The girls switch sexes (with believable results) and the oh-so-fragile-and-pale Sarah takes credit for something Dionne did...DRAMA-RAMA!!!
9.3
"Superb"
We start this week's installment with Natasha's meal tick-- er, husband, talking to his mail order br-- I mean, legally obtained wife, over the phone. She talks very suggestively with her husband and it arouses the attention of the Always Concerned Mother Whitney. She talks it over with Fat B!tch Diana (or was it Reneeee? I don't know) and she basically puts her nose into somewhere it shouldn't be. So what if she has a husband almost thrice her age??? There isn't a law against that is there? So long as she was of a legal age, it's perfectly reasonable. So anyways, Natasha simultaneously gets upset and confides in her "concerned" husband. He says something, but I pay it no mind. Later, more like instantly, Reneeeee makes insensitive remarks towards Diana and Whitney about their curvaceous, and unhealthy, weights. They sort of hold in the anger, but they release it once Reneeee retreats to the sanctity of her room. Diana, looking greasy and hungry, gets visibly upset about the remark and I think we go to commercial.
The girls then meet up with the tall, and anorexic, director of Elite models. I don't remember her name, so lets call her Ana. So anyways, Ana gives the girls a quick lesson on how to put on model appropriate clothes. The girls all look a hot a$$ mess until Ana saves them from their hideousness. The girls then meet up with some Wonder Twins and they tell them their challenge. The girls will be paired up in groups of three and forced to create a sort of float that represents Spring wear? I don't know...it all looked like Spring wear. It had to be cohesive and all of the girls had to rock what they were wearing. Dionne cleverly uses her new catchphrase of "What the hell" somewhere and the girls scramble around and around for the time allotted (10 seconds {not}). While Dionne helps get her group some clothes her teamate, the oh-so-delicate-and-papery-thin Sarah collects some random items and throws them upon the float, much to the chagrin of Dionne and Reneeeee. While the oh-so-transparent Sarah gathers the myriad of unnecessary accouterments, Dionne takes time out of her busy schedule to provide some SEARS clothing to her. While the girls scurry around like Tyra was herding them with prodding sticks they're time ends. The Wonder Twins go down the line and and evaluate the first team. In the midst of this, Natasha tells Whitney, her teammate, that she needs to get on the stand 100%. Whitney's dumb a$$ sort of tunes this out and plasters on this fakey smile/grin. So the first team (What the Hell, Reneeeee and The Thin One) all get good remarks. The second team (Mild and Tasteless Jaslene, Brittany, and I Love My Weight, Yet I'm Still Concerned About My Image Diana) get average remarks. The last team is heralded and they would've won X-CEPT Whitney made the "wise" choice of not listening to Natasha and that decision turns around and bites her in her a$$ because she could've won the challenge, but it goes to The Thin One (Sarah for you people failing to keep up) and she makes up this long story about how she chose the clothing:
"My mother ran out into the woods past the Hidden Valley and stumbled upon a common Water Nymph. The Nymph carried sacred stones and jewels and bequeathed them unto my mother. The nymph gave her a sacrosanct parchment that told her how to weave these items into clothing. She did so for most of my childhood and adolescence. Delighted with the results, she sold them for golden coins at her local Sears. Coincidentally, these very same pieces that I'm wearing were weaved by her a long, long time ago in the Land of Avalon."
So anyway, you get the point. The Wonder Twins pi$$ in their pants about this and all Dionne does is twist and roll her neck like her atlas and axis bones became disconnected. Her grand prize is a helpful one: she's able to get TWO tries during her photo shoot while the rest get only the standard one. After she takes all of her permitted frames, she can go back and look at those pictures, get a consultation from Jay and try it again. But don't fret Reneeee and Dionne, you still, technically, won a challenge...just the larger proportion of that win goes to Thin, Thin, Gone.
So the photoshoot is, possibly, my fave so far: the girls dress as the opposite sexes! Yayness! And it gets better: Drag Queen partners! Sadly, Miss J. will not be participating, he was already booked for another drag deal. So anyways, the girls take their photos and they are amazing! Thinspo (who posed as a rocker)does sort of a pose-y and lackluster job until Jay tells her what she needs to work on and she rocks it. Everyone does swell (and Natasha goes up and beyond her Hip-Hop persona with hi-larious results)...then some lameness and fail comes along. Diana struggles immensely and sucks major eggs and so does Whitney, but to a sort of lesser extent, which prompts those two cherubs to be in the final two. Tyra (Gypsy Wrap-less), waxes on and on about how bad she wanted two plus-sized models on the show, but was too lazy and cheap to get around to it. Tyra brings up the fact that when Jay asked why she wanted to be a model she sullenly replied "Just 'cuz". Tyra sees through Diana like an elder lady's underpants and releases her. There are fountains and fountains of tears (and one cold stare from Reneeee) and she's gone. So long, Diana!!!
Next week we see Jael (who was oddly absent from this week's recap) get into it with Fitty in a completely staged event starring attention whores Paris H. and Yeah, Sure I Eat Nicole Richie. Well, she has gained a few pounds...but ana is still with her. Cheers to my LONGEST REVIEW EVAR!