Enjoy! Here's to the 100 episode mark, a fan fiction:
Master Shake's inner monologue; Friday... 2010. I don't care what day it is. They all just blend together. What's important was that this is my birthday, which means that this day's about me and not you so shaddup! Anyway, starting out my typical day, waking up at the crack of noon. I generally despise being the early bird, but what're you gonna do? I did whatever it is... I normally do on a normal day... but this day would be different. I started it off with a kick to some meat face.
"HEY!" Meatwad's irritatingly high pitched voice was like the slapping of a thousand spoons on the backside of a cow. Only without that annoying feeling of guilt for doing it.
"What're you gonna do Meatball?" I felt so high and mighty as I kicked him again, making him roll back into the wall. I didn't feel the slightest hint of guilt taking one of his little cardboard toys and throwing it at him. And just like he always does, the little baby starts crying. Like I have nothing better to do than to listen to a small slather of meat balling over that little cardboard tube to his face. And it was so like Frylock to come out of his room.
"Shake!" Frylock had that stern, irritated look in his eyes as he hovered into the room. "What are you doing?"
I rolled my eyes. Clearly he couldn't see the importance of my mission to make Meatwad's life a living hell so I decided to humor him. "What does it look like I'm doing? I am merely... teaching Meatwad how to defend himself against bullies. You know at school?"
"He doesn't go to school, Shake. But I'm starting to think you should." Frylock smelled of fried potatoes, obviously coming from the hairlike protrusions in his head. His eyes narrowed angrily and he looked as if he were about to say something... "Shake, I can hear you." His voice was spiteful and his beard looked gayer than usual. "What is this? Your inner monologue thing again? Damn it, Shake I told you last time what you're doing isn't "inner" anything, you're talking lower but we can still hear you."
Clearly my roommate was confused, like he is with his sexuality. So I do what I do best, I put on a happy go-lucky smile and pat him on his... side... and kiss ass. "Yeah! That's very interesting, very interesting indeed. Now if you'll excuse me, I have other important business to attend to." I strode past the box of fries and made my way to the living room. Having noticed that the tv was broken... again, I opted to do the next best thing; go swimming.
Turning to the door I hopped on over to its familiar, and sexy looking shape only to open the door and see my good friend and neighbor Carl Br-... Br--uh... I pause to think, moving my hand as close to my lips as I could to really think about Carl's impossible to pronounce name. "So! Carl! How's things going?"
"For one, I can hear you talking." He said, crossing his arms over that bulbous gut of his. "And second. No."
"No?" I inquired innocently. "To what?"
"To using my pool, in fact I went so far as to buy electric eels on the black market to make sure that you freaks don't... you know pee in it, 'cause I know you do that."
Frylock had hovered beside me, making me jump when I finally noticed him. His eyebrow was cocked in that weird way because he was puzzled by something. "So... how do you use your pool then? I mean you can't exactly switch off an electric eel."
"I don't." Carl answered, briefly baffled by the question before realizing he gave up, wiping a hand through that glorious baldspot on his head. "I gave up on the whole... swimming to be fit thing years ago... when you guys moved in. Right now I just get to watch while you don't you know... use it either."
"Then what's the point of having---" Frylock's voice was cut off with a high pitched yell from our chubby friend.
"WOULD YOU JUST TELL ME WHY YOU WANTED ME TO COME OVER?!?"
"Oh right! Come here Carl, I invented something for you..." We followed Frylock's hovering butt into his geeky-ass room where he stores his coolest stuff... not like it's cooler than what I have, but still its pretty cool what, with the computer and the bed and the...
"What the hell is that thing?" I asked, pointing at the big... bulb shaped glowing thing in the middle of the room.
"That's a light bulb..." Frylock rolled his eyes at me, all knowingly. Like he was--
"Would you shut up with the monologueing thing?" Carl barked at me. "Seriously it's really painfully... annoying..."
"What I wanted to show you was this." Frylock pointed one of his extensions at his computer, on top of it was this tiny red ball attached to his pyramid shaped black thing. I watched with bare interest as he...
