Andy Richter Controls the Universe

Jessica: So your plan is to lose him, show him pornography, then beat him up? Andy: That's the Chicago way!

Keith: If John Wayne and the Statue of Liberty had a son, [Jake] would be it.

Andy: Do you know what that kid could use? A big distinguishing scar, that would have really helped out yesterday. Or maybe one of those giant metal claws.

Jessica: That's not my nephew. Andy: Sure it is! Jessica: Andy, don't fight me on this.

Andy: I don't know, I was going to make tacos and watch Stuart Little. A kid might get in the way. Jessica: Or it might make it seem less sad. Andy: Sure, maybe Jake knows how to make tacos.

Jake: I'm from Iowa. Byron: Hey, I'm from Iowa. Jessica: Really? Byron: No, I just never know what to say to kids.

Keith: A Taxi marathon? Won't your Twilight Zone tapes get jealous?

Byron: I love that Marilu Henner. She puts the T&A in Taxi.

Jessica: My sister's very judgmental. She thinks I'm a career-oriented slut. Andy: I don't think you're career-oriented.

Mr. Pickering: How does it feel being outsmarted by a child? Familiar?