-
Michael: You're planning an escape.
George Sr.: How dare you? I oughta shave your head and make you sit under that camera all night, mister.
-
Lucille: I'm trying to seduce him.
Michael: Who's the "I" in that sentence?
Lucille: Me.
Michael: You?
Narrator: Her.
-
Lucille: Everything looks delicious.
Warden Gentles: Oh, One Eye is a wonderful chef. I've had to go to his parole hearings twice and lie through my teeth to keep him here.
-
Gob: (abouting breaking into the prison) It can't be that hard to get into. It's not a Jamba Juice.
-
Lucille: You can smuggle yourself out because I'm staying in the conjugal trailer with Warden Gentles.
George, Sr.: Him?
-
George Michael: Is that a screenplay? Warden Gentles' screenplay?
Maeby: That's what you're going to tell me.
-
Gob: Sounds like a tennis match between Steffi Graf and Happy Days star Donny Host.
Narrator: That's 'Most'!
-
Benefit Attendee: I'd rather contribute to TBA!
-
Narrator: Buster had recently brought home a turtle in an incredibly misguided attempt to make his mother jealous.
Buster: You can stay in this box that Uncle/Father Oscar left behind.
Narrator: In fact, it was a box of Oscar's legally obtained medical marijuana.
Buster: Oh, good, you've already got grass.
Narrator: Primo bud. Real sticky weed.
-
Tobias: I'm afraid I'm with Michael on this. The guy runs a prison. He can have any piece of ass he wants.
-
Warden Gentiles: I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries.
-
Lindsay: Did it ever occur to you that maybe Warden Gentiles likes her?
Michael: Likes her what?
Lindsay: No, I mean, likes her. Like, is attracted to her.
Michael: Who's the "her" in that sentence?
Lindsay: Mom. Warden Gentiles likes Mom.
Michael: Her?
-
Lucille: I want to cry so badly, but I don't think I can spare the moisture.
-
Gob: It's a jet-pack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong?
-
Michael: The whole thing is a scam. Mom was just using that warden to try to get Dad out. She's not trying to seduce him at all.
Lindsay: Oh, no, she is. She's spending the night with him. She just called to ask me to bring her a tube of vag ... table paste.
-
Michael: Mom wants to sleep with the warden.
Gob: What? Oh, God!
Lindsay: Great.
Michael: Great? The man is old enough to be her contemporary, Lindsay.
-
Tobias: Oh, come on. Don't leave your Uncle T-Bag hanging!
George Michael: Please don't call yourself that.
-
Michael: I don't need to take my Mom to a gala, ok? Only losers go to those things with their parents. I'm going with my son.
-
(After Tobias falls down the stairs)
Gob: (talking about the camera) Oh, no! It was on stand by! Think you could do that again?
-
George Michael: The new facility's pretty nice. It's like school ... but air-conditioned.
-
Warden Gentles: (after a failed allusion) I don't know why I always assume that everyone has read my screenplay.