Barney Miller

Season 3 Episode 11


Aired Thursday 8:00 PM Dec 30, 1976 on ABC

Episode Recap

Prologue: Nick tells Fish about a bankruptcy sale and asks if he wants to buy a cemetery plot. Fish says he's donating his body to medical science, 'if they'll take it.' Barney asks about the coffee and Fish says it's thick. Barney suggests mixing in hot water and Fish said he did, 'that's what made it thick.' Wojo comes in offering brownies made by Gloria, a girl he met that had been hanging out at the precinct. Barney refuses, saying he has to watch his 'spare tire.' Wojo says Gloria calls them 'love handles.' Nick takes them when he finds out Wojo didn't make them. Harris refuses, saying he has to watch his love handles. Officer Levitt comes in with the mail, and his service record, for being considered to be a detective. He says he has initiative, dedication, and loyalty, but no height. Barney insists he is under consideration, but it takes time. Levitt says he is on duty until 5:30. Nick takes a call from someone saying two men in Washington Square are dueling with sabers. Barney has Harris go with Nick. Harris takes a brownie on the way out. Wojo asks where he heard the term 'love handles' and Harris says, 'Around the neighborhood.' Wojo looks upset as if Gloria was two-timing him.
Part One: A cop named Mike Slater comes in to see Fish. They went through the police academy 35 years before, but Fish doesn't seem interested in reliving old times. Harris and Nick return with two men speaking Polish. Wojo translates until one starts speaking English. One, Janusz Makovski, is an actor, and the other, Zbigniew Pscsola, is a critic for a Polish language newspaper. Harris calls them 'natural enemies.' Slater asks if Fish is still married to Bernice, and goes on about her dancing. In taking their statements, the detectives find out that Makovski felt insulted by a review Psczola made on his performance in a play. Slater leaves, calling Fish 'lucky.' Wojo takes a call from a woman who found a burglar in her apartment, but gets the address wrong(he's eating another brownie as he tells Barney about the call). He says the suspect went onto the roof, walking his fingers up Barney's arm and chest. He tells Fish to go with him and to be careful if he goes on the roof. Wojo takes another brownie, saying it's for energy. Nick dunks a brownie in his coffee, saying it gets mushy, and he keeps repeating the word 'mushy.' Makovski shows the review where Psczola says he played his role like a 'howling jackass.' Psczola says he apologizes to the jackasses. Nick laughs at this and Harris comes over, saying, 'What's happening, baby?' Nick starts singing, which brings Barney out. Nick asks Barney if his mother was from Killarney. Harris tells Barney he thinks Nick is stoned, then Nick says they should go to the beach and shoot some clams. Barney grabs the brownies and asks him how many he had; he starts whispering 'mushy, mushy' in Barney's ear. Barney asks Harris if he had any and he says yes. Then Barney asks Harris to analyze them; he starts eating one and Barney yells, 'Not that way!' Harris says they have hashish in them, based on the way he feels.' Nick then starts singing again.
Part Two: Barney tells Harris that the lab confirmed his thoughts, that the brownies are laced with hashish. When Nick comes out of Barney's office asking if anyone has seen his legs, Barney tells both of them to go home and stay there until they feel better. He has them go down the back stairs, then Levitt comes in saying he was told he was needed. Barney asks if he can type and Nick asks if he can spell 'cat.' Then he has Harris squint his eyes. When he does, Nick says he heard it, and it went 'squish squish.' Harris calls it beautiful and pushes Nick out. Levitt asks what is wrong with them and Barney says it is overwork. Makovski says it is very Chekovian, and Psczola says it's more intense. Levitt answers a call as 'Acting Detective Levitt.' The call is from Bernice, asking if she should save dessert for her husband; Barney tells him to tell her he's already had dessert. Barney then releases the actor and critic because of the circumstances. He asks them to find more innocuous ways to settle their differences and they agree. Wojo and Fish come in with the burglary suspect, who calls them hot dogs. Fish says he never felt better, and Wojo says he robbed three apartments, and the suspect says he jumped from the apartment building and Fish jumped after him, a 12 foot distance between the apartment and a bank. Barney tells him about the brownies and Wojo is surprised. Fish says, 'First time in 20 years I felt really good, and it has to be illegal.' Wojo asks the suspect his name and he says 'Fred;' it takes a long time for him to type it before he asks his last name. Barney tells the Poles that they need each other; how a critic needs an actor to criticize, and an actor needs critics to publicize them. He says they owe each other apologies. Makowski asks for forgiveness and Psczola accepts it 'with gratitude and respect.' After he leaves, Makowski says, 'Now that was a performance!' Levitt comes out with the sabers, asking what they are for, Fish says crowd control. Barney sends Wojo home after making several mistakes on the arrest report. Wojo asks forgiveness, saying, 'To err is human, to forgive divine.' Barney tries to put it off, but Wojo says, 'Forgive me, Barn. Be divine.' He says he does, but Wojo doesn't believe him. He asks Levitt to take Wojo home, explaining what happened, but he thinks it's for other reasons. Barney drags Wojo out the door, but not before he gets a hug. Slater comes back saying he had a great lunch with Bernice and reiterating that he would take her if Fish let her go. He gets mad and yells at Slater to leave her alone and if he doesn't he would answer to him. After Slater leaves, he says, 'Oh, my God, what am I talking about?'
Epilogue: The next day, everyone feels better. Fish comes in limping, saying he broke a shoelace and didn't want to stop to fix it because 'you can't stoop over in this neighborhood.' Barney comes in and tells everyone that the hash incident is forgotten, but Wojo asks what incident he means.