Angel

Cordelia: You have no idea how much this is killing me. I know my ABC's, my history. I know who's President, and that I sort of wish I didn't. I know the name of every shoe store in the Beverly Center, but I don't even recognize the sound of my own name.

Angel: I seem to be strong, too, and fast. It's not so bad, this vampire thing. Cordelia: Well, I've got a super power of my own, hotshot. Angel: What's that now? (Cordelia screams at the top of her lungs) That really is inhuman.

Wesley: So who are you? Gunn: I'm the guy that's gonna be kickin' a whole mess o' ass somebody don't tell me what's goin' on. Cordelia: Whadda they call you for short?

(Angel, not remembering he's Connor's father) Angel: Say one thing, then..."Be good. Fear God. Do as you're told." And the whole while I know good and well, (my father's) had his share of sinning. Connor: Sounds kinda like my father. Angel: Is he a self-righteous bastard? Connor: You'd be amazed.

Lorne: (Waking up) Oh...Oh...Guys, hey, that was quite a whammy. A little trip through the transitive nightfall of diamonds, if you know what I mean, I certainly don't, but— Angel: He speaks madness. Lorne: Hey, here's a funny sidebar. I'm tied to a chair—again! What the hell's going on? Wesley: We were hoping you would enlighten us, spawn of evil. Lorne: Oh, dear. I'm starting to suspect my surefire hit spell closed out of town. (whimpers) Did anything go right? Anything? Did Cordy at least get her memory back? Wesley: Just tell us where the vampire is, fiend. Lorne: What are you talking about? There aren't any vampires here. Well, I mean, except for our boy here. Angel: Uh, lying devil man. Lorne: Oh, like my spell made you not a vampire anymore. My magic isn't that— Angel: Shut your face! (punches Lorne, cuts to Lorne narrating) Lorne: Ow.

Cordelia: Maybe I was gonna tell you to back off, buddy. Maybe you were coming on too strong—harassing me in the workplace. Maybe I had a red-hot restraining order in my mitts. You ever think of that? Angel: I was never—in the workplace, I— Well, there was that one time with the—the ballet and the stripping and the roundness, but that was a spell. And-and we were meeting in Malibu on the bluffs at night. That's a pretty romantic restraining order!

Angel: (to Cordelia) We'll get you back. No matter what. I promise you, we will get you back. Lorne: What's all this "we", pale face?

Gunn: What the hell are you talking about? Cordelia: It's called kidnapping a minor, hair club for men.

Wesley: Where do you hail from, friend? Angel: I'm not your friend, you English pig.

Angel: (sitting on the stairs, muttering to himself) English pig. English pig?

Gunn: Great. So we go vamp hunting. This place looks pretty big. I say two groups. Cordelia: (about Angel) Great. I'll go with tall, dark, and slightly less pathetic than you two here.

Wesley: All right. I'm going to let you all in on something you may have trouble comprehending. But I assure you that however... Gunn: (interrupting) Vampires are real. Wesley: I was telling!

Wesley: Well, I know this breed is nocturnal and feeds on roots and possibly human effluvia... It's a horned race... Gunn: So you know jack? Wesley: They're nocturnal?

Gunn: The day I take orders from guys like you is the... day I... (scoffs) Not even gonna happen.

Lorne: (about Connor) Poor kid. Engine running and stuck in park.

(about Wesley and Gunn fighting) Cordelia: Are you going to get in there and stop it? Angel: It was about time that the English got what's coming to him, I'm rooting for the slave.

Fred: I'm ready, I'm ok, it'd be cooler if we could score some weed though.

(Gunn and Wesley start fighting over which one of them should be in charge of the situation. Lorne looks up and addresses the audience) Lorne: Look, I know I'm supposed to be unconscious during this segment, but can you believe these two mooks?

(A radio plays in the next room) Angel: Minstrels! Cordy: uh (turns off radio) Angel: How...? You stopped the tiny men from singing.

Fred: Are you sure this is going to work? (Lorne says something in Pylean) (Fred answers him in Pylean) Gunn: What? Fred: Its Pylean. He said "My words will work miracles" and I answered "May your words please the gods". Lorne: (in the nightclub) She didn't say "may your words please the gods" so much as she said "may you orally please the gods".

(When returning to the show after the commercial break) Lorne: Well those were some exciting products, am I right? (applauds) Let's all think about buying some of those.

Cordelia: Oh, God! Oh, God! My hair! My Hair! (sobbing) The government gave me bad hair!

Gunn: What happened to you, man? Wesley: I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me.

Cordelia: (to Fred) Oh! We're both in school. Oh gosh! Let's be best friends, so I can lose all my cool ones. Wesley: There's no call to be snippity, miss. Cordelia: This is a Clarion call for snippity, Princess Charles. Wesley: It's Wesley, thank you. Wyndham-Price. I attend the Watcher's Academy in Southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be Head Boy. Cordelia: (sarcastically) Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname. Wesley: A lot of effort I don't mind saying.

(Wesley is fiddleing with his arm weapon and accidently fires a small dart which hits Angel in the leg) Wesley: Are you okay? Oh! I mean Ha!

Angel: Cordelia - Were we in love? Cordelia: We were.

Wesley: What type of demons, would you say? Angel: Shiny.

Fred: Got any weed?

Fred: I sorta see his point. Not one of ya'll looks exactly seventeen. It's like time's been pushed forward, like we missed a bunch of years. Cordy: (looking down) Kind of have filled out even more. Fred: (likewise) And... I apparently ain't gonna.

Cordy: Okay, we've heard from Scarlett O'please-shut-me-up.

Gunn: (introducing himself) Gunn. Wesley: (ducking) Where?!?

Wesley: The cross obviously doesn't affect me, or our friend, the pugilist. Gunn: Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up.

Lorne: It's always nice to hear the mother tongue, as long as its not from my mother.

Gunn: Oh good, symbols on the floor. That always goes well.

Lorne: So I'm an idiot. What are you, perfect?