to say, that at the cemetery, when Fionna looked back, i thought for a moment that Misty would break out and would be like...tada i am back...as nobody seemed to miss her really or looking for her...!!
Loved the black Tulban om Marie...it softened her face nicely...
Queeni is back with Delphine...love those two...So this means that even Queeni is not immortal, but she cannot die...Silver bullets won't work on her...she is strong!!
Loved how they showed about Delphine, how her obsession with blood started and killing of slaves...was a nice touch..
Caroline...deep respect..taking your own eyes to protect the coven and her second sight back...on the otherside even whatever Myrtle said about how brave Caroline was for the coven, it was not a needed action of Caroline...the whole coven knows that Fionna wants them all dead.
When Madison and Zoe had a sort of face off about Kyle i was a little bit dissapointed. I was expecting a sort off a showdown, remembering when Zoe stopped the zombies with just raising her hand. So after that i had very high hopes for Zoe to becoming the next Supreme...but after that we have only seen her do small spells, like by the bath tub. was nicely done, but not something huge...
The scene between Queeni and Caroline was nice too, Queeni had a point. Caroline is really trying, even now she is blind again. She is not a leader like the rest...she is too soft...
Myrtle and Zoe scene was great...i wasn't expecting that Myrtle would slap her in the face..that was great and needed.
Spalding and Delphine...was so funny..when he gave her the pills and made her believe that it was powerful magic...i laughed so hard...
I have to say Delphine was awesome this episode...fer face when she made poo soup and they all loved it...hahahahahaha
The scene with the witchunters was awesome...the Axeman really did his thing there...and Fionna in the end...she snapped his neck just like that...really nicely done...!!
The voiceover of Delphine was nice...so you could hear how she thought about the coven and her life..
She stabbbed Marie...WTF...but didn't work...now she must burry Marie...
which would mean that we maybe don't see Marie anymore...that would be sad for the last two episodes..
Spalding with a lving baby that was really really creepy...poor baby..
Kyle and Zoe escaped! did you see how they were smiling...that was a nice touch....i have a feeling that their luck will be shortly but we will see.
Very weird...last week i loved Nan, when she went crazy, but somehow i didn't miss her at all this episode...
Cannot believe that we have two episodes left...:(:(:( LOVE THIS SEASON!!!



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This show...it's so horrifically fun. I do wish Cordelia had just borrowed Myrtle's mellon baller. Unless that was among the items LaLaurie hocked for Spalding's doll.

I was kind of hoping that the Zoe and Kyle storyline had actually wrapped up. I can't help but compare them to Violet/Tate, and how that twisted love was just better integrated into the overall plot of the Murder House. I want to like Zoe and Kyle more, but the size of the cast has made it difficult for them to develop. Kyle has just kind of been there, and I really don't feel passionate either way about Zoe potentially being the next Supreme...if there is even going to be a next Supreme. If anything, my familiarity with Sarah Paulson's amazing performance last season has me hoping that Cordelia will end up fighting for the Supremacy in a face off with her mother.
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I'll never watch a show this gross, and I'm not as huge a fan of your caption nonsense as others around here, so understand that the following is completely sincere........

"UNSPROINK."
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
You deserve a Pulitzer for that one.
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Did anyone else catch the part when Myrtle Snow says that "rotting leaves in the Fall smell like an olympian's ejaculate" or did I mis-hear that?
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No, you heard her right: rotting figs leaves smell like an Olympian's ejaculate. Makes me wonder who's ol' Myrt been keeping company with.....
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This ep stands as my favorite of the whole season so far. It's the editing, man! THE EDITING! the poo broth with hints of coconut, the little piggie cut away (pun intended) plus, seriously: I challenge anyone to show any other example of a show in the history of all of television where a ghost sniffed the ass of a porcelain doll that came with a certificate of authenticity. That was some brand new shit right there. Goddamn! I love this show.
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Still loving this show.
Team Fiona!!
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Next season better have Angela Bassett and Jessica Lange as BFF's because EVERYTHING with the two of them is PURE GOLD. Throw Frances Conroy in there too. Myrtle had me cracking up all episode - from the wrap dress to the crotchless panties, and the tickets to Epcot - she is HILARIOUS. Loved the meeting between Marie, Fiona and the Witch Hunters (Give me a dirty martini and diet sprite - LOL). Loved the Axeman taking everybody out, and Fiona and Marie's reaction to it all. I don't know why they thought those witches would agree to ANY terms they came up with - dumbasses. The Witch Hunters were TERRIBLE at their job, lord knows how they kept it running all this time, but to be honest they weren't the bad guys this season - that title belongs to Delphine, Fiona, Marie, Madison, and the rest of the witches. All of these ladies have been out for themselves, and that has become more apparent over the last few episodes. Once the identity of the Supreme is finally discovered YOU KNOW all hell is going to break loose. I have absolutely no idea who the Supreme is going to be, because every time I think I know, something else happens that makes me change my mind again. So much crazy shit going on this episode - Delphine's backstory and opening monologue, serving the witches poo-poo soup, Spaulding telling her she can kill Marie with Benadryl (HA HA HA HA HA - Benadryl is a hell of a drug), Spaulding taking the baby (a living doll), Cordelia poking out her eyes with garden shears (OUCH!), Queenie walking Delphine around on a dog collar - soooo much goodness. I CAN'T WAIT TIL NEXT WEEK!
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Both Basset and Lange said they want to come back, so it's probably a done deal already.

