Arrested Development

Michael: I -- I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me? I -- I will pay you. Rita: ... You'll pay me? Michael: Not ... Not for sex. You're gonna think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right? Didn't he kill prostitutes, or ... Rita: I'm not a prostitute. Michael: And I shall let you live ... haha. This is my worst hello.

George Michael: I'm just in the middle of a stupid girl problem. That's all. Michael: I don't even have a girl, much less a stupid one. George Michael: No, the problem is stupid; the girl isn't stupid. Narrator: But if they ever had a child, it would be. Because the girl was his cousin Maeby.

George: Are you ready for the bombshell? Michael: Andy Griffith wasn't the bombshell? George: I'm a patsy. I was set up … by the Brits. A group of British builders operating outside the O.C. – Michael: Don't call it that.

George Sr.: These are dangerous people, Michael. They will do whatever it takes to get inside this family and bring us down....Oh, they're polite and the men all sound gay, but they will rip out your heart. And their breath...

Tobias: I realized it was for being a leading man. Oh, I can just taste those meaty leading man parts in my mouth!

Lupe: Mister Gay...he's bleeding! Mister Gay!

Narrator: Michael was filled with self-loathing. Had he been Jack the Ripper, he would have soothed himself in a most unsavory way. But instead, he just sat in his car and ate a whole thing of candy beans.

Michael: The feeling that you're feeling is what many of us call...a feeling. Gob: It's not like envy, or even hungry. Michael: Could it be love? Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite. It's like my heart is getting hard.

Wig Shop Employee: Are you going to buy this time, or are you just curious? Tobias: I suppose I'm buy-curious ... I have a big TV opportunity. Wig Shop Employee: Well, this is where all the big TV's come.

Michael: Don't I look kind of British? British Clerk: Perhaps if you're willing to lose twenty pounds. Narrator: The clerk was asking for a bribe, but this was lost on Michael. Michael: You guys do go for the jugular.

Michael: Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?

Michael: We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein. George Sr.: I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work!

George Sr.: You've got to get me out of here. Michael: You're the one that said no to prison. George Sr.: I was wrong. There, you just have to shut your eyes and take it. Here, you have to shut your eyes and give it.

Lindsay: You haven't had a serious relationship since your wife, and you guys weren't even speaking towards the end. Michael: A lot of that was the coma. Lindsay: Yeah, I've heard your side of it.

Michael: I'm amazed Dad hasn't strangled himself with his belt yet. Lucille: Oh, we're into all kinds of freaky stuff. Michael: Why do I eat breakfast before I come here?

Lucille: He's just jealous that I have a man back in my life. And guess what else is back? Michael: My breakfast? Lucille: My friskiness. Mama horny, Michael. Michael: No, it's my breakfast.

Buster: Mother, have you seen my rubber hand? Lucille: It's in the dishwasher. Your father and I were using it for something. Buster: Oh for God's sake! Can't you keep my hand to yourself?