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Tobias: (talking about the money their fund-raiser brought in) Well, most of that money was from the Bluth Company. I mean, how ...
(Michael looks surprised) ... are you?
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Lindsay: Um, I forget their name, but I know they're hungry. I think some are thirsty.
-
Lucille: (showing Michael her fox scarf) Michael, look. Look what happened to my fox. Someone cut off its little foot. Is it, is it noticeable?
Michael: Well, you've got to remember you're going to be all splattered in red paint. That's gonna distract the eye.
-
Michael: Hasn't everything already sorta been discovered, by like, Magellen and Cortez?
Buster: Oh yeah, yeah....
Michael: All those folks.
Buster: Those guys did a pretty good job. But there's still ... you know ...
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Gay Protesters: We're here, we're queer, we wanna get married on the ocean!
-
(After George Sr. is put in jail)
Michael: And Lindsay, I expected this from them because they're completely oblivious. But you, you should know better.
(Michael walks away)
Gob: Lindsay, he's really mad at you.
-
Narrator: And Michael finds it difficult to get his father out of jail.
Michael: You love it here?
George Sr.: Oh, I'm having the time of my life. Hey, T-Bone.
-
Birthday Party Man: I'll be honest. I'm just more comfortable with an Alliance-approved magician.
G.O.B.: Aw. Give 'em a hell of a show, champ.
Teen Magician: (bleep) off, traitor.
-
Lindsay: You've had $80,000 worth of cartography lessons. Get us a channel to the ocean.
Buster: Okay, okay, okay.
(Pauses)
Buster: Obviously this blue part here is the land.
-
G.O.B.: Are those police boats
(Symbol Clash)
G.O.B.: No, I'm serious. I think they are police boats.
-
G.O.B.: So what? Lindsay's been staying at the Four Seas for, like, a month— she's probably charging the company.
Michael: Lindsay's been in town for a month?
G.O.B.: I don't think so.
-
Michael: What have we always said is the most important thing. What comes first?
George Michael: Breakfast.
Michael: Family.
George Michael: Family. Right. I thought you meant out of the things you eat.
-
Narrator: Tobias recently lost his medical license for administering C.P.R. to a person who, as it turns out, was not having a heart attack.
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Lucille: If you're saying I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all my children equally.
(Earlier that day)
Lucille: I don't care for Gob.
-
Michael: Dad was always banker, so there was no beating him.
George Michael: He should have been stocking up on those "get out of jail free" cards.
-
Michael: (about George Michael) Well, I guess he really misses his family.
Lindsay: Well, he doesn't know us very well.
Michael: Yeah, clearly.
-
Michael: Well, I'm sorry. It's just it's too late. I'm truly sorry, but I'm moving to Phoenix. I got a job. (long pause) It's something you apply for, and then they pay you to, um ... never mind. I don't want to ruin the surprise.
-
Tobias: I'm alright, gang. What an adventure gang. I thought that the homosexuals were pirates, but it turns out most of them were actors in the local theater. You're right, though. It is amazing, I've been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me ... And I think it has ...
Lindsey: You're gay?
Tobias: No. No ... Ha, I'm not gay. How many times must we have this conversation?
-
Lindsay: (regarding uncircumcised penises) I think it looks frightening when it's cut off. It's a Doberman -— let it have its ears.
-
(Whispering)
George Sr.: They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael: Yeah? I don't think that that's true, dad.
George Sr.: Really? I've got the worst (bleep) attorneys!
-
Lucille: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire!
Lindsay: Good grief, Mother! Not all homosexuals are flamboy -- Oh, my God, I have the exact same blouse.
-
Michael: Maybe you'll be inspired by the boat party tonight and start a career as a pirate.
Tobias: I haven't packed for that.
-
Lucille: And I'm putting Buster in charge.
Gob: He's a good choice.
Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?
-
Gob: You know, I sort of thought my contribution could be a magic show.
(Shot of Alliance of Magicians)
Michael: Oh, that's perfect, Gob.
Gob: Thank you.
Michael: Or, wait a minute. I just remembered something — Dad's retiring, not turning six.
-
Michael: Ok, guys, um ... They are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they're going to have to put a halt on the company's expense account. (All gasp) Interesting. I would've expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail".
-
Narrator: Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates, Tobias boarded a van full of homosexuals.
-
Maeby: Um, yeah, I bought a frozen banana, and when I bit into it, I found this.
George Michael: It looks like a foot.
Maeby: It tasted like a foot. Which I didn't really mind, but I'm pretty sure I said "no nuts".
-
Michael: So ... this is the magic trick, huh?
Gob: "Illusion," Michael. A "trick" is something a whore does for money. (Michael points out that a bunch of kids are staring at Gob with their mouths open) ... Or candy!
-
Lucille: I'd rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.
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Michael: Unbelievable. Sounds like you saved enough skin to make 10 new boys.
-
Lucille: Look what they've done, Michael. Look what the homosexuals have done to me.