Lange also said that after next season she wants to retire though so probably won't be there for season 5 (if there is one)
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Spalding looks like Kid Rock.
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Your reviews are unbelievably entertaining. Genius. Seriously.

I mean SRSLY!
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My bet is Roswell New Mexico for season 4.
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It's been confirmed that season 4 will take place in the 1950s.
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It happened in 1947, so 3 years after the fact could work. Plus, after something slightly traditional with witches, I think they might do something modern in a period piece.
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It still might be about circuses/amusement parks; Marie called Delphine a 'rube,' a phrase meaning 'sucker.' Popularized by carnival workers, or 'carnies.'
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January 2014: been saying the word Melonballers all month and now 'Mulligatawny Soup' courtesy of Frances Conroy! Gotta love Myrtle!
Finally got my own review up, and my own ideas about where the show is going:
http://mikeydislikesit.wordpress.com/2014/01/16/american-horror-story-coven-protect-the-coven-review/

The Disney / Amusement Park Theme would be amazing, I didn't even think of that!!! And just thought of the whole 'human doll' thing being like Pinocchio! Ahhh! :)
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So...what was Queenie's motivation to bring Delphine back? Why would Marie trust Delphine with the baby? WHY WOULD MARIE EAT OR DRINK ANYTHING DELPHINE TOUCHED? One of Marie's main flaws is arrogance, and it bit her in butt this episode.
On a positive note, I hope Bassett and Lange are bossom buddies next season because they have insane chemistry.
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I coudln't agree with this more. I mean it's one thing to make someone's life miserable but Marrie flat out tells Delphine she's going to kill her -

So what is her incentive to coperate here?!?
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The whole coven plus Marie have let arrogance get to their heads. After everything she's learned about Delphine's past AND after turning her in to Marie, why in the world would Queenie think Delphine would quietly continue acting as a slave? She's immortal. She's a sadistic, blood thirsty psychopath. A few hours of watching Roots and hanging out with Queenie isn't going to undo a lifetime of conditioning.
And you're right. If Marie wanted to get rid of Delphine, she should've kept her mouth shut.
I mean the entire coven is stupid to trust Delphine, but Queenie and Marie should've been the most wary of her.
I see these changes in character or spurts of lack of common sense as flaws in the writing. The writers wanted to get from point A to point B but either couldn't think of a way to do it within logical reasoning or were rushed, so they compromised the characters.
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I totally missed the origin story; I probably would have enjoyed it though.
That slap to Delphine by Laveau was like the slap heard around the world. It loud and impactful.

The way Fiona and Marie interact with each makes me wonder something. Why do they hate each other and were they once friends, because those two seem as if they have been besties for life. You want them to be LLBFFs, but then can't because they'd both kill each other in a minute for power. But you enjoy the way they interact with each other and you don't want them to ever stop being besties, sipping Martinis and smoking the cigs.

I could watch the show revolving around those two and Myrtle forevs (:)).

The poop soup was great. The part where Delphine talked about the sex stained panties, or something like that was just pure hilarity. When Myrtle was drinking the soup and she said "corn", I almost spit out my water. There is nothing like a nice dip of poop soup to make everyone feel better for a bit. Campbell's get that recipe already!

