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Narrator: Michael watched as the brother he swore to stop helping enjoyed the girlfriend he helped him reunite with. And so, he returned to work, accepting the fact that he was a good guy. But not as good as everyone thought.
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George Michael: It's like you said. You can't change who you are. So what? So, I don't have any hair on my arms or legs. So what? You know, a leather jacket's not going to change that. You know, I was trying to act like a tough guy, and it's wrong. I'm just a boring, old nice guy like you.
Michael: I'm not that nice.
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Lucille: You know, he's damaged goods. He was born with a hole in his heart.
Lucille 2: Listen to me, Lucille. I'm going to fill that hole 'cause we're in love.
Lucille: Oh, please. You're no more in love with him than I am.
Buster: Okay, we're all saying some things we're going to regret.
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Lucille: Buster's been humping the widow Austero.
Buster: Mom ...
George, Sr.: Is that true?
Buster: No. We're taking it slow.
Lucille: He stays there sometimes until 7:00, 8:00 at night. Peanut brittle on his breath. Is she the one who's going to take him to the dentist?
Buster: She already has.
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Lucille: Why is there a piece of shoe on your head?
George, Sr.: This is a ... Well, it's a reminder that the divine presence is always above me.
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George Michael: Oh, you bought a chair.
Michael: Uh, no. Actually, uh, I borrowed it, like we talked about.
George Michael: Well, I thought we decided that was like stealing.
Michael: Is that where we landed on that?
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Maeby: Did you get a job or something?
Tobias: No. No, I didn't. Unless you consider "world's coolest daddy" a job.
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Lindsay: This just isn't you.
Michael: It's me now. It's the me that can recline.
(Michael leans back and falls off his chair)
Lindsay: Did that hurt?
Michael: No.
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Gob: You're a good brother, Michael.
Lindsay: You're a horrible brother, Michael.
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Narrator: And so, for the first time, Michael set a plan in motion to take something that didn't belong to him.
Michael: You know, I was thinking. I'd like to help you guys out one more time. You know what you should do? You should surprise Gob on stage. I know that he's looking for a new assistant.
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Lance: May I help you?
Tobias: Oh, I hope so. Um, I'm looking for something that says, "Dad likes leather."
Lance: Something that says, "leather daddy"?
Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?
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Tobias: Oh, Maeby, great news. I got my hands on some money. I can't say how or when ... or where my wedding ring is, but my purse overfloweth, as do my high spirits, so a-shopping we must go.
Maeby: Dad, we already went.
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Tobias: You have to be some sort of she-hulk to get this.
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Michael: Great. Great. You know what, Gob? Marta is a once-in-a-lifetime woman. She's a treasure, and I don't think you're showing her enough respect, okay?
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Michael: So, Rollo wants your legs, but you're cheating on Marta with those legs. Is that about right?
Gob: Would you give me a break, please? The legs are insanely jealous.
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Michael: Then, why does he want to break your legs?
Gob: He doesn't want to break my legs. He wants to take my legs.
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Michael: I don't know whether this guy's a mobster, a loan shark, something equally scary.
Gob: Magician.
Michael: I think you're confusing "scary" with "silly." This guy was frightening. He was in a limo.
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Buster: Mom, you're ruining our fort!
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Lucille: I'm so glad you're here. I want you to help me break up your brother and his girlfriend.
Michael: Well, I'm all for that. We just got to find him first.
Lucille: He's locked on the balcony.
Michael: Oh, you meant Buster. I thought you were talking about Gob.
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Rollo: If you care about your brother, you'll get in this car.
Michael: Which brother?
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Tobias: Well, I don't need money to hang out with my daughter. Where are you going?
Maeby: We're going shopping.
Tobias: Oh, no, no, I can't do that.
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Tobias: There's my little girl. I've got great news. Daddy has the entire day off.
Maeby: But you have every day off ... You don't have a job.
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Maeby: Your legs look exactly like mine, and I just shaved mine.
George Michael: So, I'm thinking of getting a motorcycle.
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Lindsay: You are too nice.
Michael: Oh, come on, what was I supposed to do, tell her that Gob is not staying here? Tell her that Gob is screwing around on her, God knows where he is? Actually, that-that sounded okay.
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Michael: Well, he hasn't been here.
Marta: But he said he was staying here. Oh, my God. Maybe he's staying with another woman.
Michael: No, no, no. No, no, no. No, he is staying here. I just haven't seen him here ... the foyer, or the kitchen.
Marta: Well, that's a relief.
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Gob: Real needle, real apple. Real neck.
Amable: He's a zombie!
Marta: They're children! How could you do that?
Gob: Oh, sure, first you dump all over it, now you want to know how it's done.
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Marta: I was just looking for Gob.
Michael: Well, you're his girlfriend.
Narrator: Michael wished Marta was his girlfriend, a secret he had only shared with Lindsay.
Marta: Actually, we had a big fight. He thought I was belittling his career, but I never would do that.
Michael: Neither would I. What career?
Marta: The magic?
Michael: Oh, the tricks, the little tricks. Those are great.
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George Michael: What are you doing?
Michael: I'm doing a little cost projection analysis for a mini mall.
George Michael: Wow, that's pretty cool you know how to do all that stuff.
Michael: Yeah, maybe your old man's just a little bit cooler than you thought he was, huh?
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Cab driver: Where to, mate?
Tobias: The Gothic Castle.
Cab driver: Gothic a**h*le?
Tobias: That's what I said!
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Rallo: Tell me, where did you get two alliance approved assistants on such short notice?
Gob: Oh, no, that was just my girlfriend and my nephew!
Rallo: You're back out.
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Michael: I'm a saint, you know. I'm a living saint, and I get absolutely nothing out of it.
Lindsay: Well, you get a false feeling of superiority.
Michael: That is nice, but this time it's not enough.
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Buster: And I'm going to continue dating, Mom.
Michael: It sounds a little bit like dating Mom.
Buster: It's starting to feel a little like it.
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Lucille: Oh, don't give me that look. I happen to be a more caring mother than most.
Buster: Where's my bed?
Lucille: I put it in storage.
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Lucille: (about Lucille 2) She changed him as a baby!
Michael: Ok, that's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
Buster: That's why she didn't look surprised.
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Michael: Call me what you want ...
Lindsay: An impotent man-boy.
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Lucille: You're the only one who chose a spouse I liked and she had to die.
Michael: I know, that's rough for you.
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Marta: I can't believe the legs would screw him like this!
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Michael: Mom, I'm looking for Gob. There's some people after him, and I don't know whether it's gambling or what, but they want to break his legs.
Lucille: It's a good thing he's already got that little scooter!
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Michael: Since when are you against leather?
Maeby: Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian.
Lindsay: Well, I'm not against the insides. I mean, people need meat to survive.
Michael: You are aware they don't remove it surgically, right?