"Can I see it?" Meatwad's insignificant, whiny voice chimed in as he rolled into the room like it was his.
"Well sure." Frylock said, his voice suddenly going up an octave or two. "Knock it off Shake." He said sternly returning to his "manly" voice. I simply rolled my eyes. "Presenting: the Area Distortion Stabilizer!" His announcing voice was almost as annoying as the real thing.
"Oh great." Carl said, with less enthusiasm than usual. "What does it do."
"Well it's... experimental. What it does, well here let me show you with this grape." The green orb in his fry looked somehow less appealing than he probably intended, but he set it down anyway, as he started typing on the computer, I scooted over toward the monitor. "The ADS takes a predesignated design, and applies it to the target. Let's say I want to turn this grape into a prune, but without the hassle of setting it out in the sun for however long it takes to dry it out. I simply type in here the code." He mumbled as he typed, its a really bad habit. "Grape to Prune... trans...mute..." There was a great flash of light and I jumped back. Not scared by it of course, but... it made me jump. We all looked at the now blackened object sitting on the table where the grape had been. "See? It turned into a prune!"
"Great." Carl said. "So what, you wanted to make me into a prune then?"
"Ye-no!" Frylock's true colors were showing now, this was it. Showdown! "SHUT UP SHAKE!"
"Well if you turned into a prune, Carl. You could feed the world... or at least me..." Meatwad said in his demented twisted optimism of reality, which he thoroughly lacked the experience in. "Come on feed me, Carl! FEED ME!"
"What this thing does is nothing short of a miracle." Frylock interrupted us with his God-speak like he normally does. "It takes the molecules of time and breaks them down, slowing down or speeding them up to effect the designated change. It can even reverse them, all I need from you Carl is your okay. I can make you look younger, give you your hair back, get you back into shape."
"No, no, no thank you." Carl waved his hands at Frylock. "Even if there was a time that I was "in shape" I don't think I've gotten the memory of the turbo toilet completely... you know repressed from the last time I tried one of your experiments."
"Oh that was years ago!" Clearly Frylock was trying to hide his true intentions for Carl. The intention of enslaving the poor man in his mad experiments. He is the Igor to that... dead guy... guy... the ball to his chain! "Come on Carl, just this last time, please?" I could see Frylock's wisdom teeth with that smile... I didn't think braces went all the way back there. But the one thing I knew... is that I was hungry. "Shake! Put that prune down, you have no idea what my machine could have done!"
"So what? What could happen?" I threw the prune into my mouth, and before Frylock could scream "Nooooo" or whatever he was going to do, I bit down.
Suddenly a huge bubble covered me from straw tip to bottom and spun me around, like the girl in that movie because she wasn't that scary. Flashes of lightning and electricity flew throughout the room and I felt myself fall to the ground. Coughing, I saw a puff of smoke exit my mouth and disappear in the air in front of me. "Wow Frylock. That is one spicy prune!" I looked to see that Frylock was frozen in an expression of terror, he wasn't really moving much... Or... at all even. Carl and Meatwad were also frozen in their screams.
"Frylock?" I asked, poking at the stationary frybox who immediately fell to the ground. His eyes and stare still fixed on me. "Carl? Meatwad?" They didn't respond to me either. Reaching down I poked at Meatwad, hearing the sickening sludge of raw meat, as obviously that didn't freeze with everything else. "EWWW! That's disgusting Meatwad! You should really have that looked at!" I paused. Not really sure what to make of it. "Meatwad?" I looked again at Carl. "Carl?"
***
Hour one, year one of the... badass years. After investigating the world outside, seeing birds frozen in midair and not dead like so happens in our neighborhood, I have come to the conclusion that I have somehow become unstuck in the space-time continuum. Everything around me is frozen, the cars still in the streets, the sun burning in the sky forevermore looking down upon my solo container.
Wanting to take my friends on my adventures I decided to drag them one by one out of the house and into the sun. But I got kind of tired and didn't even bother with Frylock, who was still laying lifeless on the floor of his bedroom, which I immediately went after with a can of spray paint. Shake... does definitely rule.