Myrtle's quips during this episode were spot on. She OWNED this episode on so many levels .Think about it, she said the fella, who she was in love with for a while's wife created the single greatest thing known to man, the wrap dress. I had to see who the hell was going to top that nugget. When she said 'crotch-less panties' I all about doubled over with laughter. That was a great moment there. Someone has to gif that on Tumblr for me to find.

I like to know, how does a dirty Martini taste?I'm a Long Island Iced Tea gal myself.

Those negotiations are how many negotiations should end with people who are just tools and evil and whoever thought of it first. I'll yell shotgun just to be the one to start it. So many people deserve the 'axe'.

Ghost Spalding is creepy and odd all together. I totally thought he was Rob Zombie for just a moment. I totally enjoyed him bonking Marie on the back of the head.
This episode was unintentionally funny at times.

... Who will be the Supreme?I have no idea and to tell you the truth, I could not care anymore than I did before about it.It should end with Fiona finding out, eating their soul or life force and then light her cig, cross her legs and lounge on her couch the baws she is.

... Wasn't the witch hunter agency shockingly terrible at their main job?Those men were terrible.

... Is it a good idea to antagonize the person who both cleans your toilets and prepares your food? It's never good. Think about it, those people know EVERYTHING you eat and drink. She could have put Benadryl in the soup, killed them all and then left with Queenie to go to the burger place after.

... Which of Marie Laveau's turbans did you like better, the black or the gold? That black one was great. You know why, that dress was off the chain, that's why.
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Lmao, I also immediately thought of "The Help" on the soup scene XDD

And WOW, it would be absolutely awesome if Season 4 was set in the 50's and about an amusement park, sounds just like my cup of tea :3
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An amusement park season would be the greatest ever, if the next season is anything else now I will be disappointed. Though probably not because this show is just to much fun regardless of what they do.

I wish the witch hunter plot had gone somewhere other then just them all being murdered. If they had been hunting witches for generations wouldn't they come a bit more prepared? Also, the show didn't logistically explain how they cleaned up all those bodies. Where were they that no one heard gunshots, screaming, limbs being severed?

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Yeah, I don't mind the body cleaning ( a wizard did it) but that meeting made no sense what so ever.

First, they say they'll bribe the witches but clearly they didn't have any money and the witches could affect financial situations easily.

Second, they really had no leverage what so ever. What were they promising? No killing? those witches are unkillable in the first place. Couldn't Misty just ressurect them?

I always hate it when shows give us "hunters" and expect us to believe they have equal ground to the supernatural beings (be it superntural's demons, teen wolf's werewovles, or secret circle witches) - how are they equal?
What do they have? Guns? Supernatural creatures can pickup guns too.

At least buffy \ vampire diaries made them supernatural themselves.
The witch hunters here were a joke.

If that guy could just mass murder everyone in the salon, why didn't they just blow up the coven and be done with it?
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Oh, and I forgot to comment how good was to see Delphine feeding the witches with poop

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Coven has been a huge letdown for me because of the incoherence of the acts of some characters on these last episodes.

Marie really don't give a shit anymore about that community/clan that she led about...300 years? I mean, she saw Queenie alive, and was like "Oh, ok there you go girl, nice to see ya". I like this bitchness and indiference to death/violence on AHS, but sometimes it just get sensless. And I won't buy that the three killed people on Cornrow City was the whole voodoo clan.

And Zoe? Some episodes ago she was all about unite the girls, protect the coven..."witch up". She even killed Spalding because he was loyal do Fiona! Now she found that Nan was killed, and did absolutely NOTHING about it. She didn't even tell anything to Myrtle and Cordelia. Really, who is going to be the fucked up character next week?

BUT, it has its highlights. I know Lange and Bassett are amazing, but people seems to forgot how AWESOME are Myrtle and Lalaurie. The Lalaurie monologue scene was amazing. Spalding was also so badass that episode, suggesting that Lalaurie should bury Laveau alive (she was once a good character, but she has been reduced to just another simple selfish bitch like Fiona, so...go to hell voodoo bitch). Myrtle is insanely amazing! She is so funny and crazy, dangerous and sweet at the same time, I like everything about her.

