Archer

Archer: How could she pick Lana over me? Woodhouse: The mind fairly boggles. Archer: Exactly. Wait, was that sarcasm? Woodhouse: No, sir. Archer: Good, because your opinion matters. And since you seem unclear on the concept, that WAS sarcasm. Woodhouse: Well played, Sir. Archer: Thank you. (long pause) Thank you.

Archer: (paralyzed, head in Lana's lap, laughs) Lana: Oh my god... you're getting off on this! Archer: And?

(after Rona injects Archer with paralyzer) Lana: (paralyzed) Archer... ook... out... Archer: (paralyzed, falling) Nice... arning... upid...

Lana: Well, if your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle.

Archer: There's a sniper out there whose bullet could spark World War III and you idiots are tying up ISIS resources on high school bull****? Ray: No! Pam&Cheryl: Yes. Archer: Cause I don't really see a downside to that, Archer-wise. Here, load up. Should be a big box of grenades here somewhere.

Rona: You just have to find the right guy, who's not intimidated by your power. Lana: Or my twin TEC-9s. Rona: Or those big steam shovely scoops you call hands...

Cheryl: Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge... It was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm, but I thought, if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in, so one Saturday, when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room, to see what kind of music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes, or whatever, but... Pam: (laughing) But you were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in? Cheryl: (angry) Because he totally snuck up on me! Then I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all... Pam: What!? Why did you have a knife!? Cheryl: I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors! (grabs scissors off desk, Pam and Ray take a step back) And it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed... Pam: Holy ****snacks. Cheryl: Yeah. They said he could have gone pro. Ray: So... glossing over why you broke your own arm... Cheryl: So he'd sign my cast...

Archer: She's gonna wish I was never born! Krieger: Just gonna softball it in like that?

Pam: Oh, come on! Haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy? Ray: No! Well, except Randy Muckler, who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft, so I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing Mr. Hooks-For-Hands!? Pam: (shocked) Did... Ray: A booby trap blew his arms off. (emotional) They said it was in a coconut!

Rona: Oh my god, have you read Unleashing the Me?? By Reinhardt Schmoll??

Archer: (attempting to instruct Rona on the firing range) You're all rigid and stiff, which you know, I'm all for - rim shot - but not on the range. You gotta relax, let your weapon be an extension of your body. (fires at target) Rona: Oh my god. (bullet holes on target make a smiley face) Archer: Oh, I meant to make a frowny face. But hey, speaking of your body, and my body, and stiffness...

Lana: At least that time you fired downrange. Rona: And oh my god, seriously, I am so really super sorry about that. Brett: Totally my fault. Rona: Please go buy yourself a new suit at Bergdorf's and send the bill to my manager. Brett: I will take you up on that... right after I go to the hospital. Rona: Oh my god, if I, like, possessed the capacity to be embarrassed... Lana: Eh, I shouldn't have started you off with a fully auto.

Cop: You! Get your fricking hands up! Cheryl: You're not my supervisor! Pam: Shut up, we're gonna go to prison. Cheryl: No, we're not. Say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months. Ray: I, just this second, realized why you do macrame instead of knitting. Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that. (waving macrame at cops) Whooo was? Cop: She's got a weapon! Drop it! Cheryl: (screaming) YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!