Barney Miller

Season 2 Episode 4


Aired Thursday 8:00 PM Oct 02, 1975 on ABC

Episode Recap

Prologue: Wojo is using a hand exerciser and it's driving Fish crazy. He asks Wojo if he's going to use it all day. Wojo says that if you take care of your body, it will take of you. Fish says at this point he and his body owe each other nothing. Kogan arrives with the morning mail. Fish notes that it's almost 5 pm. Kogan says that it came early. Wojo jokes that eight hours later it will be morning mail again. Kogan gives him a look, then gives mail to Fish. He says he wouldn't write anyone if his life depended on it. Kogan puts letters on Chano's and Harris' desks. He says they smell of perfume. Wojo says that maybe they are writing each other. Barney comes in with the next day's duty roster and tells Fish and Wojo they can go home. Wojo tells Barney he got a call from Sardana Beach, Florida. Barney says he took it already but Wojo says they called back. He asks if someone is trying to sell Barney a lot and he says they're offering him a job. He asks where Chano and Harris are. Wojo says they went out on a call half an hour ago with Yemana. Barney asks if they had called in yet. Wojo says no and then asks Barney if he's leaving. Barney says that he hasn't decided yet. Kogan gives him the morning mail, and Barney does the same joke Wojo said earlier. Kogan laughs at it and Wojo says he told that joke earlier. Fish asks Barney if he can see what his mail says. He says it's a charge for $26. Fish asks what the charge is for. Barney says that it looks like it's from a restaurant but he can't make out the name. Wojo says that it can't be a restaurant because there's no tip. Fish says it's from a restaurant. Chano and Harris come in. Chano is saying that no one cares. Harris tells him to take it easy but he starts speaking Spanish. Barney asks what happened and Harris says Yemana got a bullet in his cheek. Barney says, 'Oh, my God,' but Harris says, 'Not that one.' He also says that he'll be in Bellevue Hospital for a week. Chano starts cursing in Spanish and Barney asks for details. Chano says that they got some info on a robbery suspect. When they went to check it out, people were waiting for them. Harris says two men opened up on them before they could say anything. Chano goes on a rant about not being able to read them their rights. Barney asks if they got a look at the shooters. Harris says they didn't get a chance to see much. Chano says that 'We were on the floor, man. Trying to get under the floor.' Barney says that someone out there doesn't like them. Wojo says they picked a fine way of showing it. Barney then says they have an advantage: 'They know how to get to us.' Fish says, 'Not if we don't take any more calls.' A phone then rings. No one picks it up, but more phones start to ring. Fish picks up his phone. Barney says, 'No guts' and leaves, and the detectives each pick up their phones.
Part Two: Kogan puts up a newspaper story on the ambush on the bulletin board. Fish is on the phone with his bank. He says that to go ahead and take his bank charge away because he can't afford credit anyway. He then says that he doesn't want to argue: he can't read the charge so he isn't going to pay it. Barney comes out and says that Yemana sends his love and that in lieu of flowers, he wants a rubber doughnut. He asks how the investigation into the ambush is going. Harris hands him a stack of reports. He says they are all known cat haters. Barney says that it's a growing industry.  Chano says it's because of their image, that they go around doing a lot of smiling. The dour Fish says that is true. Wojo says he wished they had got a good look at the shooter. Harris said the apartment was dark. Wojo says he wished he had been there. Harris sarcastically says he forgot Wojo was a Marine. He asks what is wrong with that and Chano says Marines don't smile. Wojo says they just approach things differently. Harris says that he's not the only one that was in the service. Chano says that Harris was in the Coast Guard for two years--in the legal department. Barney tells them there's enough cop hating out there, they don't need it in the squad room. Wojo asks how they will find them. Barney says 'Don't worry about it. They'll call us.' Wojo asks how they'll know it's them. Barney says 'You won't... till you get there.' Detective Kelly enters the squad room, or as he calls it, the United Nations. He asks Chano how things are going and he says great, now that they are moving to Central Park West. Kelly says that is a rich neighborhood and asks how 'your people' could do that. Chano calls it a community thing: 'It's called revolucion.' Kelly asks if he's putting him on and Chano says 'Only for a while.' Kelly tells Harris he smells nice and asks what he's wearing. Harris says nothing and asks if he's surprised. Barney comes out and Kelly says that he's there as a temporary replacement for Yemana. He says that the NYPD likes to keep him moving around and Barney says he can understand that. Kelly says that he doesn't like replacing someone who just died. Barney says that Yemana hasn't bought anything more serious than a week on his stomach. He tells Kelly to use Yemana's desk. Wojo takes another call from Florida for Barney; he says he'll take it in his office. Kelly asks what happened to Yemana and Fish tells him about the ambush. He asks if it happened because Yemana was Japanese and refers to Pearl Harbor. Wojo says it was someone who doesn't like cops. Kelly says that it's happening more and more. He says that people used to like cops. He says cops used to have Irish names but now they are Al Pacino and Richard Roundtree: 'No wonder we're getting ambushed.' Wojo says he thinks Barney is leaving. He tells the other detectives about the job offer. Chano says he's been offered jobs before. Harris says that it's a beautiful time to go: 'Ambush time in Manhattan when the dingbats are in bloom.' Barney comes out and asks the detectives if any one of them wants to be the police chief in Sardana Beach. Harris says he'll take it. Kelly says 'You gotta be kidding.' Harris says they must have seen Blazing Saddles by now. Wojo asks if he's not going to take the job. Barney says he said he's think about it. Chano asks if he can take anyone with him other than family. Kelly takes a call from a woman who had her apartment robbed. Wojo says it could be another setup and asks Kelly to go with him. He's rather reluctant, saying he just got there. Wojo says it's their turn but Kelly says he doesn't want to take another guys collar. Fish says he will go. Barney says to verify the call first. Kelly calls that a rookie trick, trying to muscle in on another collar. Fish verifies the call, then Barney tells Wojo and Kelly to go out. Then Kelly says he's ready. Barney tells him to keep his eyes open. Wojo asks Harris and Chano if he wasn't trying to muscle in on their collar. They both say no. Wojo says he wouldn't do anything like that and he has a lot of respect for the Coast Guard.