The Axeman scene was awesome and Cordelia piercing her eyes...FINALLY SOME GORE. but the end scene with Zoe and Kyle running happy was completely cheesy. I was waiting for Madison appearing and capsize the bus...again.
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If I understand it correctly, only Marrie is imortal. And when you get immortal and see the people around you constantly die you would be logically desensitized for it.

Also keep in mind that Baba Legu keeps asking her to bring him innocent souls, more hardenning for her.

Queenie wasn't really of any interest to her, she was simply something in her little games with Fiona (I took something of yours) and a way to get Delphine. She spent there - what? 2-3 days?

I'm less confused about Zoe not doing anything about Nan then the fact that she did a simple spell which nobody else bothered to do. Really?!? Nobody else bothered to do that or even talk to her ghost or whatever?

Heck, Misty is not around and nobody seems to care. Didn't they think she was the next supreme?
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Well, they are probably thinking that she went back to her swamp or something lol. This season, as the first are full of characters who come and go, and nobody seems to care. There are too many characters (for not much story), and they can't handle all of them. This is something I don't complain about, because it really don't bother me very much. I'm kinda used to it. I guess they will be looking for her next episode.

But Marie, like I said in another comment, she was kind the leader and protector. Yes, she is immortal and she don't waste tears for the dead, but she cared a lot about that people, her clan. I didn't expected her to stay crying for the shot people, I expected her to keep strong, and protect her people even more fierce...that's how the character was shown to us. But she changed in a not very convincing way, that is what I mean. Now she is just another baddie.

And about Zoe, yeah. The consequences of Nan death, or the lack of it, are totally lame
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Initial disclaimer, I love this show. I really do. But I'm disappointed.

I might be in the minority, and that's fine. But I do have to say, AHS has a tendency of underperforming at later stages of its seasons. I don't care what people say, season 1 was the strongest season hands down, as far as I'm concerned. It was creepy, full on claustrophobic during almost the entirety of the season, and ended up strong. Season 2 had another strong start and digressed at the end too. This? This is not the best.

There's far too much soapy material on this season of AHS. I would really rather they stayed off teenage women drama. Sorry girls. I don't understand how or why, but these characters are really close to being useless. I mean, take Kyle. Why does Kyle even exist in this season? All he has done is have one singular episode of having a personality, and then being a braindead zombie for the rest of it. Sadly, a braindead zombie without anything to show for. Why does he even matter for this season? Or Farmiga's character for that matter. What is her arc? What has she done? I get that they want to play with the whole "who is the next supreme" thing, but they sure as hell should've fixed it by now. I'm past the point of caring who the new supreme is because I'm not attached to these characters anymore. Too little screen time for all of them. Zoe was cool when she dropped down a zombie with her fucking mind. After that, nothing.

I am also tired of the whole "character has gone missing/is dead BUT WAIT NO WHAT THE HELL THEY'VE COME BACK" gimmick. Give me a break. How many times is that going to happen on this show. Death means nothing by now.

Season 1 was a lot creepier than the following two, and especially this one. Fuck me I still shiver when I think of that creature is S1. I dreaded seeing that shit. Which means that I loved it. But this? If you told me at the beginning of the season that after all that awesome rivalry, Marie Leveau and Fiona become BFF's and take down an entire corporation of fucking WITCH HUNTERS, in a fucking ridiculous business meeting where they all show up completely unprepared to deal with their eternal enemies to merely get murdered in less than a minute, I would be like, fuck that. AHS is better than that. But apparently, not really.

I can't be the only one that wishes this show dropped the soapy act and got its creepy act shit together. I would much, much rather see this show follow the themes and aspect of its intro's than what it actually is. They are so good. Portray an environment and a vibe that, salvo S1, did not come about. I dreamt that this season was going to be some really dark shit, with each of the main female actresses to have their own coven, and fought each other in the creepiest and most violent way possible. Instead, I got teenage girls spouting incantations in a variation of latin to revive characters that have no impact in the season. And a supreme that fell in love with an axe man who nobody understand how or why he is alive and roaming around. Sad. Face.

Same goes for Asylum. It is my personal opinion that the show could be much better if it went for horror, rather than almost a 90210 with elements of WTF and the occasional horror, which I'm sorry, but that's what it feels like this season has become. What a waste of Kathy Bates terrifying acting. A fucking maid? Goddamn it.

I know it's not over yet, and fuck me, I really want this show to surprise me. But, even though I really do like this show and how daring it still is, I can't help but feel disappointed at the lack of horror, creepiness and overall disturbing vibe I know Ryan Murphy can pull.

