Are You Being Served?

Mr Tebbs: You ought to take a look at some Gorgonzola cheese through a microscope. All that green stuff is full of big bugs, with long wavy arms.

Mr Humphries: (worried) Don't say that, I've got some in the cupboard, my mother's alone in the house!

Mr Harman: There you are: five coffees and three teas.

Miss Brahms: Which is which?

Mr Harman: The tea is the one with the froth on top. That's on account of Elsie cleans the urn on Wednesdays and she's lavish with the detergent.

Mr Lucas: Why isn't the coffee frothy?

Mr Harman: Mrs Wudonga does that and she uses Vim.

Captain Peacock: (About Mr. Grace taking a 3-day work week) What happens if something comes up while he is in the country? Mr. Humpries: We will send him someone with long, sexy legs and an agreeable disposition. Mrs.Slocombe: What about someone with an understanding smile?

Mrs Slocombe: I'm of the opinion that those who are closest to retirement should leave now and not drag it out. Mr Humphries: Don't forget your handbag. Mrs Slocombe: (angrily) Right! Fairy cakes! Mr Humphries: Oh! So it's all coming out now, is it?

Mr Tebbs: Would you say I'm past it, Mr Humphries? Mr Humphires: Certainly not, Mr Tebbs, there are minutes left in you.