Part Two: Barney is talking to Fish in his office about the job offer. He says he talked to Liz about it and goes over all the good things about it. Fish can tell he turned it down. Barney says he would miss the challenge of New York and be bored without all the pressures and problems, so they asked him to recommend someone else and he recommended Fish. He asks Barney if he told them how old he was. Barney says he told then Fish was 'extremely mature' and Fish says 'So you lied.' Barney says he told them about Fish's facing forced retirement and it would be a shame to waste a valuable piece of manpower. Fish asks if he didn't think he'd be bored and Barney says that boredom is a state of mind. Fish conceded that it might not be a bad idea, that it might improve his relationship with Bernice, seeing her with a tan. Harris finds a record of a man who had three unprovoked attacks on police officers, but he's doing 1 to 10 for tax evasion. Chano says he finally went too far. Wojo brings in an Emile Ditka He insists he was doing nothing but cleaning his rifle. Wojo says they are just conducting an investigation. Kelly comes up with Ditka's rifle. He calls it the old Army bunkmate: 'Always keeps you company and never gets pregnant.' Wojo tells Chano that Ditka was on the roof of the building across from the one where the woman was robbed cleaning his rifle. Chano asks why he was doing that on the roof and Ditka says that he likes to be in full view of local youth. Barney and Fish come out of the office and Wojo introduces him to Ditka. Wojo says the rifle hasn't been fired yet. Barney asks Ditka if he planned on firing yet and he says 'If the need arises and opportunity presents itself, Que sera sera.' Barney asks if it's registered and Ditka says it is. Barney has Kelly check it out and he takes it and starts using it like a soldier. Everyone looks at him and he says 'They say war ain't supposed to be fun, but that one's about as close as you can get.' Ditka asks when he can call his lawyer and Wojo says there is no need to because he's not being charged with a crime. Ditka says his group has been hassled before. Barney asks what group that is and Ditka says 'The Staten Island Shoot Club and Personal Armament League.' Barney says he is not familiar with it and Ditka says he will be. Barney says it's good that they have support in some quarters. Ditka says they keep a low profile for security reasons. Barney asks how many there are in the league and Ditka says four. Chano then takes a call from who he believes is the same person who called in the info that lead to the ambush. Barney says that they will all go and tells Wojo to draw some weapons. He tells Fish to get his excitement while he can. Kelly comes back and says the rifle checks out. Barney then tells him to draw Ditka some ammunition so he can go with them. Ditka is reluctant, saying that they've only been on maneuvers a couple of times. Barney says that practical experience is the best experience. Ditka says he doesn't know if he can get the others together, one being a fry cook and doesn't get off till 4:30. Barney says to come by himself but he says he never shot a person before, that the only use silhouettes, cans, birds. Kelly gets upset over shooting birds, and Ditka says they don't shoot to kill. Barney says this is his opportunity. Ditka says he can't make him shoot anybody. Barney says he thought that's what he wanted. Ditka takes his rifle, calls them crazy and it's no wonder people don't like them. Barney says it's a wonderful opportunity and he blew it. Ditka calls them blood-thirsty devils and leaves. Barney tells Kelly to mind the phones and they all leave. When they get back, Kelly gives Fish a message from the people in Florida. Wojo asks if everyone is leaving. Fish asks Barney if he can take it in his office. Kelly asks where they were. Wojo says it was another set up but they got them. Kelly says he was all alone answering the phones. He then asks where Chano and Harris were. Wojo says they took the suspects downtown since it was their collar. Barney reads a message: 'Pick up bread on way home tonight.' He says there is no name on it and asks if it's for Fish or him. Kelly says it's for Wojo: 'It's not bread, it's broad.' Chano and Harris then come in all wet and smelly. They say that people threw garbage on them as they took the suspects away. Harris says he is 'totally disenchanted.' Fish says that the people in Florida are interested and he'd think about it. He asks Barney if they told him why they need a new police chief. Barney says the old one died. Fish says he died of boredom: he was sitting behind a desk one day in his office when a guy who was bored came in and shot him. Barney says life is a gamble at best, wherever you are. Fish says that he would miss the excitement and challenge and a man needs something to keep him out of the house. Chano says he might take the job. He asks if no one appreciates what they do, why should they hang around. Barney says if they didn't expect so much they wouldn't be disappointed. Chano says all he wants is someone to say thank you every once in a while. Barney says it happens. Chano says that he hadn't heard it. Barney reads a letter from a woman who says she was robbed and the policemen were courteous and returned the items she lost. She thanked them profusely. Harris asked when they got that letter and Barney says sixteen years before. Chano says she's either eighty-eight or they're alone again.
Epilogue: Barney posts the duty roster for the rest of the week. He says that Chano and Harris are due in court the next day. Chano says he has to get his suit cleaned and Harris asks if that is all he has. Fish is on the phone to his wife. He tells her he doesn't want a dog because they just had the couch covered. He asks why she needs company, she is not a young woman anymore. Wojo takes another call from Florida. Barney asks if its for him or Fish, but he says it's for Kelly. He says he put some feelers out. He asks to take the call in Barney's office and he says 'That's what it's for.'