/rant over
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I actually agree with what you said.

I think season 1 was as the name suggested - A horror story.
It had tension, thrillness, mystery etc
Minus the idiotic last episode (who tries to put a happy ending on a horror show?)
And I would agree that it's the best.

Season 2 was all over the place. Instead of giving 1 main focus (the house) and 1 major character in all arcs (Tate) - It went compeltely nuts giving away a dozen stories that had nothing to do with each other and went no where.

Season 3 while being decent, isn't anything remotely like Horror. It has some gore but gore isn't horror. They took the main issue of season 2 (too many storylines and characters) but failed to bring in the coheisive connection to it.
The supreme question was supposed to be it, but it just isn't working.

Instead, just like season 2, we get loads of characters with about 30 seconds of screen time that we can barely care about.
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Season 3 is more about the individual performances or scenes, than an overarching story. There is a lot of inconsistency in the story but almost every scene is phenomenal.
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Agreed
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#preach

lesson learned for S4- give us something that scares us- not grosses us out. Infantata is still in my nightmares. Ghosts suck for a reason.
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There will be no supreme. They are all growing so much in their powers that they will all be able to perform the seven wonders.

And then they will each build their own tower and wage magic war all over the country wreaking havoc to the land, leaving us mortals to cower in fear for ever.

Yes, the witch hunters were ridiculous. Did they really think the witches would go along with their proposal: we need our money to be able to kill you, so if you give it back, we promise not to for 100 years.
That has to be the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Sheldon Cooper has trouble with that concept as well, and the witches aren't exactly geniuses, so perhaps they can be excused.

I like her best without her turban.

Only TWO episodes left! What will we do?
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I also think they might be no supremes anymore... after all, that doesn't look like it's working.
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Yeah. At this point, it's too easy to expect the unexpected. I thought maybe they'll spring Zoe in the last second since they keep ignoring her (does she even have a power other than sex killing?)

But if that's out of the way too, it's possible Fiona is the last one and in the end they'll go into a democracy or something, where all of them combined are minor supremes (which is why they are all getting more and more power)
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yes, that is how I see it for now too... although it is lacking structure as a story and they could ignore the resolution of who is the next supreme altogether at this rythm...

Zoe has other powers, but they are so weird... she's the one with the more weird powers anyways :D
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Really? what has she done? I mean I assumed the stuff she did like seeing Nan's killers or reviving Kyle was "spells" rather than powers
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I love the craziness of this show, and I love these reviews.
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Maybe the next season is set in the North Pole. Pretty sure that's Santa behind them on the bus.
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Space Mountain is at Disney World, not Epcot. :)

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epcot is in disney world, space mountain is in magic kingdom, magic kingdom is in disney world ;)
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"Ghosts are jerks!"

The ghost family at the end of season 1 were okay.
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What was Zoe's purpose again?
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Zoe's purpose was to be the new gal in the house, so we'll have someone's new eyes to look at things done and that everytime they explain something about the witches, we'll have a reason to be explained.

After she served her purpose? Nothing I guess. Unless they will do the cheesy thing and make her the supreme.
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1. I know I am in the minority here, but I think my money remains on Zoe. I am guessing she figures out that yes, Madison directed the spell to resurrect Kyle, but it was Zoe's power that did it. Misty would be a good guess as well.

2. They really really were. I sort of feel like if the Argent family were watching this show they'd be shaking their heads, their seventeen year old wouldn't mess up this bad. And she likely is about to be possessed.

3. Nope, but yet, you also have to wonder why she insisted on giving it to like Myrtle, Cordelia and Zoe, they really haven't done anything to her.

4. Okay, this is weird, but I've had gold sparkly nail polish on the past few days and I am not in love with it. As I imagine you do see a little of the turban out of the corner of your eye, the black one probably more....
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My coworkers and I would like you to come have lunch with us. Tomorrow is jeans day if that helps.
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This show. That's pretty much all that needs to be said.

Who else is gonna chop off a dude's arm then decide to grab it and shoot the gun it was still attached to? Just awesome.

Myrtle is crazy and I flipping love her.
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Ugh again. Now that the witch hunters are out. And they like many in the past were rather easily dealt with, there is no one to root for anymore. They are all pretty much despicable characters.
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