Beautiful People (UK)

Season 2 Episode 3

How I Got My Water Feature

Aired Thursday 9:30 PM Nov 27, 2009 on BBC Two
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Episode Summary

How I Got My Water Feature
Simon desires a water feature for the family garden, while the women of Reading admire their new male fitness instructor.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (7)

      • Adult Simon/Narrator: My sister had caught the eye of the Tiger. And while he was making the garden moist, Kylie and I were contemplating the mystery of the female form.
        (Simon and Kylie peruse a nudie magazine)
        Simon: Oh, gross.
        Kylie: I know. Don't you just hate breasts?
        Simon: No. No, I just find them... slightly redundant.

      • Haley: I would like to be fitted for a bra, please.
        Simon: Uh...
        Haley: I believe you offer a measuring service.
        Simon: Uh...
        Haley: Well, this is Monsieur Antoine's, isn't it?
        Simon: If you'd like to accompany me to the cubicle, Madame. Jane, can you fetch me the tape measure?
        Kylie: Jane?
        Simon: Janetta-May?
        Kylie: That's more like it.
        Haley: Shall I just wap 'em out or what?
        (Simon whimpers)
        Oh, don't worry. I'm quite at home with nudity. I spent three years under canvas at Greenham.
        Simon: Will that really be necessary?
        Haley: Not that I'm a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with it. But, no, I have not actually tasted that particular forbidden fruit. Well, I have been tasted. Or licked. There were mushrooms involved and a Tracy Chapman mix tape. Do you know, I still can't hear Fast Car without coming out in turkey bumps in a very specific area.

      • Elaine Page: Everything okay?
        Simon: It would appear that I've one of those faces that lends me a melancholic air.
        Elaine Page: I'm the exact opposite. When I did Evita, the director kept shouting, "Stop smiling, Lainey, you're meant to be dying." Musical theater. Such hard work.
        Simon: You're amazing.
        Elaine Page: I know.

      • Debbie: Oh, Simon, ditch the smiley demeanor, I know you're clinically depressed
        Simon: How'd you work that one out?
        Debbie: 'Cause a mother knows.
        Simon: Well, then you must be a little bit stupid then, woman.
        Debbie: Don't you dare call me "woman."
        Simon: Why? What are you? A pre-operative transsexual?
        Debbie: Oh, stop showing off.
        Simon: Oh, a depressive show off. Well, there's a first.

      • Debbie: What, they've based a new exercise craze around The Slosh?
        Reba: Slosh-a-cise. I'm addicted. And the bloke what runs it, Tiger. I'd love to get that Tiger in me tank, mmm.
        Haley: Fit?
        Reba: He really is a fit [BEEP].
        Debbie: Now, how fit we talking?
        Reba: Hmm, if he was an old movie star, he'd be like Gary Cooper.
        Debbie: If he was a '70s sitcom star, would be he like Gary Coleman?
        Reba: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Debbie?
        Debbie: George Clooney?
        Haley: Rosemary Clooney?
        Reba: More like George Michael.
        Debbie: Or Michael Douglas?
        Reba: Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.
        Haley: Junior who sang, "Mama Used to Say"?
        Reba: He's kind of like all of them rolled into one.
        Debbie and Haley: Ohh.

      • Andy: Well, you said you wanted a water feature.
        Simon: I meant a proper one. One you'd buy. From a shop.
        Andy: You don't like it?
        Simon: No. Possibly because it's complete and utter sh**.
        Andy: You cheeky little bastard. I sweated minutes working over this. Geez, I can't get over you, Simon.
        Simon: Try a stepladder, love.

      • Haley: Maybe she's a lesbian.
        Debbie: Why do you say that, lover?
        Haley: Well, when I was at Greenham, we very rarely bothered with bras.
        Debbie: You very rarely bothered with personal hygeine, Hales. Or razors, let's be honest.
        Haley: Still say Dimmock's a dyke.
        Debbie: I don't think she bows at the altar of the Lesbyterian Church.

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