Arrested Development Season 3 Episode 11

Lucille: Michael. What a surprise.
Michael: Really? Were you expecting somebody else? Maybe, uh, one of your two daughters?
Lucille: Oh, Lindsay and Tobias never visit.

(Lucille's necklace has just stuck to the magnet)
Lucille: That's not a real gold necklace, is it?
George, Sr.: Well, it wasn't really your 50th birthday.

Tobias: I find myself attracted to someone who is not my wife.
Michael: What's her name?
Tobias: Michael. ... Can you believe it?

Michael: Lindsay, I can tell that it's real. It's like that feeling that you read about twins having.
Lindsay: We're twins. You didn't give me access to the banking.
Michael: No, you'd just ... you'd go out, and you'd just whore it up Lindsay, you know? Now, she's different. She's a little bit more like me. It's like we finish each other's --
Lindsay: Sandwiches.
Michael: ... Sentences. Why would I say --
Lindsay: Sandwiches.
Michael: (nods) That time, I was going to say sandwiches.

Maeby: I'm worried you're taking this too seriously.
George Michael: (huffs) Are you ... just the opposite.
("Here Comes the Bride" plays from Maeby's cell phone, George Michael chuckles and looks away)
Maeby: (turns off phone) What the hell is that?
George Michael: I bought you a wedding ring ... tone. (chuckles) Opposite of serious.

Michael: What the hell is going on? Nellie is not a, uh, uh, a prostitute.
Gob: Of course, she is. Oh, but I can see where the misunderstanding is. You didn't know. (yelling to Nellie in the background) Maybe we can give him a family discount!
Michael: Family discount is right, Gob. This is the sister I've been talking about.
Gob: Maybe I should have been getting a family rate ... (breaking down) Oh, my God.

Gob: The real problem is she keeps saying God is going to show me a sign, the ... something of my ways ... wisdom?

Michael: Even if we're not related, I think I would like for you to work here. You're very, very good at it. What you do for a job is not really a great way to make a living, you know?
Nellie: I make 300 grand a year.
Michael: Marry me. It's weird on so many levels.

Michael: You know, Gob, this might be that sign from God that you should change your ways.
Gob: No, I think that's going to be something big.

Gob: A lady of the evening. Working girl. She turns illusions for money ... tricks.

Tobias: Oh, God, here she is.
Michael: Next to that guy?
Tobias: What guy?
Michael: That guy.
Tobias: No, that's her.
Michael: Him?
Tobias: That's a girl. I think the name "Michael" is making you look for a man.
Michael: I think I'm looking at a man.

Tobias: Michael, look, this has got to stop. I mean, flattered? Yes. Interested? Not tonight.

Michael: (into the phone) Really? And all the guys like her, huh? That is - that is - that is great. Uh, you mean "away," though, right? Because, otherwise, it sounds a little different, but, uh, that's, uh, that's outstanding. You forgot to say "away" again. But listen, let me call you back in a bit, ok? Bye. (to Lindsay) Nellie has blown them all away.

Narrator: But she did have a list of won'ts.
Nellie: We're gonna have some ground rules first, ok? No (bleep bleep bleep) or (bleep). And no (bleep) unless you're wearing a (bleep) or you (bleep bleep). If this winds up on the Web, I will (bleep) you in the (bleep).
Ted: Our computers don't even work on the internet.

Nellie: Well, I was buried in loan debt from business school, so I started whoring myself out.

Michael: I-I'm not interested in you that way.
Tobias: What way?
Michael: Pick one.

Michael: Gob, listen. Can I ask you a question? Do you remember growing up with a sister?
Gob: Sister? Uh ... No, I don't. Not really ... ringing any bells.
Michael: Other than Lindsay, of course.
Gob: Oh! Lindsay!
Michael: Well, you might not be the most reputable source on this.

Lindsay: Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of "won'ts."
Tobias: Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list is of "can'ts."
Michael: Marital love can be so romantic.

Lindsay: Well, you know, maybe I would be more attracted to you if you were in better shape. You know, if you were just more muscular and masculine. Does that make me shallow?
Tobias: No. I was going to say the same thing to you.

Tobias: Yes. Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse.
Michael: You can just say intercourse.

Lindsay: Well, why don't you just go to Dad and ask him who Nellie is, point-blank?
Michael: So, he can just cover it up and lie? I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.
Tobias: Oh, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.
Michael: Ok, but that's the last one.