As I was dragging Carl, the lummox I began to feel... a little bit peckish... my stomach growling, I couldn't concentrate on Shake's cool pool party on an empty stomach! Come on! Who am I to deny... the call of hunger? After checking the fridges of both my house and Carl--my other house I realized that... we're poor... and foodless. It was then when I picked up the smell of meat. Raw meat. The food that I craved just happened to be a meat... substance of sorts.
I pulled Carl's grill out from under the house and put soup on! You know that Meatwad goes so well when slathered on a bun with mayonnaise? He really does, I'm proud of him. Setting Carl up across from me next to the pool in my patio furniture at least gave me some...thing to look at as I ate. But the problem was, he was watching me back.
...those... beady little eyes...
...that... porn star mustache...
"So... Carl..." I asked, raising my sunglasses to look at his gaping face. "You hungry?"
Having eaten my share of Meatwad burger... as in all of it, I supplied Carl with the best substitute I could muster. With a laugh I closed Carl's mouth around some dog crap I found in the yard and patted him on the head. "There we go Carl, you get this lovely poo-poo platter, and I get... the doggy bag." I whipped my hand out of the plastic bag I had used to handle Carl's dinner and tossed it to the ground. Still, Carl's angry glare burned into my retinas. WHY must he consider to curse me with those dead... motionless eyes? WHY?!
***
Hour two, I left Carl at the precipice of death, literally hanging for his life on the water of the pool on a piece of drift wood that I found. If anything it was a life-like interpretation of the way he lived, on the edge. Dangerously... in a pool. I will always remember him, and when the wood rots and he falls into the water, I will look forward to the day when his water logged corpse comes back to life and comes over for dinner. Then maybe that day... we'll have Frylock.
I sat staring at the clock now, watching as the seconds hand stood completely still. I narrowed my eyes at it, trying to make it move. Because none would suspect that I... have developed telekinetic powers... I can move things with my mind, I am... the one... it was when the clock ticked backwards a notch that I think I really freaked out. "OHMYGODIGOTTAGETOUTTAHERE!!!" I screamed and ran about the house, hurling dishes, the chair, the television onto the floor as I flailed, trying to find some way out. "Oh God it's so boring! Life is horrible when you can't show off to other people! I gotta set this thing right!"
Determined I ran back to Frylock's room, kicking his body aside I began to type furiously on the computer, trying something... anything to restore time again. But that little red ball blinked at me. I looked at it, it stared back at me. "You looking at me? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me back into my own time, dammit!"
The red light on the ball blinked, and responded in a very mechanical voice; "I can't do that Shake..."
I felt my eye twitch, I screamed and grabbed the closest bat I could find and swung it with all my might, shattering the machine, causing a massive shakedown that even I could have imagined. The world began to vibrate, then twist together in what looked like one of those retro 80's music videos. A flash suddenly followed.
***
"Shake? Shake! What did you do!?!" Frylock's voice scared me, I turned on instinct and swatted him across the head with my bat.
"Frylock?" I asked, still hard to believe it was him. "Frylock! You're alive!"
"Of course I'm alive, wha-how did you... what the F**k did you do to my room?"
I noticed the mess as well, knowing full well that Frylock would never believe me, I didn't want to tell him that I was in fact stuck in time and almost went crazy in the two hours that I was gone. "It was aliens, aliens did it."
"You did this in two hours? Where's Carl? And Meatwad?" Clearly he wasn't as dumb as he... was...
From outside the sound of something splashing caught our attention, and we turned to look out Frylock's bedroom window as Carl had fallen into his pool. There was a great flash of light followed by the most emasculated scream ever heard on this green Earth as Carl's new pet eels had their way with them... probably while having their way with him we'll never know. The point is he's dead and I...
"Whoa..." I put my hands on my stomach.
"What's wrong with you now." Frylock asks the dumbest questions.
"Well suddenly I don't feel so---BLARRRRGH!!!" My voice was cut off in a choking scream as I watched Meatwad bust through my very core, splattering my blood and guts everywhere in a thirty degree angle in front of me.
"Hi Shake! Happy Birthday!"
END
lol
