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Simon: That's a very short tiny ... dress Paula.
Paula: I know, I know.
Randy: I like that Paula.
Simon: Very slutty.
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Simon (after Julie performed): Have you ever been called precocious?
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Simon (to Shannon after she performed): I had a late night and I'm not feeling great anyway, and you just made it a lot worse. That was like the Hungarian Janis Joplin.
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Simon (after Paula uttered, "lalala"): We need someone to check in this cup.
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Ryan: (voiceover) Brandon killed both a stand-up and a singing career in just three minutes.
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Simon: I would like you if I was drunk.
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Simon: It sounds like you're eating while singing.
Shannon: I'm what?
Simon: Eating...it's just a strange, strange sound.
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Shannon: I've never had anyone tell me that I sing badly.
Simon: Because most people don't know what they're talking about, that's why you need to come talk to someone like me.